My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

just feeling defeated

Posted by Cauri on November 3, 2006

Oh this week has just been madness.  After I hit the deer I went through a period of craziness.  I’ve had so much work to do for school (2 tests last week, 4 this week), and I was PMSing, and I was incredibly jumpy, and I was terrified of driving after dark, and I didn’t see Ryan all week, and every time I closed my eyes to try and fall asleep, I was re-living the horror of seeing a deer on the hood of my car.   I wasn’t sleeping, I was stressed out beyond belief, and I felt very alone.  When I’d jump up in the middle of the night, I’d immediately turn to my left to snuggle into Ryan, and countless times I was saddened and angered when I announced to myself, “He’s not here.  You’re in your own room.”  Every time I got behind the wheel, I’d scan and re-scan the woods along the roads, and I’d jump at the slightest movement.  I’m finally better at driving my car…But night driving still makes me very nervous.  I crawl along the road.

So this week I’ve been sick and exhausted…I’m just feeling defeated.  I had two huge tests on Thursday, so Wednesday night, around 8:00 i took Tylenol PM to knock myself out.  I set my alarm for six, and I woke up around 8, and just like last week, I raced around, walked into class 20 minutes late, only to learn that the test had been postponed until next week.  Teachers really should decide things like that a little sooner.

Last night I went out to Ryan’s after a long stressful day at school (and another babysitting interview…but that actually went very well..The first normal family to come out of the new families acquired this fall =)  so, i drove out to Ryan’s, bought him some Congratulations You’re A Virgin!  wine  (for his new job that starts on Monday =)  and was finally able to just relax with my love.  I was falling asleep by ten, and I loved waking up a few times and just being able to snuggle into him for real.  I’m finally feeling better, just a little groggy…so i will be crawling back into bed now.


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