My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

All smiles

Posted by Cauri on September 5, 2006

It’s been a pretty incredible weekend.  Friday night was my last night at Starbucks, and I’ve spent the last 3 days at Ryan’s.  On Thursday I picked up a couple new books from Border’s (I’d been reading The Witching Hour, but that’s taking forever and I just needed something lighter on the side.)  I picked up a book about a girl who desperately wanted to flee to NYC but didn’t want to leave her boyfriend behind, and it was just interesting reading about how torn she was…She didn’t want to give anything up, and basically, that’s how I’d been feeling about Ryan & Ireland & Ryan & Ireland, since…Ireland has always been my dream, and Ryan, well he’s a pretty incredible love.  I flew through the book in a day, and it brought out a lot of my feelings, but it mostly made me realize that there’s no way I could flee to another country, or experience anything really, without Ryan by my side.  There are just so many things…Down to the breakfast that I eat, to my mannerisms & the way that I talk, to the shampoo that I use–There isn’t a thing in my life that doesn’t remind me of Ryan, that Ryan hasn’t influenced, that Ryan hasn’t been at least a tiny part of.

On Saturday we went shopping, and I bought a couple cute new shirts & a pretty new belt & a pretty new bag for school.  And on Sunday, we went wandering through the city, and we were both kind of grumbly with each other, and I said something about wanting to stop in a store to look for a new skirt…He didn’t hear me…I yelled that he never hears me…He stopped to go into the store, I kept walking…He yelled “Hey, come back!”  I ignored him…and in those few moments of walking away from him, walking without him…I felt so lost, so incomplete…I turned around to look at those little puppy eyes and I realized how much I love him…I was overwhelmed with love for him…We wandered into a pub…(Ryan’s Pub, or something..)  sat down, ordered food & drinks, and I just sat there with tears in my eyes, begging him to come to Ireland with me, not for a week or two, but for at least six months, to live there, to experience living there with me…and not just Ireland, but everywhere…to have the same experience everywhere, and he just stared at me, and said, “Of course, anywhere, anything…” and I guess it just hit me, that this is it.  That he’s the one.

Last night before bed, I asked him in passing when we’re gonna get married.  He hugged me and said Soon, or something, and then when we were in bed, I freaked out, and said, “You know I’m not ready yet right?  I was just asking, because I’m not ready yet.”  At breakfast this morning, he made me the most perfect omelette, with the perfect about of extra onions and tomato and gooey cheese, and somehow or other we were talking about proposing, and I said I have no need for any fancy ring…that I don’t really see the point, that what? It’s basically just a symbol of what I’m worth anyway, how flashy the ring is…and why should I wear a symbol of possession when my fiance doesn’t have anything strapped to his finger?

A half hour later or so, Ryan said he had a cute idea of how to propose…To buy me a kitten and have the little ring dangling from its little neck…And I melted…I absolutely melted.  I started announcing, “Well you know I like green and purple, but no pink, Please no pink.”  And then I found myself giddy and girl-like and smiling from ear to ear.  I couldn’t stop picturing it, a little black kitten, the sparkley green ring…But no, not even the kitten, Forget the kitten, He can’t do that now that he shared that idea with me…But just the thought of Ryan, by my side, forever…

I’m still all smiles =)


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