My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

dreams for Christmas

Posted by Cauri on November 29, 2006

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been freaking out about xmas gifts this year.  I’ve made neverending lists, most of which look exactly the same.  There are so many things that I want to get for my dad and my boyfriend, the two people who have stuck by me through everything I’ve gone through in the last year.  The only people on the planet that I can look in the eyes and confide anything to, even (and probably most importantly) when I feel like I’ve failed.  The two people who have showered me in so much love and compassion and have constantly gone out of their way to make sure I’m happy.  I never thought that Christmas would get me into that “I have to spend as much money as possible” routine, but it’s really got me into this mood of, “This is my chance to show them how much I appreciate everything.  This is my chance to show them how well I know them.  This is my chance to really make them feel happy and appreciated.”  

Last night I cleaned out my room.  Like really cleaned out my room.  Threw out seven full garbage bags of crap, a lot of which were letters and lots of old crap from my old bedroom in Hackettstown, where I lived the first nine years of my life, through my freshman year at college in Pennsylvania.  The only thing I held onto were stories and poems that I’d written, (Many dating back to second grade).  I found so many letters from old friends, and even letters from my dad, and although his letters are always very simple, it’s always obvious how much he loved me, how much he has taken care of me.  It was hard to throw out a lot of things, and anything that made me cry I put in a box–But I limited myself to one single box of memories.  Anyway, it sounds cheesy, but looking through that box is what matters.  Fancy christmas gifts do not matter.  I realized that by putting together meaningful gifts from the heart that show how much I appreciate my dad and my boyfriend, it will strike them as more of a loving & meaningful present.

When I finished cleaning my room, I came downstairs, and there was an envelope with the words “For Courtney” typed on the front.  Inside was $400.  From my dad.  I burst into tears and didn’t want to take the money, but my dad said he couldn’t stand to see how stressed out I’ve been and how much this has been affecting me.  He said he knows how badly I want to get Ryan great presents and he said he wanted to help me in any way possible. 

I’m going to use the money for really great things for my dad for around the house.  There are so many things he could use (a new dvd player, a coffeetable) and there are additional things that will make him happy (like Devils tickets).  My gazillions of lists have come in handy, because with the money left over I’m going to order my brother a bunch of presents (that can be from my dad) and, of course, I will be able to get Ryan the dream gift that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to afford.  It may seem weird that I’m basically getting my dad gifts with his own money, but isn’t it really the thought that counts?  He’s going to be so surprised by what I have in mind for him, and it’s things that he would never buy for himself because he’s always putting us first.  I’m just so thrilled, and I feel like all of my Christmas dreams are becoming reality.


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