My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

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  • February 2007
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There was no way out, the only way out was to give in.

Posted by Cauri on February 20, 2007

Friday was a weird day for me. Friday night I had a meltdown. I was babysitting S&G. I put them to bed and came downstairs. I poured myself a cup of coffee and paced back and forth. I just started crying. About everything. I was really sad about N moving, and I think I bottled it up for too long. I cried about graduating and not babysitting S&G anymore. I was pacing in the kitchen. The same kitchen I was pacing in two years ago when I was trying to decide if it was a good idea to date Ryan. I guess it just struck me–How many of my memories exist in other people’s houses. How many lives I’ll be walking out of, how many people I won’t be seeing on a weekly basis anymore.

I drove out to Ryan’s late Friday night and cried the whole way. When I got there, we talked until we fell asleep in each other’s arms. I was ok. Saturday we woke up and played scrabble and got sushi delivered and headed into the city. We were supposed to see Alex Borstein (Lois on Family Guy) but for whatever reason she cancelled, and we ended up seeing a mixture of comedians, but everyone was really funny. Ryan and I laughed the whole way as we walked the thirty blocks down to the show and about 10 blocks back (before Ryan surprised me with a cab). I can’t explain the comfort I felt to have him there, to share these experiences with him. To know that everything is ok, that I do have some stability in my life.

I started reading Running with Scissors on the bus. It was a super repulsive, disturbing story about the hell that was this child’s life from the ages of 10-15. I could completely relate to it.  (Just because our moms are similar, not because I’m gay or anything.)  Except I couldn’t understand how the author remained so positive, since when I was 13, all I ever thought about was killing myself, and this kid had absolutely no one, nothing in his life that he could count on, and that thought never seemed to enter his mind. I woke up early on Sunday to finish it.

I’m very lucky, and I realize that. This amazing guy that I’m in love with is also an incredible best friend. I can’t imagine what I’d be going through right now if I didn’t have Ryan to count on, if he didn’t listen to me ramble on & on about my nightmare babysitting experiences, or the professor who wouldn’t stop picking on me. But I’ve been pushing and pushing him away lately, feeling like I should be able to pick myself up on my own, I should be able to deal with things on my own. A huge part of growing up for me, lately, has been not only accepting that I have found somebody I can depend on, but to actually let him take care of me sometimes. My hugest battle has been to release, to embrace, and to give in.


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