My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

nothing else matters

Posted by Cauri on November 9, 2006

I’ve mostly been trying to pull myself together this week.  I got in a slump, and I didn’t really want to come out.  I guess I’ve been down for a couple months, but I’ve been in denial.  I’m just trying to speed through, honestly, I’m trying to live in fast forward.  But I didn’t realize, while I’ve been speeding through my journey, just how much time I’ve spent texting/calling/snuggling Ryan.  Until Ryan started his new job on Monday and can no longer text or call…and he has a limited snuggling schedule.  On many occasions earlier in the week, I’d randomly start bawling…It was like I was living Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  I’d drive by his old work and have random memories…Like of the time it had been a beautiful sunshiney day and then started downpouring out of nowhere, and my flip flop was taken away in a flash flood.  Immediately Ryan chased after it, and reached way down into a 2-foot-deep puddle to save my flip flop from the drain.  He was soaked and looked miserable and had to walk back into work with soaked socks and shoes and clothes, but in that moment he was my hero, and that was all that mattered.  So I’m trying to remember all these happy times, to keep myself positive and cheery, and I tell myself that, yes, it’s a good thing, that Ryan’s salary just increased 64%, that we will never be struggling, that we can have it all, and when I’m able to snuggle into him, squeeze him, and watch him fall asleep, Nothing else matters. 

It’s just been hard, calling and texting as soon as I’m up and off to school, and not hearing back until 5:30pm.  Sometimes I’d catch a reflection on my phone, and think it was illuminated, and Ryan must have tried to get in touch with me, but nothing.  It sounds pathetic, but it’s been hard.  I did not realize how attached I’ve become.   It’s just all those little things that build up during the day that I can’t wait to tell him.  And I’m not even judging myself for it, It’s fine.  I found someone I can trust 100% and love completely, and he’s confident and sexy and he’s succeeding.  He is living his dream and I couldn’t be prouder of him.  It’s just that I miss him, and I long for him, and at the end of a long day, when he wraps his arms around me, and when he tells me how much he loves me, I realize why I missed him so much, and nothing else matters.

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