My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

23 =)

Posted by Cauri on April 23, 2007

I could not ask for a better weekend for a birthday. It was gorgeous! Friday night we played around with Bruno and tried to eat somewhere new and exciting for dinner. Ryan ended up spending $50 on a typical chinese dinner. We could’ve spent about $12 for the same food in bayonne (but better quality) and it would’ve been delivered in 15 mins. We headed back to Ryan’s Friday night, and his mom gave me an adorable card and money for St. Thomas =)

Saturday we wandered over to Liberty State Park. It was so beautiful out, and there was a big Earth Day festival. So we walked down to see the Lady, and then we wandered back to the festival. I got a free cupcake and some green cotton candy from my best friend. Couldn’t ask for a better way to spend a bday =) When we came home, Ryan cooked me an AMAZING meal. He totally just played around with it too. We started with a spinach salad. He also made garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and grilled salmon in white wine. It was the best meal I’ve ever eaten. I couldn’t believe he just “created” it, without glancing at a recipe or anything. I can’t wait to get a place with him and invite people over for dinner and games. Everyone will be amazed by his cooking.

Then we watched the Departed and cuddled and scratched till we went to sleep. On Sunday we went out to dinner with my dad and brother, and then we all got ice cream. Ryan, Brett, and Bruno all watched baseball, while I tried to get them to play games and stuff. Finally I got to end the night cuddling the love of my life and watching some HGTV =)

Ryan left for work this morning, and Bruno soon snuck in to take his place in my bed. Except Bruno hurt his leg/shoulder (once again…It’s an ongoing thing with this puppy) so he cried until I woke up and just held him. It’s another beautiful day, and I had all sorts of plans for where we could go for a walk, but Bruno hasn’t gotten off the couch, so I figure I should just let him rest. I have class soon, and next week starts my finals, sooo…maybe I should just rest too =)

Posted in Daily Life, Love, relationships | 1 Comment »

Worried

Posted by Cauri on April 17, 2007

The VA tech incident has really shaken me up.  I don’t usually let stuff like this get to me.  I live in NJ.  We’re trained not to respond to these sorts of things.  Stuff happens.  You suck it up and move on.  It’s just so devastating.  I’ve come close to puking a number of times.

I was driving out to school last night, worried about assignments and upcoming class discussions, as I listened to the whole VA story on the radio.  It just ripped me apart.   I guess it really hit home.  These good, innocent, young people, just had everything taken from them.  Most of them probably battled with the idea of even getting out of bed and heading to class early yesterday morning.  Those who did were probably nervous about a presentation or were worried about a fight they just had with their boyfriend.  Others probably wandered to class elated and eager to graduate in less than a month.  God, I can’t even imagine the turn of events.  Going from focusing on what your teacher’s saying, to suddenly fighting for your life.

I heard somebody on the radio speaking about how they had to call the family members of the victims, and I was just bawling.  I just kept thinking, what the hell would my father do if he got that call?  What about Ryan?  If they had to look at my body… Lifeless me in Ryan’s sweatshirt and the sneakers my dad just bought me last week, my valentine’s heart necklace dangling around my neck.  I almost couldn’t bring myself to go to school.

I just can’t get over it.  These young, cheerful people, full of dreams, focused on getting out of school and getting their lives started.  How dare one insensitive prick take that away from them.  Why does this happen?  Why does one miserable person seek to destroy so many others?  I guess as a future psychologist, I should look into these sorts of things.

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Next summer

Posted by Cauri on March 27, 2007

So Ryan and I have been talking a lot lately. The past few months have just been incredible. We’ve been the ultimate team, laughing, loving, and really living. We’ve been making time to just get out and enjoy the world…Doing random things to make each other happy. We’ve also spent a lot of time watching HGTV and planning our dream house.

On Sunday we were driving around Ryan’s work looking for houses for sale. We’ve started a plan. Well, a plan that relies mainly on me landing a decent full-time job in the fall or it will otherwise fall apart, but a plan nonetheless. And then that plan includes finding a cheap apartment in the fall (Cheap meaning under $1000, which, may be impossible unless we move to Newark) and then scrounging until next summer, when we could possibly buy a home.

When we got home, we were just holding each other, all excited about our plan, and it’s really hard to put that moment into words. It was sort of like, our identities just disappeared. Nothing mattered in that moment except for our connection. Nothing negative or even individual could be discerned. We were just one being. It was pure love. I’d never experienced anything like that before, and in the moments following, we were talking about a spontaneous wedding. A quick, book-your-flight-to-Vegas-and-Elvis-impersonator-on-Expedia wedding. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of issues related to my mother and how to avoid any familial negativity on my Special Day when people begin to realize that my mother won’t be attending. And this Elvis plan, this would’ve been an easy way out. But this time, I don’t exactly want the easy way out. I want the real deal.

So yesterday, I was googling “castles in ireland” and “weddings in ireland” and I was getting all fairytale. Except most of those castles require that you fly 200 people out there and schlep 200 people from the nearest airport to the magical castle and then you house 200 people and feed 200 people and it started to get a little complicated. I might not want the easy way out, but I do NOT want complicated. So I was fiddling with Google Earth, and I wandered to where I always wander, at least once a week, back to Acadia, on Mount Desert Island, in Maine. I googled “Acadia weddings” and was surprised at what I found. For $50, I can have my special day in the park–at whatever magical spot I happen to fall in love with–I’d have my pick of the park. Immediately, I was going back through pictures, recounting endless memories, and it just made complete sense. That is where my relationship absolutely solidified with Ryan. That is where we really knew how much we loved each other. That was when we knew we’d last forever.

It’s perfect. I immediately came up with a list of the most important people to us, and we do not need 200 people there. It’s more like 20. I do not need extended family there, just my best friends, my dad, and my brother, oh and Bruno, who would absolutely have to be there. And I’ve been looking through the vacation houses, and it will be so easy to accommodate people. We could get three huge houses for the week and have everybody split up between them (Costing each person about $200). Or individual couples can rent their own cabins for the week (Which can be done for $600, like we did last year) and we would all get a week-vacation together. It will be a blast.

So now this is practically all I can think about. About finding a photographer who really knows the mountains. About contacting the Lompoc Cafe, where every third song is another Tori song. About finding the perfect dress. About telling my friends. Sometimes I stop myself, because, oh wait, I forgot to wait until I got engaged! But that part doesn’t even matter. That’s a given. I don’t even need to go through that process, but Ryan does want to be able to call each other fiance. So we will get there. This summer, we will probably go back to Acadia to find the “perfect spot” and start getting all the little details together. And next summer, it should all come together.

Posted in Love, relationships, Yay! | 2 Comments »

Life in general

Posted by Cauri on March 13, 2007

Life has just been going too fast lately. And it’s weird, because in a way, I’m actually loving it. It’s full speed ahead to the end of my college career, to the end of my babysitting career, to a real life in the real world.

Last week I had a great night out with Lauren for her birthday. It was some very much-needed girl time, where we could just talk about the things that really matter in our lives. It was a lot of fun to hang out with her, and it brought back all sorts of memories. We had dinner together and then just drove around (since she locked herself out of her apartment) and then we ate sundaes at Friendly’s. It’s so weird that she’s a girl that quickly became my best friend when we met when we were 11 years old. She turned 23 two weeks ago.

The following week, my dad and brother took off to Tennessee for my dad’s work, leaving me and Ryan home with the Brunster for four days. It was a great weekend for the three of us, bonding in ways we hadn’t experienced before, Ryan and I acting as the parents, and Bruno, our little pride and joy. We loved taking him out everywhere and showing him off, to people in the park and to admirers at Petsmart. The three of us cuddled in bed at night, Bruno pushing his little nose to our lips when he had to go out, and then dashing straight back to bed to snuggle back to sleep. When my family came home Sunday night, it was sad. Watching Bruno race around the house, completely ignoring the family we’d created that weekend. It was great practice for me and Ryan. Cooking our meals together at home, sneaking out for an hour to have time alone, only to race back because we missed Bruno. We’re so ready to have a life and a family together.

Bruno’s been mostly my responsibility lately anyway, since my brother decided to take on a part-time job (in addition to his business) and then stay out late every night. But yesterday, Bruno hurt his little leg jumping out of bed with my brother in the morning. Brett put him in my bed and then headed off to work, and for four hours the puppy just cried and cried and cried. I thought he just missed Brett, maybe he was just tired and needed cuddling. Until I realized he had hurt his leg. The rest of the day was spent carrying the 60-pound baby to and from the car, to and from the vet’s, to and from the couch. X-rays showed nothing was wrong, so he was drugged and returned to us. He cried for three more hours until he finally passed out. When he woke up around 9:00 last night, he was suddenly cured. He was racing madly around the house, tossing around every toy he could find, eager to make up for the day he lost. He’s in the same mood today. He’s fine. I wish I could say the same about my back.

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There was no way out, the only way out was to give in.

Posted by Cauri on February 20, 2007

Friday was a weird day for me. Friday night I had a meltdown. I was babysitting S&G. I put them to bed and came downstairs. I poured myself a cup of coffee and paced back and forth. I just started crying. About everything. I was really sad about N moving, and I think I bottled it up for too long. I cried about graduating and not babysitting S&G anymore. I was pacing in the kitchen. The same kitchen I was pacing in two years ago when I was trying to decide if it was a good idea to date Ryan. I guess it just struck me–How many of my memories exist in other people’s houses. How many lives I’ll be walking out of, how many people I won’t be seeing on a weekly basis anymore.

I drove out to Ryan’s late Friday night and cried the whole way. When I got there, we talked until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I was ok. Saturday we woke up and played scrabble and got sushi delivered and headed into the city. We were supposed to see Alex Borstein (Lois on Family Guy) but for whatever reason she cancelled, and we ended up seeing a mixture of comedians, but everyone was really funny. Ryan and I laughed the whole way as we walked the thirty blocks down to the show and about 10 blocks back (before Ryan surprised me with a cab). I can’t explain the comfort I felt to have him there, to share these experiences with him. To know that everything is ok, that I do have some stability in my life.

I started reading Running with Scissors on the bus. It was a super repulsive, disturbing story about the hell that was this child’s life from the ages of 10-15. I could completely relate to it.  (Just because our moms are similar, not because I’m gay or anything.)  Except I couldn’t understand how the author remained so positive, since when I was 13, all I ever thought about was killing myself, and this kid had absolutely no one, nothing in his life that he could count on, and that thought never seemed to enter his mind. I woke up early on Sunday to finish it.

I’m very lucky, and I realize that. This amazing guy that I’m in love with is also an incredible best friend. I can’t imagine what I’d be going through right now if I didn’t have Ryan to count on, if he didn’t listen to me ramble on & on about my nightmare babysitting experiences, or the professor who wouldn’t stop picking on me. But I’ve been pushing and pushing him away lately, feeling like I should be able to pick myself up on my own, I should be able to deal with things on my own. A huge part of growing up for me, lately, has been not only accepting that I have found somebody I can depend on, but to actually let him take care of me sometimes. My hugest battle has been to release, to embrace, and to give in.

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My home

Posted by Cauri on December 13, 2006

Yesterday I was putting my shoes on to go babysit, and I started crying again about how much I missed Ryan.  I’m having such a difficult time constantly traveling between my two “homes”, neither of which is concrete.  I pulled myself together, told myself that a week from now I will be fine, and I headed out.  When I got to their door, I burst out crying again.  The mom told me she didn’t need me to babysit anyway, but why don’t I just come in, we could get Chinese food, we could bake cookies, we could drink wine, hell I could just take a nap if I needed to.  I cried for a little while, just venting about this insane amount of stress I’ve been under, and how it’s been so hard to have Ryan so far away.  I’ve been freaking out about christmas because, again with the money that I don’t have, and everything I want to get my family.  (I’ve wanted to get my dad a coffee table so badly, but every decent one is hundreds of dollars.) 

I went out back and played with their dogs for a while.  Then I came back in and played with their 18-month-old son.  We did order Chinese food.  We did drink wine.  Then the dad went up to the attic and pulled out a beautiful antique coffeetable that had just been sitting in their attic for years.  He polished it, and it looked gorgeous.  They told me to just take it.  I’m going to pick it up later today.

I realize how stupid it is to complain about such trivial things.  I know that I’m lucky to have these types of people in my life.  I realize that I’m not stressing about anything all that huge.  But I headed out to Ryan’s last night just because I’ve been having such a rough time away from him.  We snuggled and held each other and just talked for a couple hours.  I love that feeling.  I’m so lost without that, that feeling of home.  Nothing compares to being with him…that sense of family, that sense of security, that sense of completeness.  I am so ready to make him my family.  I am so ready to commit myself to him.  We could be living in a cardboard box, and I would feel safe, secure, and loved.  He is my home.

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We’re getting a Bruno

Posted by Cauri on December 12, 2006

Sometimes you just need a good cry, and then you can move on.  This junk in my head just escalated so much, it needed to get out.  Yesterday I cried for an hour, then slept all afternoon.  I’m feeling so much better right now.  I’m going to be fine.

I actually had a great weekend with Ryan.  My rantings on Monday never seem to show evidence of the fun & adventures I have over the weekend, but in a way I think it does.  I’m just getting tired of living these two very different lives.  I want fun and love and adventure everyday, not just on the weekends.  Mondays are always incredibly depressing when I have to drag myself out of Bayonne and back to school.  I need to live with my love.  We’ll start looking for apartments this spring. 

In other news, I’m finishing up classes left and right.  It’s been fun.  I only have one more on Thursday, and then my finals are on Monday.  Oh, and the fact that I’m getting a puppy on Saturday has sweetened the blow.  A cute, cuddly, huggly, wuggly, snuggly adorable two-month-old puppy!  He will actually be my brother’s, but I already love him so much.  He’s Bruno, our sweet adorable clumsy little Doberman Pinscher.  It’s great, because I get to cuddle and play and spoil him to death without having to be responsible for his cute chewing and pooping habits.  I didn’t think I would be this excited for my brother to get a dog, but he picked the perfect “One”.  He’d been tossing around ideas for other breeds, and I just wasn’t excited about it.  But when I saw Bruno’s picture, I just fell in love.  He’s coming home on Saturday.  I can’t wait to meet him.

And so now I’m getting extremely excited for Christmas.  Ryan’s sleeping over here, so I can’t wait to wake up on Christmas morning with all the boys in my life! 

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cannot keep doing this

Posted by Cauri on December 11, 2006

I have just not been myself lately. I’m obsessive, I’m insecure, I’m stressed, I’m weak. I’m freaking out. All I keep thinking is that I used to be such a strong person. What the hell happened to me? It’s like I’ve become scared. I’m so fragile and afraid to live. I freak out about everything. I just cannot stop worrying. Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror, and I look so sad and hopeless. I want to scream at myself to snap out of it. I want to shake myself and wake up. I want to become someone else.

I used to be so confident and happy. I used to live the kind of thrilling life that other people envied. I used to love who I was. So what am I supposed to do? What should I change? I think my number one priority has to be to graduate. I’m not living right now. I’m just going through the motions. Driving to school, sitting through class, handing in papers, taking exams. I’m numb to the world, but I am doing well in school. I can’t lose sight of that.

Sometimes I blame Ryan. I blame Ryan for my unhappiness.  How fair is that?  He has a girlfriend who’s losing her mind, whose Monday-Friday life revolves around writing papers and taking exams, and whose weekend-life revolves around crying and yelling and falling apart.  And not only does he have to deal with her outbreaks, He holds her through all of them.

He hugs me so tightly, he kisses my head, he swears to me that I’m the reason he’s living, that this will all pass, that we’ll always be strong.  He picks me up every single weekend, and everything seems to make sense.  And then I crumble again on Monday.  I’m so depressed, and I feel even worse for putting Ryan through this garbage.  I feel like he deserves so much better.   I cannot keep doing this.

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Oh shut up already

Posted by Cauri on December 8, 2006

I’m sitting at home postponing this stupid experiment I have to do for my psych class.  It was thrown together so quickly and my teacher totally changed everything I’d aimed to do…I’m half tempted to wander around campus and just collect signatures & create data myself.  Or hang out at starbucks and get them all to do it.  I just feel like an idiot because it’s not even what I wanted to do anyway (it’s half on meditation, half on anagram solutions).  My teacher had us all throw this together in two weeks, and he wants me to spend 20-30 mins with each participant, which just isn’t going to happen.  I think I’ll give myself three hours at school this afternoon and see how it pans out.  We aren’t even being graded on the experiment, just on our papers, so I guess I’m just sort of rebelling.  I just hate when people take my ideas & mess around with them and then create a new set of rules for me to follow.  I think this is the 13-year-old in me coming out.

I can’t stop worrying about things either.  I might be about to explode.  There is always something to stress over.  Every time I get over one hurdle, something else comes to the surface.  Once I get past this experiment mumbo jumbo, I need to prepare myself for Ryan’s bday.  It’s not like I can talk about what I’m planning here, but I basically planned a whole day for him in the city (which he knows), but now I’m freaking out about timing, and will we have enough time to get from A to B and will I have enough money for C and then should i just throw D out the window because we’re already doing a lot and on and on and on My mind will not shut up.  And the day after Ryan’s bday,  I get to freak out about my last week of school and my finals papers, oh and then my exams next monday.  And then the monday after that?  Christmas.  The monday after that?  New Year’s.  The monday after that?  Oh, nannying 65 hours that week.  And after that?  Oh, time to start my new classes.  It’s freakin December 8th and I’m already freaking out about my class load next semester!!

I think I need a little yoga, a little meditation, and then I’ll worry about hunting down people for my experiment in the 17-degree weather.

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solid, steady & loving

Posted by Cauri on December 5, 2006

I’ve been very weird lately, very emotional. I think I’m just under an insane amount of stress, and sometimes it’s just hard to cope with it all. I don’t really want to get into everything that’s stressing me out, even though lately my mind has been in overdrive, constantly digging up every little worry from the deepest corners of my mind and holding it in front of my eyes. I feel weak lately. I feel broken.

The other night, something weird happened with Ryan. I asked him something about his past, to which of course he answered openly and honestly, to which of course I burst into tears and sobbed for an hour. It really hurt me, and I don’t know why. I think sometimes it really hurts to come to grips with the fact that you aren’t always someone’s first love. You aren’t always someone’s first everything. It made me feel less valued to realize this…that there have been other people that have been Ryan’s everything. But how can I be upset about something from the past? How can I be upset about something that happened years before he even knew I existed? How can I hold his honesty and openness against him? As wounded and broken as I felt, it made me feel better just to know he was there, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, solid & steady & loving.

And as I was laying there, puffy-eyed and lonely, he started talking about things I’ve never heard come out of his mouth. Talking about how much I mean to him and how he’s never felt this way about anyone before. How he lives for me, How he wants to have a life with me, How he wants to make a little person with me. Because I was irritated and angry, I shrugged it off, I was snappy. “I think I just want to adopt,” I said, as I turned away from him to face the wall. I could hear it in his voice, just how upset he was at that idea. “No! I want to make a life with you. We’re going to be amazing parents.” I could tell he was thinking about everything we would do with our child, all the places we would take him (her), everything we could teach him. It made me feel all warm & tingly. I looked at him. “It’s going to be beautiful,” he said. He kissed my forehead. “It’s going to be so beautiful.” He put his arm around me, and we fell asleep.

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