My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Even better than last year’s

Posted by Cauri on December 15, 2006

I’ve been more chipper the past couple of days. I think that has to do with the fact that Ryan’s been coming out to me after work, so even if I only get to see him for an hour, it really lifts my spirits. I love looking out the window and watching him walk up to the door. It always gives me goosebumps. He’s so adorable. So yes, I’m incredibly stressed with school, but I’ve got to just let it roll off my shoulders. (Side Note: This was originally the first paragraph of the previous entry, before I went off on my rant. Obviously everything has not been rolling off my shoulders.)

Ryan’s birthday was last weekend, and I never even wrote about it. But because my love’s birthday is so close to Christmas, I think I majorly overcompensate. In my head, I tell myself that he’s probably been shafted his whole life (even though I’m not even sure if that’s true), so I make sure that both his birthday and Christmas are amazing. Last year I had all his friends come over for a surprise party at my house. I invited them in October, and figuring that they’re boys and they forget things, I kept in contact with them via email for the next two months. I started planning, ordering food, setting up a poker table, etc. Even though everyone showed up and it was a blast, all that jazz took two months of planning and too much stress so I decided to let this year be a little easier. The Tuesday before his birthday, he told his friends to come out to Dave and Busters Saturday night. Just to clarify, he gave his friends FIVE days notice, and every one of his best friends showed up. If only I’d known it could be that easy.

On Sunday, I took Ryan to the city for a “magical day of romance”. We took the path in and walked to the tree. Actually, we walked by the tree, glanced at it, and then got the hell out of there. We wandered and went into some stores and then headed over to a cute little restaurant for an amazing sushi dinner. The atmosphere was absolutely perfect, very intimate & romantic. It was also very “gay-friendly” but at least nobody hit on my boyfriend. Then we walked down to Times Square and went shopping at Virgin. We walked into Toys R Us to look for games, but that place was insane. I don’t think either of us knows why we even thought about going in there. That place was hell. By this time, (Actually by the time we even saw the tree) Ryan had an inkling that we would be going to a show, and by this point it was obvious I was just trying to buy some time. We walked up and down a couple of adjacent blocks, by Avenue Q, by the Producers, and then finally we went to see Spamalot (which Ryan has wanted to see for a long time). It was so funny, and I loved squeezing his hand and hearing him laugh the whole time. Then we headed up to the top of the Marriott Marquis and sipped some wine and snacked on cheese, laughing and recapping the day. At one point I was just admiring him from across the table, when I asked, “Can you see us coming back here twenty years from now?” He grabbed my hand, “Of course.”

On the train ride home, I snuggled into him as he whispered all the reasons he adores me, all the reasons he knows we’ll last. He kept putting little kisses on my cheeks and forehead, he kept grinning at me. It was one of those nights that makes life worth living. It’s the reason I fell apart on Monday morning, when we woke up and parted ways. When I had to head to school only to freak out about exams, when I had to come home to an empty house. I’ve never felt this way before. I want to marry him. I want to make our bond everlasting. I want to make every birthday of his even better than the last.

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