My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

baby you’re my light

Posted by Cauri on October 12, 2006

I had a really hard time getting S to bed tonight.  We headed upstairs at 7:30, her sister was out by 8, and S was just freaking out about her “new” bunk bed (we’ve been having this battle for over a month).  I laid down with her on the futon in her room, and I tried everything–Back rubbing, head scratching, quiet stories, minutes of silence…But we just went around in circles, because once I was convinced she was asleep, she’d burst out crying for mommy and daddy again. 

Finally, around 9, I said, “I really know how you feel.”  She stopped crying and looked up at me.   “You do?”  “Yeah,” I said, “Sometimes it’s really hard for me to be far away from Ryan.  Sometimes I just cry because I miss him, especially at bedtime.”  She perked up.  “But does he know how to make you laugh?”  “Oh yeah, he’ll do anything to make me feel better.”  “Like what?” 

“Like today, I was feeling really sad, so he sent me a picture of my duck slippers that I named Courtney and Ryan and I left at his house.” 

She giggled.  “What else does he do?”

“Sometimes when I’m far away from him, and I only get to say goodnight to him through the phone, I get really sad.  So he starts talking in an Italian accent just to make me laugh.” 

She laughed, “What sort of things does he say?”

I gave her a couple of examples, and she burst out laughing.  She started listing all sorts of scenarios, like, “What does he say when he wants his back scratched?”  “What does he say when he’s hungry?”  “What does he say when he just wants to cuddle?”  I answered all of these in my ridiculous “italian” (if you can call it that) accent, and I realized how crazy it is that Ryan does so much for me. 

This guy would do literally anything to put a smile on my face, and sometimes (like today) I really don’t feel like I deserve it.  I’ve been going through a really tough time…I’ve been pretty far low, and it doesn’t affect him in the slightest.  I’m stressed out and cranky, and he’s still patient and loving, and most of all, persistent.  If one strategy doesn’t work, he just goes through them all, until I finally give in and break a smile.  I don’t know how he does it–How do you keep a constant beam of light and cheeriness when you’re partner is feeling so heavy and dark?  Maybe because he knows it doesn’t take that much to cheer me up, maybe he knows that I won’t be down for that much longer, maybe he knows that underneath it all, I still light up whenever he walks into a room.  I still follow him around wherever he wanders off to, I still crawl into his arms in the middle of the night, and I miss him every second of every day that I’m not with him.  Maybe he knows that this is what I need right now, a little light and love and laughter.  And if he were feeling as down as I’ve been, I’d do anything in my power to light up his world.

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