My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

solid, steady & loving

Posted by Cauri on December 5, 2006

I’ve been very weird lately, very emotional. I think I’m just under an insane amount of stress, and sometimes it’s just hard to cope with it all. I don’t really want to get into everything that’s stressing me out, even though lately my mind has been in overdrive, constantly digging up every little worry from the deepest corners of my mind and holding it in front of my eyes. I feel weak lately. I feel broken.

The other night, something weird happened with Ryan. I asked him something about his past, to which of course he answered openly and honestly, to which of course I burst into tears and sobbed for an hour. It really hurt me, and I don’t know why. I think sometimes it really hurts to come to grips with the fact that you aren’t always someone’s first love. You aren’t always someone’s first everything. It made me feel less valued to realize this…that there have been other people that have been Ryan’s everything. But how can I be upset about something from the past? How can I be upset about something that happened years before he even knew I existed? How can I hold his honesty and openness against him? As wounded and broken as I felt, it made me feel better just to know he was there, kissing my forehead, holding my hand, solid & steady & loving.

And as I was laying there, puffy-eyed and lonely, he started talking about things I’ve never heard come out of his mouth. Talking about how much I mean to him and how he’s never felt this way about anyone before. How he lives for me, How he wants to have a life with me, How he wants to make a little person with me. Because I was irritated and angry, I shrugged it off, I was snappy. “I think I just want to adopt,” I said, as I turned away from him to face the wall. I could hear it in his voice, just how upset he was at that idea. “No! I want to make a life with you. We’re going to be amazing parents.” I could tell he was thinking about everything we would do with our child, all the places we would take him (her), everything we could teach him. It made me feel all warm & tingly. I looked at him. “It’s going to be beautiful,” he said. He kissed my forehead. “It’s going to be so beautiful.” He put his arm around me, and we fell asleep.

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