My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Archive for the ‘Yay!’ Category

Extraordinary vacation?

Posted by Cauri on April 3, 2007

I got a letter in the mail a couple days ago letting me know that three of my classes have been waived, and my final day of school will be May 31st.  I wish I could be happy, but I’m so overloaded with work right now that I don’t think I’ll be excited until May gets here!  Every week I just have more papers/tests/presentations that it’s hard to focus on anything past what is due tonight.  But I have started to get thoughts together, because once June gets here I am going to need a job.  Or at least a something to do.  I’ll go back to school in a year or two, but I definitely want to find a job for the summer/fall/whenever I can land something.  Ryan and I have also decided to take a vacation the first week of June.  A huge, something extraordinary vacation.  But I have no idea where to go.  We’ve tossed around Ireland, Hawaii, Prague, Caribbean cruise…I think I’m definitely going to be more in the mood to just sit on a beach with no one else around than I’ll be to go discovering cities and places I’ve never seen before.  So probably an island vacation would be nice.  I have about five years of stress that needs to melt away.

Suggestions, anyone?

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Next summer

Posted by Cauri on March 27, 2007

So Ryan and I have been talking a lot lately. The past few months have just been incredible. We’ve been the ultimate team, laughing, loving, and really living. We’ve been making time to just get out and enjoy the world…Doing random things to make each other happy. We’ve also spent a lot of time watching HGTV and planning our dream house.

On Sunday we were driving around Ryan’s work looking for houses for sale. We’ve started a plan. Well, a plan that relies mainly on me landing a decent full-time job in the fall or it will otherwise fall apart, but a plan nonetheless. And then that plan includes finding a cheap apartment in the fall (Cheap meaning under $1000, which, may be impossible unless we move to Newark) and then scrounging until next summer, when we could possibly buy a home.

When we got home, we were just holding each other, all excited about our plan, and it’s really hard to put that moment into words. It was sort of like, our identities just disappeared. Nothing mattered in that moment except for our connection. Nothing negative or even individual could be discerned. We were just one being. It was pure love. I’d never experienced anything like that before, and in the moments following, we were talking about a spontaneous wedding. A quick, book-your-flight-to-Vegas-and-Elvis-impersonator-on-Expedia wedding. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of issues related to my mother and how to avoid any familial negativity on my Special Day when people begin to realize that my mother won’t be attending. And this Elvis plan, this would’ve been an easy way out. But this time, I don’t exactly want the easy way out. I want the real deal.

So yesterday, I was googling “castles in ireland” and “weddings in ireland” and I was getting all fairytale. Except most of those castles require that you fly 200 people out there and schlep 200 people from the nearest airport to the magical castle and then you house 200 people and feed 200 people and it started to get a little complicated. I might not want the easy way out, but I do NOT want complicated. So I was fiddling with Google Earth, and I wandered to where I always wander, at least once a week, back to Acadia, on Mount Desert Island, in Maine. I googled “Acadia weddings” and was surprised at what I found. For $50, I can have my special day in the park–at whatever magical spot I happen to fall in love with–I’d have my pick of the park. Immediately, I was going back through pictures, recounting endless memories, and it just made complete sense. That is where my relationship absolutely solidified with Ryan. That is where we really knew how much we loved each other. That was when we knew we’d last forever.

It’s perfect. I immediately came up with a list of the most important people to us, and we do not need 200 people there. It’s more like 20. I do not need extended family there, just my best friends, my dad, and my brother, oh and Bruno, who would absolutely have to be there. And I’ve been looking through the vacation houses, and it will be so easy to accommodate people. We could get three huge houses for the week and have everybody split up between them (Costing each person about $200). Or individual couples can rent their own cabins for the week (Which can be done for $600, like we did last year) and we would all get a week-vacation together. It will be a blast.

So now this is practically all I can think about. About finding a photographer who really knows the mountains. About contacting the Lompoc Cafe, where every third song is another Tori song. About finding the perfect dress. About telling my friends. Sometimes I stop myself, because, oh wait, I forgot to wait until I got engaged! But that part doesn’t even matter. That’s a given. I don’t even need to go through that process, but Ryan does want to be able to call each other fiance. So we will get there. This summer, we will probably go back to Acadia to find the “perfect spot” and start getting all the little details together. And next summer, it should all come together.

Posted in Love, relationships, Yay! | 2 Comments »

We’re getting a Bruno

Posted by Cauri on December 12, 2006

Sometimes you just need a good cry, and then you can move on.  This junk in my head just escalated so much, it needed to get out.  Yesterday I cried for an hour, then slept all afternoon.  I’m feeling so much better right now.  I’m going to be fine.

I actually had a great weekend with Ryan.  My rantings on Monday never seem to show evidence of the fun & adventures I have over the weekend, but in a way I think it does.  I’m just getting tired of living these two very different lives.  I want fun and love and adventure everyday, not just on the weekends.  Mondays are always incredibly depressing when I have to drag myself out of Bayonne and back to school.  I need to live with my love.  We’ll start looking for apartments this spring. 

In other news, I’m finishing up classes left and right.  It’s been fun.  I only have one more on Thursday, and then my finals are on Monday.  Oh, and the fact that I’m getting a puppy on Saturday has sweetened the blow.  A cute, cuddly, huggly, wuggly, snuggly adorable two-month-old puppy!  He will actually be my brother’s, but I already love him so much.  He’s Bruno, our sweet adorable clumsy little Doberman Pinscher.  It’s great, because I get to cuddle and play and spoil him to death without having to be responsible for his cute chewing and pooping habits.  I didn’t think I would be this excited for my brother to get a dog, but he picked the perfect “One”.  He’d been tossing around ideas for other breeds, and I just wasn’t excited about it.  But when I saw Bruno’s picture, I just fell in love.  He’s coming home on Saturday.  I can’t wait to meet him.

And so now I’m getting extremely excited for Christmas.  Ryan’s sleeping over here, so I can’t wait to wake up on Christmas morning with all the boys in my life! 

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Just amazing!

Posted by Cauri on November 10, 2006

Yesterday I drove out to Ryan’s after class and decided to hang out for three hours in the parking lot until he got home from work (I told you, I’ve been missing him) all for the promise of sushi and love and a little extra scratching.  Now, I’ve been going through Ryan withdrawal, and when you’re experiencing Ryan withdrawal, it triggers flashbacks of all sorts– and Every place and every thing reminds you of Ryan. 

So I was sitting in my car, listening to the Radio Chick, when she announced that John O’Hurley was coming on!!  Now, first that name may mean nothing to you.  But when they mentioned that he played Peterman on Seinfeld, I was immediately reminded of the gazillions of Seinfeld DVDs I bought Ryan for xmas and his bday last year.  Then I remembered sitting in the front row of Chicago last winter, when “Peterman” danced across the stage as Billy Flynn.  He was entertaining, he was hilarious, he was talented, he was mesmerizing.  We were glued, and we laughed the entire time. 

Now, apparently, these flashbacks of mine are leading to uncontrollable actions, because before I knew it, I was explaining to some girl on the phone that Chicago was “one of the most incredible shows I’ve ever seen, and I can’t believe John O’Hurley’s on your show, and I have to talk to John O’Hurley!!”  She told me to turn off my radio, that she was putting me through.  I turned into a 13-year-old girl.  I was giddy, my voice was high-pitched, I was sweating, I was star struck.  Suddenly, Leslie’s voice comes back at me, “Hi, I’m the radio chick, and we’re on with Courtney.  Hi, Courtney!”  I breathe.  “Hi, guys!”  Leslie leads me, “Say Hi to John, Courtney.”  I squeak.  I giggle.  I blush.  “Hi, John.”  …I don’t remember what happened next, all I know is I went off in a string of sentences and threw the word “amazing” around a lot.  I remember stopping to tell myself to use a different word.  John froze me with a, “Thank you, Courtney.”  Then he rambled a lot, and then there was more silence.  I took it as my cue.  “Ohh, reeeeeally?”  I didn’t know my voice could go so high.  Then I did it again, “The show was just amazing, You were just amazing!”  Then the radio chick jumped back in, “Thank you, Courtney.”  Then the click. 

I took a deep breath, and turned my radio back on.  It was my voice!  “Oh reeeeallly?”  Fuck!  I forgot about that stupid delay.  Then the word “Amazing” comes.  Oh my god I sound like an idiot!  Then Leslie thanking me and hanging up, and then they all laugh a little.  (I think somebody started to do an impression.)  Leslie says, “She was just so giddy and giggly over you, John!  Do you get that a lot?”  He said, “Usually only from women ages 60-80.”  They laughed and moved on, and I sat there in the parking lot for two more hours until Ryan came home, dying to tell him my story.

 

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I’ve only just begun

Posted by Cauri on September 18, 2006

Last week was a little too hectic for my personal comfort.  There wasn’t a day that I didn’t have a full load of classes, followed by hours of babysitting, somedays finishing babysitting with one family only to drive to the next family’s house.  And Ryan’s been insanely busy with work, (which is something I’m completely not used to, since I’m usually able to call and ramble about the most minute of details, only to be told that I merely interrupted a nap or a marbles-rolling-across-the-desk-extravaganza).  But we’ve both been busy, which I guess is a good thing.  We are two independent people living two independent lives.  But god I miss him.

On Saturday I had to volunteer for another starbucks thing (the last “volunteer” opportunity i’m required to attend.)  I just had to play with a bunch of partners’ kids all day, while the parents painted a school in morristown, so it was somewhat fun…(Just some of the kids were weird and annoying and around 1:30 my friends from my old store found a way to sneak me out of there.)  My old boss came over to me, and we talked for a while, liked we used to, before our store was even built, and he was more of a friend than a boss.  And I told him that classes are beating me up already, and that I’m glad I’m not waking up at 4:30.  He asked what my plans are for the future, and I very matter-of-factly stated that I’ll be getting my psych degree in May, and then next fall I’ll be going for my masters in child advocacy, and from there, definitely more school, but i’m not sure if it’ll either be for law or more psychology, just as long as I’m helping kids.  He nodded enthusiastically and said that’s exactly what I should be doing, that he couldn’t think of a better place for me, that I just have such a natural instinct, such a passion for kids.  And i was really proud.  That this is the boss i sat next to in a meeting in May with my district manager, as they told me I’m such a strong asset to Starbucks, when they told me I could have my own store within a year.  And when I’d piped up in the meeting that my passion was children’s rights, it was met with a “Well, you can find ways to incorporate that into your job with Starbucks!”  I’d almost considered taking a break from school, or at least cutting back on classes, because I was pretty much guaranteed a great job with benefits, good pay, and free coffee.  But I didn’t pay for four years of school just to have free coffee.

And it surprised me a little, how my subsconscious has this whole plan for me, and it spilled out to my boss, very neatly and precisely, and there was no room for doubt.  That this is my life, and I’m writing the script.

I went out to see Ryan yesterday, and I was overjoyed to actually have more than an hour or two to spend with him.  We went to a Spanish/tapas bar in Hoboken that we’d never been to before.  The quality of food was incredible.  I don’t think I stopped smiling from the second we sat down.  When we finished our seemingly-bottomless pitcher of Sangria, we went for a walk to the nearest Starbucks, and then sat down on a bench near the water.  We admired the New York skyline, as Ryan watched the dogs playing in the nearby dog run, and I sang some song from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and we shared an iced latte.  I looked over at my love, this incredible person who’s taught me so many things, from how to use chopsticks to how to believe in myself, and I just watched him for a minute.  He looked absolutely adorable, watching the dogs, occasionally commenting about how they just chase each other’s butts around. 

And I thought, Look at this.  This is my life.  And I’m writing the script. 

And I’ve only just begun.

Posted in Daily Life, Love, relationships, Work, Yay! | 1 Comment »

Moments I will never forget

Posted by Cauri on July 18, 2006

From my vacation in Acadia National Park (on Mount Desert Island, in Maine):

-Stopping to enjoy a lunch beside a pond on top of a mountain:

-Being awoken to the sound of Ryan doing the dishes and cooking me breakfast.

-Drinking beer after beer at the Lompoc Cafe, while listening to Tori and Dar Williams.

-Forgetting my fear of heights and just climbing:

-Roaming around drunk through Bar Harbor, making Ryan laugh.

-Sneaking blueberry ice cream onto the bus.

-Laughing at myself, every time i run from a bee:

-Drinking blueberry beer and throwing caution to the wind by eating a 2 & 1/2 pound lobster.

-Viewing the island’s little secrets that can only be seen by boat.

-Taking the time to zone out and meditate:

-Sharing each and every amazing, life-altering moment with the one I’ll love forever.

Those are the moments I will never forget.

Posted in Hiking, Love, Photos, simplicity, Spirituality, travel, Yay! | 1 Comment »

Never coming home…

Posted by Cauri on July 13, 2006

Just a taste of what we’ve seen:

I’ve never experienced anything like this before.  I’m trying to find ways to make a living on this island.  I do not want to leave in two days.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cauri/

Posted in Hiking, travel, Yay! | 1 Comment »

butterflies, fireworks, and clocks in hot dog form

Posted by Cauri on July 3, 2006

This weekend was incredible, and as usual, since it’s monday, i’m missing ryan terribly and wishing the weekend never had to end.  Saturday we completed the longest hike yet–7.5 miles at Allamuchy Mountain State Park.  We were out the door by 8, on the trail by 9, and even though it was warm and the uphills were a little exhausting, over-all it was a very enjoyable, rewarding hike.  There were some moments of absolute calm.  There was one rough climb, about 1/4 of the way through, where it was rough getting to the top, but when we finally did, we were overwhelmed with the vibrant green of the ferns in the forest.  And peaking through the trees in the distance, downhill, you could see water.  We rested there for a few minutes, and we were both experiencing an overwhelming calm, to the point where, as Ryan put it, a bear could cross the path in front of us and we wouldn’t think anything of it.  

It started getting exhausting toward the end, since the hike ended at about 7 miles, and we had a 0.5 mile trek back to the car.  Our legs were getting tired at that point since, we knew we were done…we just weren’t yet.  We stopped by some flowers where Ryan noticed a few butterflies–which turned into noticing many, many more butterflies of all sorts of varieties.  I’d never seen so many butterflies, and they fluttered around us, checking us out, and some landed on us.  It was all sort of magical, and neither of us had experienced anything like that before.  A few followed us for a while, but eventually they dwindled off, and we still had a long walk back to the car.  That became somewhat grueling, but when we finally made it back to the car, we decided to reward ourselves with diner food and Starbucks.  Then we headed back to ryan’s comfy bed and took a snuggley nap =)  We woke up and headed out to watch the bayonne fireworks, and it was so beautiful.  We had a perfect spot.  We held each other, and everybody else sort of melted away.  The finale was really spectacular, and it was the perfect end to a perfect day. 

Sunday was a little bit lazier…It began with ryan’s mom making my favorite coffee and bringing me breakfast in bed =)  We did a little shopping, ate a nice barbecue dinner with ryan’s parents, and then headed out to the bar with Wuss (ryan’s best friend).  Wuss just got his own apartment and decided to devote one room to displaying an assortment of clocks and mirrors.  I thought that sounded nifty, so on sunday, i gave Wuss his very first clock—A hot dog clock =)  I hope, many years from now, when he has hundreds of clocks, his hot dog clock is still displayed proudly. 

And now i’m back home, adjusting again to the week ahead of me.  It’s definitely a busy one, between work, and packing and preparing for Maine, for which we are leaving at 4am Saturday morning!!!  =)

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passion for the planet

Posted by Cauri on May 29, 2006

My relationship with ryan has been so incredible lately.  We went hiking out by the delaware water gap today…and our hike got off to a really rocky start (really strenuous, incredibly hot, incredibly cranky), so we ended up getting back in the car and taking a break with some food and air conditioning.  We drove around for a little while and found another area to park in.  From there we wandered alongside a stream and we found a couple waterfalls.  We walked for a while and just kept finding more gorgeous landscapes.  It was exactly what we needed–to be able to relax and wander and take it all in.  And all i keep thinking about is how a year ago, i never thought i could have this with him.  I never realized how much he really cares about the environment, and how important it is for him to connect with nature.  I've noticed how much more conscientious he's been lately with saving energy, and even if he's out at a bar, he gets annoyed if the sink is dripping or something like that, that other people just let slide.  He's also becoming more aware of buying organic products, biodegradable products, and things that aren't tested on animals.  And i absolutely love this about him–how passionate he is, and how enthusiastic he is about making a difference–about really doing something with his life, and really aiming to try to change the way people treat this planet. 

His passion and enthusiasm has only made me more attached to him.  I dread being apart from him…I'm living for these experiences…of being showered in his optimism and excitement for life.  And lately I've been having all kinds of fantasies about what our future house will be like…the kinds of gadgets we'll have and the environment we'll create that'll treat our planet with love and respect.  This is bringing us so close together…as we're learning together how to make a positive impact everywhere we go.

Posted in Daily Life, Hiking, Love, Yay! | Leave a Comment »

moving on up in the coffee world

Posted by Cauri on May 27, 2006

Today was my first day running the shift at work, and I had a GREAT day.  Not only was everyone getting along, but they were constantly joking around, and so many customers said they wished they worked with us.  It was an awesome day, and my boss kept complimenting me on how much fun he was having and how much different today was than most other saturdays when tensions are running high.  I was there for nine hours and they literally flew by.  I kept making a list of things that needed to be done and posted it up, and updated it about every other hour or so…That way, everything was getting done, but i wasn't constantly giving people orders…I gave them breathing time…I let them joke around and have fun during the down-time between customers, and when we needed something made, they all hurried to get it done.  I didn't have any issues with respect (which i was anticipating from other baristas).  Everyone seems genuinely happy for me, and I gave that back to them with all sorts of smiley-face love all over the store.  The whole day was awesome, the environment was just perfect, and now i look forward to working on saturdays.  Of course my boyfriend doesn't want me working saturdays, but i just love it so much more than working during the week.  The whole attitude in the store is so different, and saturdays just make me happy =)

Posted in Work, Yay! | 1 Comment »