My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

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  • November 2006
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Blocking out the world

Posted by Cauri on November 16, 2006

I totally isolate myself.  I just like to be alone.  At school, I jump at the chance to escape campus if I have a big enough gap between classes.  If I can’t get off campus, I at least sit in my car and just listen to music.  I should probably interract with other people on occasion.  I shouldn’t keep myself secluded.  I shouldn’t shut other people out. 

Today I crawled out of my little hole and stopped in at Starbucks.  Maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea to finally go back on a day I was pmsing, because of course three of my friends were working (three of the people i actually loved working with), and I didn’t realize  how much I missed them.  Plus I walked in right after storytime ended, so I was greeted by a couple moms who shouted “Where have you been???”, while my ultimate enemy was piling her books up, obviously proud of herself for pulling off another excellent storytime.  After I left I cried in my car.  I kept reminding myself that I made the right decision, that I wouldn’t have gotten such good grades in these difficult classes if I was still waking up at 4:30 everyday. 

Then I met up with Marianne for lunch, and we sat there for over two hours just filling each other in on everything.  I didn’t even realize how much I missed having somebody to talk to–just to fill in on the little details…the little things that your boyfriend can’t really understand.  So as the classes are winding down and my days are opening up, I’m promising myself to get out more, to do more fun things for myself.  All of my money has been going to gas & school and little xmas presents for my boyfriend.  I need to make sure that I set aside some money for myself to be able to get out and do things with my friends.  I definitely spend way too much time cooped up in my house in my sweatpants, staring at the computer, and not enough time out there in the world. 

I think I’m still trying to fast forward…to skip through the next year so I can land a job and feel like I’m somebody…somebody who isn’t just trying to block out the world.  

One Response to “Blocking out the world”

  1. You know, I often block people out too. I tend to spend most of my time at school alone and once I finally do get home the 4 hours worth of commuting leaves me too tired to invest energy in anything other than school work. So I hear ya. Hang in there. Soon we’ll both have jobs and be more than mere students!

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