My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

Dreams of Montana

Posted by Cauri on October 9, 2006

It’s Monday again.  I had a great weekend with Ryan (duh, every monday post starts this way.)  We were actually pretty lazy this weekend.  Friday we just got some chinese food and stayed in (canceled our plans to go down to a.c. because of the rain & just over-all exhaustion).  Saturday morning we searched online for houses for sale in Montana.  It was a random idea Ryan had, but it is a possibility that we could be living there in a few years.  I do absolutely love where he lives now (across the water from nyc).  Now we have access to the best of everything (particularly noodles and sushi =) and I still get chills at night when the city lights up in the background of whatever we’re doing/wherever we’re going.  But in the future, I want to be able to disappear more.  We’d both like to be isolated, we’d like to have lots of land, we’d like to have animals, and we’d like to be “free”. 

Saturday afternoon we drove around the state looking at pretty houses and eventually we went apple picking.  Sunday we went hiking in Long Valley/Chester.  When we came home, we were beat, and we dragged out our old Scattergories game.  I spent about an hour making up new categories, and then we played until about 11 when we passed out.  It was a lazy weekend in the sense that we didn’t really go anywhere or do anything exhilarating, but the rest of the world melts away when I’m with Ryan.  And I really needed the world to melt away.

I broke down in a diner we stopped at on Saturday afternoon.  I got a veggie sandwich that had way too many mushrooms (I hate when fungus ends up on a veggie sandwich), and I just started crying about being broke.  I’m really broke.  Bottom of the barrel.  Never have I had such a small amount of money in my life.  I go week to week literally counting every dollar I have.  It’s so hard.  I’m spending $50-60 a week commuting to school, and this week I’ll be lucky if I make $35 on thursday.  I kind of just have to accept that it’s ok to be broke right now, that a year from now I’ll have a job and be on my way to making good money, but right now I can’t accept it.  Ryan’s birthday’s coming up, followed by Xmas, and right now I have absolutely nothing. 

I’m so torn about getting another job on the weekends or something, because for the first time in my college career, I’m actually focusing on school, and I’m actually doing really well in my classes, and I’m actually using things that I learned in statistics and applying them to psychology, which is something that a year ago I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do.  I only have one more year, and if that means I have to be broke for one more year, maybe I can just suck it up.  But it’s really hard.  I hate asking Ryan for things.  I hate this overwhelming guilt I feel every time he pays for my food or for anything we do (and he’s paid for literally everything we’ve done for the past month, and I can’t stand it.)  But at the same time, if I got a job on the weekends, life as I know it right now would be over.  I wouldn’t have these happy, relaxing times with my boyfriend.  I wouldn’t have extra time to get my work done.  I wouldn’t be on good terms with my dad & brother (who are paying for me to get through school).  And I wouldn’t be happy.

I just need to make some extra money for Ryan’s bday and for Xmas.  Maybe just a couple extra weeknight babysitting jobs…I’m just trying to focus on the future…That I’m doing this for myself in the future…That eventually I’ll have everything…Right now I’m pretty close…I have the love of my life and a solid foundation…and I’m working for the freedom of a dreamhouse in Montana =)

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2 Responses to “Dreams of Montana”

  1. Lauren said

    Montana…is definitely middle-of-nowhere!

    Go there before you decide to move there!! 🙂 As much as the -idea- of being in the middle of nowhere may be exciting, you amy want to seriously get a good look at Montana…’cause I’ve driven through a “town” in Montana and it was on the map and…it seriously was a single stretch of road (less than a mile) with a broken-down cop car at either end.

    It’s GORGEOUS, don’t get me wrong, and I know there are more populated areas, but…it’s like PA…there’s lots of hicks with shot-guns and many conservatives.

    But..go visit Yellowstone – I LOVED it there. So many different animals and gorgeous landscapes.

    As for the money thing, I’ve been struggling to save (and I’ve largely succeeded – but I still spend so much on new clothes and books) and you really just need to look at what you spend money on and try to cut out some of it. What things are you doing that you don’t need to be doing?

    But I’m here to talk whenever – I hope none of this sounded like a lecture lol You know me!

  2. Cauri said

    haha don’t worry it didn’t come off as lecture =) I definitely would visit before I moved there. I found lots of blogs of people who live in montana (thank you, internet), and i’d say it’s about 50/50 with half the people being very left and vegan and hippies…and the other half being the crazy bible-huggers…I think I could at least find people with a common ground…I’d definitely research the area before just plopping myself down somewhere. Chances are I’ll end up in new england (new hampshire or maine)…Isolated enough, but still so close to civilization.

    As with the money, it’s ridiculous, because I’m literally only spending money on parking & gas for school…I bought lunch at school yesterday (a whopping $4) and that threw off everything for the week. I’m broke. Broke as someone could ever be. But it’s ok, I’m already focusing on my plan for the spring so that i only have one class left to take over the summer and then i won’t be broke anymore!

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