My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

23 =)

Posted by Cauri on April 23, 2007

I could not ask for a better weekend for a birthday. It was gorgeous! Friday night we played around with Bruno and tried to eat somewhere new and exciting for dinner. Ryan ended up spending $50 on a typical chinese dinner. We could’ve spent about $12 for the same food in bayonne (but better quality) and it would’ve been delivered in 15 mins. We headed back to Ryan’s Friday night, and his mom gave me an adorable card and money for St. Thomas =)

Saturday we wandered over to Liberty State Park. It was so beautiful out, and there was a big Earth Day festival. So we walked down to see the Lady, and then we wandered back to the festival. I got a free cupcake and some green cotton candy from my best friend. Couldn’t ask for a better way to spend a bday =) When we came home, Ryan cooked me an AMAZING meal. He totally just played around with it too. We started with a spinach salad. He also made garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and grilled salmon in white wine. It was the best meal I’ve ever eaten. I couldn’t believe he just “created” it, without glancing at a recipe or anything. I can’t wait to get a place with him and invite people over for dinner and games. Everyone will be amazed by his cooking.

Then we watched the Departed and cuddled and scratched till we went to sleep. On Sunday we went out to dinner with my dad and brother, and then we all got ice cream. Ryan, Brett, and Bruno all watched baseball, while I tried to get them to play games and stuff. Finally I got to end the night cuddling the love of my life and watching some HGTV =)

Ryan left for work this morning, and Bruno soon snuck in to take his place in my bed. Except Bruno hurt his leg/shoulder (once again…It’s an ongoing thing with this puppy) so he cried until I woke up and just held him. It’s another beautiful day, and I had all sorts of plans for where we could go for a walk, but Bruno hasn’t gotten off the couch, so I figure I should just let him rest. I have class soon, and next week starts my finals, sooo…maybe I should just rest too =)

Posted in Daily Life, Love, relationships | 1 Comment »

just a weekend

Posted by Cauri on April 16, 2007

This weather is insane. It took me an hour & half to get home from Ryan’s this morning, due to all the flooding and people not knowing how to drive when it rains. I finally get home, and now it’s snowing. Supposedly we’re in a state of emergency, but school isn’t canceled, so I’ve got some homework to do.

The weekend was amazing. Bruno came with me out to Ryan’s on Friday night, and he really loved the city life. He just adores Ryan, and it’s so sweet to see how Bruno looks to him for comfort. On Saturday we dropped Bruno back off at my house and headed all the way out to Blairstown to hike. We did about 5 miles, and it was pretty flat and easy walking, but we figured that’d be a good start to “spring” hiking. Then we drove to Hot Dog Johnny’s, where I used to go all the time when I was a kid. Ryan scarfed down three hot dogs, and I snacked away on my fries. The hot dogs smelled really good to me though, and for some reason we agreed that I can eat hot dogs when I’m pregnant. I’m aware that that’s entirely hypocritical. But for whatever reason, I just think it may be impossible to ignore the urge to eat certain animals when there’s a person in my stomach.  (On second thought, that sentence really creeped me out.)

On Sunday we booked a vacation for early June to St. Thomas. Six nights/seven days, nonstop flights, a beautiful hotel, beautiful beaches, hiking trails, and hopefully some peace and quiet. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a week after finishing college.

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Had to get away

Posted by Cauri on April 9, 2007

Ryan and I have both been so overwhelmed with life lately that we decided to get away for the weekend. Actually, Ryan surprised me on Wednesday by booking a room in Boston for Saturday night. We didn’t even realize it was Easter weekend, so it was perfect, because nobody was around. It only took a little over 3 hours to get up there, and in general the city was pretty empty. There was the occasional Jesus-pusher or homeless man, but most of the time we could walk everywhere without anybody pissing us off.

Boston was one of the first trips we took as a couple two years ago. It was exciting, because it was the first city we’ve gone back to, so we went to all the same restaurants and same romantic spots we found last time. The hotel was in a much better location this time though, and it was so beautiful. The city itself was very cold and windy, so our only complaints were windburn, sore throats, and runny noses. And the fact that all 40 of my pictures of the trip were taken in a ten-minute timeframe because that was the only time my hands braved the cold.

Over-all it was exactly what we needed. Instead of ranting about coworkers and professors, our conversations were about buildings and food and where to go next. I love exploring cities with Ryan, and I can’t wait to find out where we’ll be going/what we’ll be doing in June, although St. Thomas is at the top of our list. =)

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Next summer

Posted by Cauri on March 27, 2007

So Ryan and I have been talking a lot lately. The past few months have just been incredible. We’ve been the ultimate team, laughing, loving, and really living. We’ve been making time to just get out and enjoy the world…Doing random things to make each other happy. We’ve also spent a lot of time watching HGTV and planning our dream house.

On Sunday we were driving around Ryan’s work looking for houses for sale. We’ve started a plan. Well, a plan that relies mainly on me landing a decent full-time job in the fall or it will otherwise fall apart, but a plan nonetheless. And then that plan includes finding a cheap apartment in the fall (Cheap meaning under $1000, which, may be impossible unless we move to Newark) and then scrounging until next summer, when we could possibly buy a home.

When we got home, we were just holding each other, all excited about our plan, and it’s really hard to put that moment into words. It was sort of like, our identities just disappeared. Nothing mattered in that moment except for our connection. Nothing negative or even individual could be discerned. We were just one being. It was pure love. I’d never experienced anything like that before, and in the moments following, we were talking about a spontaneous wedding. A quick, book-your-flight-to-Vegas-and-Elvis-impersonator-on-Expedia wedding. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of issues related to my mother and how to avoid any familial negativity on my Special Day when people begin to realize that my mother won’t be attending. And this Elvis plan, this would’ve been an easy way out. But this time, I don’t exactly want the easy way out. I want the real deal.

So yesterday, I was googling “castles in ireland” and “weddings in ireland” and I was getting all fairytale. Except most of those castles require that you fly 200 people out there and schlep 200 people from the nearest airport to the magical castle and then you house 200 people and feed 200 people and it started to get a little complicated. I might not want the easy way out, but I do NOT want complicated. So I was fiddling with Google Earth, and I wandered to where I always wander, at least once a week, back to Acadia, on Mount Desert Island, in Maine. I googled “Acadia weddings” and was surprised at what I found. For $50, I can have my special day in the park–at whatever magical spot I happen to fall in love with–I’d have my pick of the park. Immediately, I was going back through pictures, recounting endless memories, and it just made complete sense. That is where my relationship absolutely solidified with Ryan. That is where we really knew how much we loved each other. That was when we knew we’d last forever.

It’s perfect. I immediately came up with a list of the most important people to us, and we do not need 200 people there. It’s more like 20. I do not need extended family there, just my best friends, my dad, and my brother, oh and Bruno, who would absolutely have to be there. And I’ve been looking through the vacation houses, and it will be so easy to accommodate people. We could get three huge houses for the week and have everybody split up between them (Costing each person about $200). Or individual couples can rent their own cabins for the week (Which can be done for $600, like we did last year) and we would all get a week-vacation together. It will be a blast.

So now this is practically all I can think about. About finding a photographer who really knows the mountains. About contacting the Lompoc Cafe, where every third song is another Tori song. About finding the perfect dress. About telling my friends. Sometimes I stop myself, because, oh wait, I forgot to wait until I got engaged! But that part doesn’t even matter. That’s a given. I don’t even need to go through that process, but Ryan does want to be able to call each other fiance. So we will get there. This summer, we will probably go back to Acadia to find the “perfect spot” and start getting all the little details together. And next summer, it should all come together.

Posted in Love, relationships, Yay! | 2 Comments »

Even better than last year’s

Posted by Cauri on December 15, 2006

I’ve been more chipper the past couple of days. I think that has to do with the fact that Ryan’s been coming out to me after work, so even if I only get to see him for an hour, it really lifts my spirits. I love looking out the window and watching him walk up to the door. It always gives me goosebumps. He’s so adorable. So yes, I’m incredibly stressed with school, but I’ve got to just let it roll off my shoulders. (Side Note: This was originally the first paragraph of the previous entry, before I went off on my rant. Obviously everything has not been rolling off my shoulders.)

Ryan’s birthday was last weekend, and I never even wrote about it. But because my love’s birthday is so close to Christmas, I think I majorly overcompensate. In my head, I tell myself that he’s probably been shafted his whole life (even though I’m not even sure if that’s true), so I make sure that both his birthday and Christmas are amazing. Last year I had all his friends come over for a surprise party at my house. I invited them in October, and figuring that they’re boys and they forget things, I kept in contact with them via email for the next two months. I started planning, ordering food, setting up a poker table, etc. Even though everyone showed up and it was a blast, all that jazz took two months of planning and too much stress so I decided to let this year be a little easier. The Tuesday before his birthday, he told his friends to come out to Dave and Busters Saturday night. Just to clarify, he gave his friends FIVE days notice, and every one of his best friends showed up. If only I’d known it could be that easy.

On Sunday, I took Ryan to the city for a “magical day of romance”. We took the path in and walked to the tree. Actually, we walked by the tree, glanced at it, and then got the hell out of there. We wandered and went into some stores and then headed over to a cute little restaurant for an amazing sushi dinner. The atmosphere was absolutely perfect, very intimate & romantic. It was also very “gay-friendly” but at least nobody hit on my boyfriend. Then we walked down to Times Square and went shopping at Virgin. We walked into Toys R Us to look for games, but that place was insane. I don’t think either of us knows why we even thought about going in there. That place was hell. By this time, (Actually by the time we even saw the tree) Ryan had an inkling that we would be going to a show, and by this point it was obvious I was just trying to buy some time. We walked up and down a couple of adjacent blocks, by Avenue Q, by the Producers, and then finally we went to see Spamalot (which Ryan has wanted to see for a long time). It was so funny, and I loved squeezing his hand and hearing him laugh the whole time. Then we headed up to the top of the Marriott Marquis and sipped some wine and snacked on cheese, laughing and recapping the day. At one point I was just admiring him from across the table, when I asked, “Can you see us coming back here twenty years from now?” He grabbed my hand, “Of course.”

On the train ride home, I snuggled into him as he whispered all the reasons he adores me, all the reasons he knows we’ll last. He kept putting little kisses on my cheeks and forehead, he kept grinning at me. It was one of those nights that makes life worth living. It’s the reason I fell apart on Monday morning, when we woke up and parted ways. When I had to head to school only to freak out about exams, when I had to come home to an empty house. I’ve never felt this way before. I want to marry him. I want to make our bond everlasting. I want to make every birthday of his even better than the last.

Posted in Daily Life, Love | 2 Comments »

My home

Posted by Cauri on December 13, 2006

Yesterday I was putting my shoes on to go babysit, and I started crying again about how much I missed Ryan.  I’m having such a difficult time constantly traveling between my two “homes”, neither of which is concrete.  I pulled myself together, told myself that a week from now I will be fine, and I headed out.  When I got to their door, I burst out crying again.  The mom told me she didn’t need me to babysit anyway, but why don’t I just come in, we could get Chinese food, we could bake cookies, we could drink wine, hell I could just take a nap if I needed to.  I cried for a little while, just venting about this insane amount of stress I’ve been under, and how it’s been so hard to have Ryan so far away.  I’ve been freaking out about christmas because, again with the money that I don’t have, and everything I want to get my family.  (I’ve wanted to get my dad a coffee table so badly, but every decent one is hundreds of dollars.) 

I went out back and played with their dogs for a while.  Then I came back in and played with their 18-month-old son.  We did order Chinese food.  We did drink wine.  Then the dad went up to the attic and pulled out a beautiful antique coffeetable that had just been sitting in their attic for years.  He polished it, and it looked gorgeous.  They told me to just take it.  I’m going to pick it up later today.

I realize how stupid it is to complain about such trivial things.  I know that I’m lucky to have these types of people in my life.  I realize that I’m not stressing about anything all that huge.  But I headed out to Ryan’s last night just because I’ve been having such a rough time away from him.  We snuggled and held each other and just talked for a couple hours.  I love that feeling.  I’m so lost without that, that feeling of home.  Nothing compares to being with him…that sense of family, that sense of security, that sense of completeness.  I am so ready to make him my family.  I am so ready to commit myself to him.  We could be living in a cardboard box, and I would feel safe, secure, and loved.  He is my home.

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cannot keep doing this

Posted by Cauri on December 11, 2006

I have just not been myself lately. I’m obsessive, I’m insecure, I’m stressed, I’m weak. I’m freaking out. All I keep thinking is that I used to be such a strong person. What the hell happened to me? It’s like I’ve become scared. I’m so fragile and afraid to live. I freak out about everything. I just cannot stop worrying. Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror, and I look so sad and hopeless. I want to scream at myself to snap out of it. I want to shake myself and wake up. I want to become someone else.

I used to be so confident and happy. I used to live the kind of thrilling life that other people envied. I used to love who I was. So what am I supposed to do? What should I change? I think my number one priority has to be to graduate. I’m not living right now. I’m just going through the motions. Driving to school, sitting through class, handing in papers, taking exams. I’m numb to the world, but I am doing well in school. I can’t lose sight of that.

Sometimes I blame Ryan. I blame Ryan for my unhappiness.  How fair is that?  He has a girlfriend who’s losing her mind, whose Monday-Friday life revolves around writing papers and taking exams, and whose weekend-life revolves around crying and yelling and falling apart.  And not only does he have to deal with her outbreaks, He holds her through all of them.

He hugs me so tightly, he kisses my head, he swears to me that I’m the reason he’s living, that this will all pass, that we’ll always be strong.  He picks me up every single weekend, and everything seems to make sense.  And then I crumble again on Monday.  I’m so depressed, and I feel even worse for putting Ryan through this garbage.  I feel like he deserves so much better.   I cannot keep doing this.

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solid, steady & loving

Posted by Cauri on December 5, 2006

I’ve been very weird lately, very emotional. I think I’m just under an insane amount of stress, and sometimes it’s just hard to cope with it all. I don’t really want to get into everything that’s stressing me out, even though lately my mind has been in overdrive, constantly digging up every little worry from the deepest corners of my mind and holding it in front of my eyes. I feel weak lately. I feel broken.

The other night, something weird happened with Ryan. I asked him something about his past, to which of course he answered openly and honestly, to which of course I burst into tears and sobbed for an hour. It really hurt me, and I don’t know why. I think sometimes it really hurts to come to grips with the fact that you aren’t always someone’s first love. You aren’t always someone’s first everything. It made me feel less valued to realize this…that there have been other people that have been Ryan’s everything. But how can I be upset about something from the past? How can I be upset about something that happened years before he even knew I existed? How can I hold his honesty and openness against him? As wounded and broken as I felt, it made me feel better just to know he was there, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, solid & steady & loving.

And as I was laying there, puffy-eyed and lonely, he started talking about things I’ve never heard come out of his mouth. Talking about how much I mean to him and how he’s never felt this way about anyone before. How he lives for me, How he wants to have a life with me, How he wants to make a little person with me. Because I was irritated and angry, I shrugged it off, I was snappy. “I think I just want to adopt,” I said, as I turned away from him to face the wall. I could hear it in his voice, just how upset he was at that idea. “No! I want to make a life with you. We’re going to be amazing parents.” I could tell he was thinking about everything we would do with our child, all the places we would take him (her), everything we could teach him. It made me feel all warm & tingly. I looked at him. “It’s going to be beautiful,” he said. He kissed my forehead. “It’s going to be so beautiful.” He put his arm around me, and we fell asleep.

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My adventures in babysitting

Posted by Cauri on December 5, 2006

Starting to lose my mind!  Next week is my last week of classes, then Monday the 18th I have four finals!  So everything leading up to the end of the semester is starting to crush me.  I’ve been babysitting literally every day, trying to save up for Christmas.  I’m mostly done shopping for Ryan, and I’m giving $200 back to my dad so that he can get something nice for my brother.  I’ve pretty much been living at Borders because of their amazing coupons and the fact that there is something there for everybody. 

Last weekend I did a little too much babysitting, and I’m still recovering.  Friday night I babysat for the old kids in Short Hills (There are now three families i watch in short hills, but these are the kids i nannied for 3 years ago).  Bri had to bring home a stuffed puppy from school for the weekend, so we had to take pictures and write everything that we did in the puppy’s journal.  Then on Saturday I got to have an overnight babysitting adventure with S&G, and S actually had to do the same thing, except with a little bear.  So we took the bear over to my house, then out for pizza, then over to (where else?) Borders.  They actually went to bed pretty easily, but G woke me up very early on Sunday because I had to look at her new bunk bed.  The same new bunk bed I’ve been tucking her into for three months now.  

It was a whole new element spending 24 hours with them.  It’s very different when you’re responsible for somebody else’s little people for such a large amount of time.  I slept in the same room as them, and every cough in the night had me envisioning trips to the emergency room and frantic phone calls to their parents.  The next morning when we all woke up, I took the fastest shower ever.  I was probably in there for a minute & a half, but G came in five times to tell me different knock-knock jokes.  When I got out of the shower, I was standing there in my towel, trying to shoo the 3-year-old out the door, waiting for her to wrap up her jokes, when she looked up at me and sweetly asked, “Do you love me, Courtney?”  “Yes, G, of course I love you!”  A huge smile stretched across her face. “I love you too!” Melted my whole heart.

I actually got to bring them to a birthday party for someone else I babysit for on Sunday, because they’re all friends.  I got to act like I was 5 years old again, and it was a blast.  But I am still wiped out from all that excitement, and it’s been hard getting my final psych experiment together, and thinking about finals just has me freaked out.  I’m just trying to stay positive by thinking about Ryan’s 25th birthday this weekend and how magical it will be =)

Posted in Babysitting, Daily Life, friends, Love, relationships | 3 Comments »

dreams for Christmas

Posted by Cauri on November 29, 2006

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been freaking out about xmas gifts this year.  I’ve made neverending lists, most of which look exactly the same.  There are so many things that I want to get for my dad and my boyfriend, the two people who have stuck by me through everything I’ve gone through in the last year.  The only people on the planet that I can look in the eyes and confide anything to, even (and probably most importantly) when I feel like I’ve failed.  The two people who have showered me in so much love and compassion and have constantly gone out of their way to make sure I’m happy.  I never thought that Christmas would get me into that “I have to spend as much money as possible” routine, but it’s really got me into this mood of, “This is my chance to show them how much I appreciate everything.  This is my chance to show them how well I know them.  This is my chance to really make them feel happy and appreciated.”  

Last night I cleaned out my room.  Like really cleaned out my room.  Threw out seven full garbage bags of crap, a lot of which were letters and lots of old crap from my old bedroom in Hackettstown, where I lived the first nine years of my life, through my freshman year at college in Pennsylvania.  The only thing I held onto were stories and poems that I’d written, (Many dating back to second grade).  I found so many letters from old friends, and even letters from my dad, and although his letters are always very simple, it’s always obvious how much he loved me, how much he has taken care of me.  It was hard to throw out a lot of things, and anything that made me cry I put in a box–But I limited myself to one single box of memories.  Anyway, it sounds cheesy, but looking through that box is what matters.  Fancy christmas gifts do not matter.  I realized that by putting together meaningful gifts from the heart that show how much I appreciate my dad and my boyfriend, it will strike them as more of a loving & meaningful present.

When I finished cleaning my room, I came downstairs, and there was an envelope with the words “For Courtney” typed on the front.  Inside was $400.  From my dad.  I burst into tears and didn’t want to take the money, but my dad said he couldn’t stand to see how stressed out I’ve been and how much this has been affecting me.  He said he knows how badly I want to get Ryan great presents and he said he wanted to help me in any way possible. 

I’m going to use the money for really great things for my dad for around the house.  There are so many things he could use (a new dvd player, a coffeetable) and there are additional things that will make him happy (like Devils tickets).  My gazillions of lists have come in handy, because with the money left over I’m going to order my brother a bunch of presents (that can be from my dad) and, of course, I will be able to get Ryan the dream gift that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to afford.  It may seem weird that I’m basically getting my dad gifts with his own money, but isn’t it really the thought that counts?  He’s going to be so surprised by what I have in mind for him, and it’s things that he would never buy for himself because he’s always putting us first.  I’m just so thrilled, and I feel like all of my Christmas dreams are becoming reality.

Posted in Daily Life, family, Love, memories, relationships | Leave a Comment »