My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

cannot keep doing this

Posted by Cauri on December 11, 2006

I have just not been myself lately. I’m obsessive, I’m insecure, I’m stressed, I’m weak. I’m freaking out. All I keep thinking is that I used to be such a strong person. What the hell happened to me? It’s like I’ve become scared. I’m so fragile and afraid to live. I freak out about everything. I just cannot stop worrying. Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror, and I look so sad and hopeless. I want to scream at myself to snap out of it. I want to shake myself and wake up. I want to become someone else.

I used to be so confident and happy. I used to live the kind of thrilling life that other people envied. I used to love who I was. So what am I supposed to do? What should I change? I think my number one priority has to be to graduate. I’m not living right now. I’m just going through the motions. Driving to school, sitting through class, handing in papers, taking exams. I’m numb to the world, but I am doing well in school. I can’t lose sight of that.

Sometimes I blame Ryan. I blame Ryan for my unhappiness.  How fair is that?  He has a girlfriend who’s losing her mind, whose Monday-Friday life revolves around writing papers and taking exams, and whose weekend-life revolves around crying and yelling and falling apart.  And not only does he have to deal with her outbreaks, He holds her through all of them.

He hugs me so tightly, he kisses my head, he swears to me that I’m the reason he’s living, that this will all pass, that we’ll always be strong.  He picks me up every single weekend, and everything seems to make sense.  And then I crumble again on Monday.  I’m so depressed, and I feel even worse for putting Ryan through this garbage.  I feel like he deserves so much better.   I cannot keep doing this.

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