My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Archive for the ‘Daily Life’ Category

what would be nice

Posted by Cauri on May 16, 2007

oh, what a month.  While I was constantly writing papers and/or studying for exams and/or trying to remember which class was at which time on which day, Bruno was crying/screaming/irritable and generally unable to move.  My baby had lyme disease.  Which meant he cried and screamed when he had to lay down, he cried and screamed when he had to get up, he cried and screamed when he had to pee, he cried and screamed when he had to eat, he cried all night, he cried all day.  It took a whopping FOUR trips to my genius vet…(That’s four trips of me carrying a 70-pound dog to and from my car and to and from the office) before he diagnosed lyme disease.  He’s on antibiotics now, so he’s been a dream, but man, that was a rough month.

Now that he’s feeling better though, his personality has just come bursting through, and we all love him to death.  He’s such a lover.  He’s still very much a puppy, but he is such a snuggly cuddle monster.  And, once he hit seven months, he got his ears! 

So I’ve just spent my time spoiling him to death, and now it will be impossible for me to ever leave home. 

But in other news, my six finals are OVER, and I’m almost through my first week of my summer class.  So now I’ve started the job search.  I have an interview lined up next week for an adolescent youth shelter, which would be perfect!  I’m hoping I just land the job so that I can take a break from stress.  With everything I’m coming out of, I would love it if my life could just consist of going to work and coming home. 

Yeah, that would be nice.

Posted in Daily Life, doberman, School | 3 Comments »

23 =)

Posted by Cauri on April 23, 2007

I could not ask for a better weekend for a birthday. It was gorgeous! Friday night we played around with Bruno and tried to eat somewhere new and exciting for dinner. Ryan ended up spending $50 on a typical chinese dinner. We could’ve spent about $12 for the same food in bayonne (but better quality) and it would’ve been delivered in 15 mins. We headed back to Ryan’s Friday night, and his mom gave me an adorable card and money for St. Thomas =)

Saturday we wandered over to Liberty State Park. It was so beautiful out, and there was a big Earth Day festival. So we walked down to see the Lady, and then we wandered back to the festival. I got a free cupcake and some green cotton candy from my best friend. Couldn’t ask for a better way to spend a bday =) When we came home, Ryan cooked me an AMAZING meal. He totally just played around with it too. We started with a spinach salad. He also made garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and grilled salmon in white wine. It was the best meal I’ve ever eaten. I couldn’t believe he just “created” it, without glancing at a recipe or anything. I can’t wait to get a place with him and invite people over for dinner and games. Everyone will be amazed by his cooking.

Then we watched the Departed and cuddled and scratched till we went to sleep. On Sunday we went out to dinner with my dad and brother, and then we all got ice cream. Ryan, Brett, and Bruno all watched baseball, while I tried to get them to play games and stuff. Finally I got to end the night cuddling the love of my life and watching some HGTV =)

Ryan left for work this morning, and Bruno soon snuck in to take his place in my bed. Except Bruno hurt his leg/shoulder (once again…It’s an ongoing thing with this puppy) so he cried until I woke up and just held him. It’s another beautiful day, and I had all sorts of plans for where we could go for a walk, but Bruno hasn’t gotten off the couch, so I figure I should just let him rest. I have class soon, and next week starts my finals, sooo…maybe I should just rest too =)

Posted in Daily Life, Love, relationships | 1 Comment »

Worried

Posted by Cauri on April 17, 2007

The VA tech incident has really shaken me up.  I don’t usually let stuff like this get to me.  I live in NJ.  We’re trained not to respond to these sorts of things.  Stuff happens.  You suck it up and move on.  It’s just so devastating.  I’ve come close to puking a number of times.

I was driving out to school last night, worried about assignments and upcoming class discussions, as I listened to the whole VA story on the radio.  It just ripped me apart.   I guess it really hit home.  These good, innocent, young people, just had everything taken from them.  Most of them probably battled with the idea of even getting out of bed and heading to class early yesterday morning.  Those who did were probably nervous about a presentation or were worried about a fight they just had with their boyfriend.  Others probably wandered to class elated and eager to graduate in less than a month.  God, I can’t even imagine the turn of events.  Going from focusing on what your teacher’s saying, to suddenly fighting for your life.

I heard somebody on the radio speaking about how they had to call the family members of the victims, and I was just bawling.  I just kept thinking, what the hell would my father do if he got that call?  What about Ryan?  If they had to look at my body… Lifeless me in Ryan’s sweatshirt and the sneakers my dad just bought me last week, my valentine’s heart necklace dangling around my neck.  I almost couldn’t bring myself to go to school.

I just can’t get over it.  These young, cheerful people, full of dreams, focused on getting out of school and getting their lives started.  How dare one insensitive prick take that away from them.  Why does this happen?  Why does one miserable person seek to destroy so many others?  I guess as a future psychologist, I should look into these sorts of things.

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just a weekend

Posted by Cauri on April 16, 2007

This weather is insane. It took me an hour & half to get home from Ryan’s this morning, due to all the flooding and people not knowing how to drive when it rains. I finally get home, and now it’s snowing. Supposedly we’re in a state of emergency, but school isn’t canceled, so I’ve got some homework to do.

The weekend was amazing. Bruno came with me out to Ryan’s on Friday night, and he really loved the city life. He just adores Ryan, and it’s so sweet to see how Bruno looks to him for comfort. On Saturday we dropped Bruno back off at my house and headed all the way out to Blairstown to hike. We did about 5 miles, and it was pretty flat and easy walking, but we figured that’d be a good start to “spring” hiking. Then we drove to Hot Dog Johnny’s, where I used to go all the time when I was a kid. Ryan scarfed down three hot dogs, and I snacked away on my fries. The hot dogs smelled really good to me though, and for some reason we agreed that I can eat hot dogs when I’m pregnant. I’m aware that that’s entirely hypocritical. But for whatever reason, I just think it may be impossible to ignore the urge to eat certain animals when there’s a person in my stomach.  (On second thought, that sentence really creeped me out.)

On Sunday we booked a vacation for early June to St. Thomas. Six nights/seven days, nonstop flights, a beautiful hotel, beautiful beaches, hiking trails, and hopefully some peace and quiet. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a week after finishing college.

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My view of Dobes

Posted by Cauri on April 2, 2007

As Bruno and I have been spending all of our time together, he has completely changed my view of Doberman pinschers. He is my baby. He is a very large baby (63 pounds), but he is such a baby. He loves to cuddle, lick, snuggle, play, and cuddle some more. A few months ago, if I had seen another Dobe being walked a few feet away from me on a trail in the park, I would probably pause and/or freak out, and I try to remind myself of this, but every time I take Bruno for a walk and somebody freaks out, I get so angry!  He doesn’t even pay attention to other people when we’re on a walk.  He is not a fierce biting machine.  He is a puppy!

So many people have made nasty comments to me, like, “Well, maybe your dog’s nice, but it’s the breed”, as they slowly walk in the other direction. Or my favorite, by some yuppie at the dog park, “Ugh, not this dog again.” (Because he’s too big to play with her miniature piece of vomit.) This dog seems to be the friendliest dog I’ve ever counted, to other dogs and to other humans. He doesn’t greet people incessantly. He minds his own business. But if someone seems interested, he’s more than happy to play with them for a while or let them scratch his neck.

My brother took him to the vet last week, and Bruno was laying on the floor licking a little girl’s face, when two older women walked in. They saw Bruno and froze in the doorway. “Be careful,” warned my brother, sarcastically, “He bites.” They panicked. “Really?” My brother shook his head and was like, “He’s licking some little girl who he’s never met before!”

People have been so conditioned to fear Dobes, just because they happen to represent attack dogs in practically every movie.  And I’m sure if you conditioned them to live in your backyard and only have contact with a human or two, they will turn into fierce, human-eating monsters.  I’m also sure that if you tried to sneak into my house and Bruno had never met you before, he would probably become very territorial and would want you to leave.  But as long as he’s meeting you on neutral territory, as in on a trail in a park, he would probably pay no attention to you and would simply walk on.

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Cell phone story

Posted by Cauri on March 13, 2007

Since I’ve been spending most of my days alone with Bruno and heading off to school at night, I like to tire him out early in the day so I can get my studying done in the afternoon.  I’ve been taking him to the dog park a lot, because it’s great for him.  It’s great exercise, and it’s great for him to learn to play with other dogs.  We definitely don’t want a dog-aggressive Dobe.

About two weeks ago, we had a lot of rainfall, which caused a lot of snow melting.  I just didn’t want to bring Bruno to the dogpark because I didn’t want a muddy mess in my car.  So I brought him across town to some of the newly paved trails.  They were still pretty icy and snowy, but in my head I figured, at least it isn’t muddy.  Before I left my car, I faced the decision of what to bring with me–I decided just keys and cell phone.  Soon after we started walking, Ryan called me.  I hung up with him just as Bruno and I hit an icy bridge.  Of course Bruno started tugging me, and of course my feet slipped on the ice, and of course my cellphone flew out of my hand and slid perfectly between the holes in the banister and into the stream below.

The water was flowing so rapidly, I knew there was no shot at getting my phone back.  I yelled at Bruno, I cried, and we stormed back to my car, where I yelled at him some more.  Bruno sighed, and slammed his body down, his head tucked under, and wouldn’t look at me.  I felt awful and drove him over to the dog park.  It wasn’t muddy, nobody was there, and we spent an hour chasing each other around.

Verizon refused to give me a new phone without proof of damage or without a police report, so after debating for two weeks (I actually loved living without a cell phone, because I’ve been so sick of having six new messages every time I turned it on), last night my dad and I headed down to the bridge where I dropped it.  And there was my phone, sitting in the stream, right where I left it.  My agile dad made his way over and under sticks and pricker bushes down to the side of the stream.  He found a perfectly curved stick and started trying to reach my cell phone.  Six different people stopped on the bridge to laugh at us and tell us we wouldn’t be able to do it.  My dad proved them wrong.  He’s my hero.

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Life in general

Posted by Cauri on March 13, 2007

Life has just been going too fast lately. And it’s weird, because in a way, I’m actually loving it. It’s full speed ahead to the end of my college career, to the end of my babysitting career, to a real life in the real world.

Last week I had a great night out with Lauren for her birthday. It was some very much-needed girl time, where we could just talk about the things that really matter in our lives. It was a lot of fun to hang out with her, and it brought back all sorts of memories. We had dinner together and then just drove around (since she locked herself out of her apartment) and then we ate sundaes at Friendly’s. It’s so weird that she’s a girl that quickly became my best friend when we met when we were 11 years old. She turned 23 two weeks ago.

The following week, my dad and brother took off to Tennessee for my dad’s work, leaving me and Ryan home with the Brunster for four days. It was a great weekend for the three of us, bonding in ways we hadn’t experienced before, Ryan and I acting as the parents, and Bruno, our little pride and joy. We loved taking him out everywhere and showing him off, to people in the park and to admirers at Petsmart. The three of us cuddled in bed at night, Bruno pushing his little nose to our lips when he had to go out, and then dashing straight back to bed to snuggle back to sleep. When my family came home Sunday night, it was sad. Watching Bruno race around the house, completely ignoring the family we’d created that weekend. It was great practice for me and Ryan. Cooking our meals together at home, sneaking out for an hour to have time alone, only to race back because we missed Bruno. We’re so ready to have a life and a family together.

Bruno’s been mostly my responsibility lately anyway, since my brother decided to take on a part-time job (in addition to his business) and then stay out late every night. But yesterday, Bruno hurt his little leg jumping out of bed with my brother in the morning. Brett put him in my bed and then headed off to work, and for four hours the puppy just cried and cried and cried. I thought he just missed Brett, maybe he was just tired and needed cuddling. Until I realized he had hurt his leg. The rest of the day was spent carrying the 60-pound baby to and from the car, to and from the vet’s, to and from the couch. X-rays showed nothing was wrong, so he was drugged and returned to us. He cried for three more hours until he finally passed out. When he woke up around 9:00 last night, he was suddenly cured. He was racing madly around the house, tossing around every toy he could find, eager to make up for the day he lost. He’s in the same mood today. He’s fine. I wish I could say the same about my back.

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There was no way out, the only way out was to give in.

Posted by Cauri on February 20, 2007

Friday was a weird day for me. Friday night I had a meltdown. I was babysitting S&G. I put them to bed and came downstairs. I poured myself a cup of coffee and paced back and forth. I just started crying. About everything. I was really sad about N moving, and I think I bottled it up for too long. I cried about graduating and not babysitting S&G anymore. I was pacing in the kitchen. The same kitchen I was pacing in two years ago when I was trying to decide if it was a good idea to date Ryan. I guess it just struck me–How many of my memories exist in other people’s houses. How many lives I’ll be walking out of, how many people I won’t be seeing on a weekly basis anymore.

I drove out to Ryan’s late Friday night and cried the whole way. When I got there, we talked until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I was ok. Saturday we woke up and played scrabble and got sushi delivered and headed into the city. We were supposed to see Alex Borstein (Lois on Family Guy) but for whatever reason she cancelled, and we ended up seeing a mixture of comedians, but everyone was really funny. Ryan and I laughed the whole way as we walked the thirty blocks down to the show and about 10 blocks back (before Ryan surprised me with a cab). I can’t explain the comfort I felt to have him there, to share these experiences with him. To know that everything is ok, that I do have some stability in my life.

I started reading Running with Scissors on the bus. It was a super repulsive, disturbing story about the hell that was this child’s life from the ages of 10-15. I could completely relate to it.  (Just because our moms are similar, not because I’m gay or anything.)  Except I couldn’t understand how the author remained so positive, since when I was 13, all I ever thought about was killing myself, and this kid had absolutely no one, nothing in his life that he could count on, and that thought never seemed to enter his mind. I woke up early on Sunday to finish it.

I’m very lucky, and I realize that. This amazing guy that I’m in love with is also an incredible best friend. I can’t imagine what I’d be going through right now if I didn’t have Ryan to count on, if he didn’t listen to me ramble on & on about my nightmare babysitting experiences, or the professor who wouldn’t stop picking on me. But I’ve been pushing and pushing him away lately, feeling like I should be able to pick myself up on my own, I should be able to deal with things on my own. A huge part of growing up for me, lately, has been not only accepting that I have found somebody I can depend on, but to actually let him take care of me sometimes. My hugest battle has been to release, to embrace, and to give in.

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Lazy Friday

Posted by Cauri on January 19, 2007

I’ve been so overwhelmed lately, I’m not even sure what to write about.  All week it’s been one thing after another after another.  But I guess that’s just how my life is at this point.  I’ve realized I’m not very good with change.  It’s weird, because I always thought I loved change, I sought change.  But not right now.  There’s too much going on.  I’d like to settle down more into a stable routine.  I guess the new semester’s just thrown me off this week.  I could’ve used an extra week of break.  I’ve been to four of the six classes so far, and I think I’ll get a good handle on them.  I’m not as intimidated as I was the other day.  All of my professors so far have been women, so that’s sort of unusual.  They all seem very easy to relate to though.  They actually all seem like great teachers.

I have classes Mon, Tues, and Thurs nights now, and I’m claiming Wednesdays as a homework day and Fridays as a lazy day.  Today’s my first lazy Friday, and it’s 2:30 and i’m still in my jammies, so I think I’m doing well.  I watched some of The Office DVDs with my brother today (Ryan and I are trying to catch up to season 3) and I played a lot of Sims and cuddled a lot with Bruno.  That’s about it.  Compared to every other day this week, it’s so wonderful to relax around the house with my family.  I’m so tired of constantly running from one thing to the next.  I have cut waaay back on babysitting.  I’m not sure how exactly to tell people that I don’t really want to babysit anymore, but I’m just using my classes as an excuse for the moment.  I just realized that the final class I have to take this summer can actually be wrapped up in a very brief Mon-Thurs morning course from May 14-31, and then I will be done.  After 5 years and 4 schools, I will actually have achieved something.  And that’s about all that is on my mind.

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back to school

Posted by Cauri on January 16, 2007

Ugh, I have to leave for school in an hour, and I’m freaking out!  Where did my break go?  Ohh, I hate the first day going back to school.  I think I’m so nervous because I have to face the classes that will make or break my career.  Luckily, I just have forensic psych tonight, and then I’m going to the devils/rangers game with Ry, my dad, and Wuss.  That’ll be a fun little reward for surviving my first day back at school.  I don’t know why I’m so nervous.  My stomach is in knots.  I feel like I’m 18 again, and this is all new to me.

At this point, I couldn’t possibly be more focused on graduating.  It’s consuming me.  So I guess I’m just starting to feel the weight of all the pressure.  The months are speeding by, and it really comes down to this semester.  I also need to become involved with some sort of a career process in the fall…or at least some type of job that doesn’t involve changing diapers.  I am seriously considering focusing on writing (of some form or another, children’s books, perhaps?), at least for the time-being to see if that leads me anywhere.  I need to bring my creativity back into play.  I need to tap back into that free spirit of who I used to be.  Somebody who wasn’t so anxious all the time, somebody who didn’t have a zillion goals and deadlines and obligations on her mind every second of the day.  I need to let go, I need to relax, I need to slow down and breathe every once in a while.

But I also need to do extremely well in my six classes this semester, or else my life will be forever ruined.

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