My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Archive for the ‘School’ Category

what would be nice

Posted by Cauri on May 16, 2007

oh, what a month.  While I was constantly writing papers and/or studying for exams and/or trying to remember which class was at which time on which day, Bruno was crying/screaming/irritable and generally unable to move.  My baby had lyme disease.  Which meant he cried and screamed when he had to lay down, he cried and screamed when he had to get up, he cried and screamed when he had to pee, he cried and screamed when he had to eat, he cried all night, he cried all day.  It took a whopping FOUR trips to my genius vet…(That’s four trips of me carrying a 70-pound dog to and from my car and to and from the office) before he diagnosed lyme disease.  He’s on antibiotics now, so he’s been a dream, but man, that was a rough month.

Now that he’s feeling better though, his personality has just come bursting through, and we all love him to death.  He’s such a lover.  He’s still very much a puppy, but he is such a snuggly cuddle monster.  And, once he hit seven months, he got his ears! 

So I’ve just spent my time spoiling him to death, and now it will be impossible for me to ever leave home. 

But in other news, my six finals are OVER, and I’m almost through my first week of my summer class.  So now I’ve started the job search.  I have an interview lined up next week for an adolescent youth shelter, which would be perfect!  I’m hoping I just land the job so that I can take a break from stress.  With everything I’m coming out of, I would love it if my life could just consist of going to work and coming home. 

Yeah, that would be nice.

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Worried

Posted by Cauri on April 17, 2007

The VA tech incident has really shaken me up.  I don’t usually let stuff like this get to me.  I live in NJ.  We’re trained not to respond to these sorts of things.  Stuff happens.  You suck it up and move on.  It’s just so devastating.  I’ve come close to puking a number of times.

I was driving out to school last night, worried about assignments and upcoming class discussions, as I listened to the whole VA story on the radio.  It just ripped me apart.   I guess it really hit home.  These good, innocent, young people, just had everything taken from them.  Most of them probably battled with the idea of even getting out of bed and heading to class early yesterday morning.  Those who did were probably nervous about a presentation or were worried about a fight they just had with their boyfriend.  Others probably wandered to class elated and eager to graduate in less than a month.  God, I can’t even imagine the turn of events.  Going from focusing on what your teacher’s saying, to suddenly fighting for your life.

I heard somebody on the radio speaking about how they had to call the family members of the victims, and I was just bawling.  I just kept thinking, what the hell would my father do if he got that call?  What about Ryan?  If they had to look at my body… Lifeless me in Ryan’s sweatshirt and the sneakers my dad just bought me last week, my valentine’s heart necklace dangling around my neck.  I almost couldn’t bring myself to go to school.

I just can’t get over it.  These young, cheerful people, full of dreams, focused on getting out of school and getting their lives started.  How dare one insensitive prick take that away from them.  Why does this happen?  Why does one miserable person seek to destroy so many others?  I guess as a future psychologist, I should look into these sorts of things.

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Lazy Friday

Posted by Cauri on January 19, 2007

I’ve been so overwhelmed lately, I’m not even sure what to write about.  All week it’s been one thing after another after another.  But I guess that’s just how my life is at this point.  I’ve realized I’m not very good with change.  It’s weird, because I always thought I loved change, I sought change.  But not right now.  There’s too much going on.  I’d like to settle down more into a stable routine.  I guess the new semester’s just thrown me off this week.  I could’ve used an extra week of break.  I’ve been to four of the six classes so far, and I think I’ll get a good handle on them.  I’m not as intimidated as I was the other day.  All of my professors so far have been women, so that’s sort of unusual.  They all seem very easy to relate to though.  They actually all seem like great teachers.

I have classes Mon, Tues, and Thurs nights now, and I’m claiming Wednesdays as a homework day and Fridays as a lazy day.  Today’s my first lazy Friday, and it’s 2:30 and i’m still in my jammies, so I think I’m doing well.  I watched some of The Office DVDs with my brother today (Ryan and I are trying to catch up to season 3) and I played a lot of Sims and cuddled a lot with Bruno.  That’s about it.  Compared to every other day this week, it’s so wonderful to relax around the house with my family.  I’m so tired of constantly running from one thing to the next.  I have cut waaay back on babysitting.  I’m not sure how exactly to tell people that I don’t really want to babysit anymore, but I’m just using my classes as an excuse for the moment.  I just realized that the final class I have to take this summer can actually be wrapped up in a very brief Mon-Thurs morning course from May 14-31, and then I will be done.  After 5 years and 4 schools, I will actually have achieved something.  And that’s about all that is on my mind.

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back to school

Posted by Cauri on January 16, 2007

Ugh, I have to leave for school in an hour, and I’m freaking out!  Where did my break go?  Ohh, I hate the first day going back to school.  I think I’m so nervous because I have to face the classes that will make or break my career.  Luckily, I just have forensic psych tonight, and then I’m going to the devils/rangers game with Ry, my dad, and Wuss.  That’ll be a fun little reward for surviving my first day back at school.  I don’t know why I’m so nervous.  My stomach is in knots.  I feel like I’m 18 again, and this is all new to me.

At this point, I couldn’t possibly be more focused on graduating.  It’s consuming me.  So I guess I’m just starting to feel the weight of all the pressure.  The months are speeding by, and it really comes down to this semester.  I also need to become involved with some sort of a career process in the fall…or at least some type of job that doesn’t involve changing diapers.  I am seriously considering focusing on writing (of some form or another, children’s books, perhaps?), at least for the time-being to see if that leads me anywhere.  I need to bring my creativity back into play.  I need to tap back into that free spirit of who I used to be.  Somebody who wasn’t so anxious all the time, somebody who didn’t have a zillion goals and deadlines and obligations on her mind every second of the day.  I need to let go, I need to relax, I need to slow down and breathe every once in a while.

But I also need to do extremely well in my six classes this semester, or else my life will be forever ruined.

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Oh shut up already

Posted by Cauri on December 8, 2006

I’m sitting at home postponing this stupid experiment I have to do for my psych class.  It was thrown together so quickly and my teacher totally changed everything I’d aimed to do…I’m half tempted to wander around campus and just collect signatures & create data myself.  Or hang out at starbucks and get them all to do it.  I just feel like an idiot because it’s not even what I wanted to do anyway (it’s half on meditation, half on anagram solutions).  My teacher had us all throw this together in two weeks, and he wants me to spend 20-30 mins with each participant, which just isn’t going to happen.  I think I’ll give myself three hours at school this afternoon and see how it pans out.  We aren’t even being graded on the experiment, just on our papers, so I guess I’m just sort of rebelling.  I just hate when people take my ideas & mess around with them and then create a new set of rules for me to follow.  I think this is the 13-year-old in me coming out.

I can’t stop worrying about things either.  I might be about to explode.  There is always something to stress over.  Every time I get over one hurdle, something else comes to the surface.  Once I get past this experiment mumbo jumbo, I need to prepare myself for Ryan’s bday.  It’s not like I can talk about what I’m planning here, but I basically planned a whole day for him in the city (which he knows), but now I’m freaking out about timing, and will we have enough time to get from A to B and will I have enough money for C and then should i just throw D out the window because we’re already doing a lot and on and on and on My mind will not shut up.  And the day after Ryan’s bday,  I get to freak out about my last week of school and my finals papers, oh and then my exams next monday.  And then the monday after that?  Christmas.  The monday after that?  New Year’s.  The monday after that?  Oh, nannying 65 hours that week.  And after that?  Oh, time to start my new classes.  It’s freakin December 8th and I’m already freaking out about my class load next semester!!

I think I need a little yoga, a little meditation, and then I’ll worry about hunting down people for my experiment in the 17-degree weather.

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kicking the semester

Posted by Cauri on November 14, 2006

I’ve sort of been through it all this semester…from one extreme to another, and I’ve completely isolated myself in the meantime…People from starbucks have been leaving messages, and i haven’t called back…i haven’t seen my friends…I haven’t been “working”, just the occasional babysitting…For the first time in my life I have actually been focusing on school though, and this battle has just been going back & forth in my head…I can’t do well in school if I’m working, I’m not working so I don’t have any money, I don’t have money so I can’t see my friends, blahblahblah…

Last week I hit my first major milestone, an A on my oceanography midterm…and yesterday I got the last of my midterm grades back, an 104.5 in my other science (lab) class.  It literally shook me…I just do not do well in science & math (hence why I saved them all for my last year.)  But it made me realize, that I really can do this, and I really am almost done.  There’s only a month left in the semester, and I’m not even stressing.  I have no reason to!  Today I’m taking my final in math, and I’m feeling incredibly confident.  I’m kicking the semester of science & maths in the ass.

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just feeling defeated

Posted by Cauri on November 3, 2006

Oh this week has just been madness.  After I hit the deer I went through a period of craziness.  I’ve had so much work to do for school (2 tests last week, 4 this week), and I was PMSing, and I was incredibly jumpy, and I was terrified of driving after dark, and I didn’t see Ryan all week, and every time I closed my eyes to try and fall asleep, I was re-living the horror of seeing a deer on the hood of my car.   I wasn’t sleeping, I was stressed out beyond belief, and I felt very alone.  When I’d jump up in the middle of the night, I’d immediately turn to my left to snuggle into Ryan, and countless times I was saddened and angered when I announced to myself, “He’s not here.  You’re in your own room.”  Every time I got behind the wheel, I’d scan and re-scan the woods along the roads, and I’d jump at the slightest movement.  I’m finally better at driving my car…But night driving still makes me very nervous.  I crawl along the road.

So this week I’ve been sick and exhausted…I’m just feeling defeated.  I had two huge tests on Thursday, so Wednesday night, around 8:00 i took Tylenol PM to knock myself out.  I set my alarm for six, and I woke up around 8, and just like last week, I raced around, walked into class 20 minutes late, only to learn that the test had been postponed until next week.  Teachers really should decide things like that a little sooner.

Last night I went out to Ryan’s after a long stressful day at school (and another babysitting interview…but that actually went very well..The first normal family to come out of the new families acquired this fall =)  so, i drove out to Ryan’s, bought him some Congratulations You’re A Virgin!  wine  (for his new job that starts on Monday =)  and was finally able to just relax with my love.  I was falling asleep by ten, and I loved waking up a few times and just being able to snuggle into him for real.  I’m finally feeling better, just a little groggy…so i will be crawling back into bed now.

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I want a real life

Posted by Cauri on October 3, 2006

It is always so difficult to get the week started up again, after a weekend glued to Ryan’s side.  My weeks have just been so jam-packed.  I’ll do anything to just get good grades, to pay my bills, to graduate.  By the time I get to Ryan’s on Friday, I’m totally burnt out.  By Sunday, I’m caught up again, I’m myself again, and then on Monday I have to start the vicious cycle over again.  I am, however, glad that time is flying by.  September is already over.  I’m doing great in all of my classes, I’m enjoying the kids I’m working with, and my relationship with my boyfriend is spectacular.  So what am I really complaining about anyway?

Just minor frustrations I guess.  I just want to graduate already.  I’m getting really annoyed at how vague graduation requirements have been throughout this whole process, how I feel like every semester it suddenly changes, how in May they absolutely won’t accept a certain class, and then by September it’s accepted, with little or no effort on my part.  On the other hand, I’ve already taken two religion classes and now I’m suddenly required to take a third, to complete some imaginary category.  It’s just been a big mess.  I’m told I need 24 more credits.  I’m fighting to get that number down to 18, because I don’t really see the point in studying Jesus for a third time (Unless this is somebody’s idea of a joke), and there’s also a psych personality class that isn’t being accepted, for whatever random reason.  So now I’m looking at graduating by August (I wanted to punch my advisor in the nose), but I should only have 4 more psychs (just the topic psyhs, my major coursework is complete) and 2 other random bullshit Jesus classes, which I will try to squeeze into the spring, but just in case my Jesus requirement remains unfilled, I will apply for graduation in August.

And there is my plan.  I realize it’s my own fault, for never having a plan, for spending half of my college career trying to find an easy way out.  I’ve always hated school.  Hated the routine of spending hundreds of dollars on books every couple months.  Hated dragging myself out of my soft comfy princess bed and into my car, to pay daily for parking, to wander around a freezing campus, to be annoyed by how many people were around, to be pissed off at professors, to feel like I wasn’t making any progress.

It’s been hard for me since I came back home, to be surrounded by friends who were done with school, who already had jobs and lives and happiness of their own.  I was always so envious of that.  Now I’m seeing the bigger picture.  If I take it in chunks, if I take it a few months at a time, I can already see how I’m making progress.  And a year from now, I can have a real job and a real life too.

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the humdrum of daily life

Posted by Cauri on September 12, 2006

As excited as I am that it’s starting to smell like Halloween, that I can look forward to pumpkin bread and fuzzy hoodies and lots of hot chocolate, I’m also sort of depressed that summer’s over.  I’m grumpy that it’s already so cold out, and my head is heavy, my mind is loopy, and I can’t stop sneezing.  It’s the second week of school, and I’m beat.  I’m babysitting in a half hour, but I really just want to stay in my ducky pants and fuzzy socks and drink some tea.

Over-all I am really enjoying my classes this semester.  Yes, it sucks that I’ve finally reached my senior year, and I’m now taking my sciences & maths, but I’ve gotta graduate someday.  My professors are all really nice and actually know what they’re talking about, and I’ve made friends in most of my classes.  I actually enjoy going to school and have actually been motivated to do my work!  The only major headache is parking.  I’ve been paying $7 a day to circle the parking lot, praying that somebody, anybody, anywhere, leaves.  On Thursday I actually had to park on the roof of the parking deck!  I didn’t even know it was possible to park on the roof.  I found myself wishing I lived in a dorm.  At least I’d only have to search for my shoes in the morning, instead of a parking spot.

So I’ve been waking up earlier, drinking lots of coffee, and heading out the door to get to school a little earlier.  At least, this is what I do in my head.  It kinda worked yesterday (I got to class right on time yesterday).  But today, I was a half hour late for my first class (I stopped in at my old Starbucks this morning, to hand in keys, to drink free coffee, to chat with the regulars & my old partners).  I’ll blame parking at school for as long as I can get away with it though.  But it looks like I will do pretty well in my classes this semester, and it also looks like I may actually get a degree at the end of the year =)

The main thing that’s keeping me going today though, is my wonderful boyfriend and the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs cd he burned me…  Even though I only like three songs on it and have been playing them over and over and over for the past 3 days, every time I get in the car to drive to school and circle for a parking space. 

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I’m changing the focus

Posted by Cauri on August 10, 2006

I’ve decided to focus on school this semester, so that maybe one day i can actually graduate.  I’ve always taken the approach of scheduling classes around my work schedule, and if a class doesn’t fit, oh well, i’ll take it next time…  Well, this time, instead of scheduling around things like, storytime, or certain times i’m locked into for babysitting, I actually just went ahead and scheduled my classes like any normal college student does, who’s looking to take the classes they need to take, instead of what’s convenient for other people. 

I really hesitated about scheduling a class for 10:00 on Thursdays.  Storytime.  I sucked it up and signed myself up.  I actually enjoyed the freedom so much, that I decided to keep signing up, and keep signing up, and here I am, enrolled in eighteen credits…

Tomorrow I’ll be giving my two weeks notice at Starbucks.

It was a difficult decision.  This morning at storytime, the store was flooded with some of my favorite children….even kids I hadn’t seen in months.  It was a lot of fun…They all “get it” now…They all run over to the blanket, eager to help me set up.  They all sit there anxiously, glued to every word of every story, waiting to hear what happens next, laughing at all of my corny jokes…  It’s so good for them, I’ve realized.  To have this interraction, with me, as an adult separate from their parents, reading to them…With each other, with kids they wouldn’t have met any other way, coming together every week to laugh and plot in their heads and discuss what might happen next.  To discover that there are stories that can really make them question and can really make them laugh.  And it’s exactly what I’ve needed most—to take a break from the reality of the workweek and spend some carefree time surrounded by preschoolers.

When storytime was over, and the store emptied out, I was sweeping up the remains of little chocolate cookies and tiny frappuccinos, and the other partner on the floor came over to me and said, “You’re gonna be missed.”  I just nodded.

I’ve decided I need to really focus on graduating so I can figure out exactly how I will be spending my life.  I need to make sure it’s going to be everything I need.

And if it doesn’t work out, maybe starbucks can hire me as a storytime contractor…and i’ll spend my days going from store to store…That crazy woman with her blanket and stuffed animals and so many crazy stories =)

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