My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

I’m ready for more

Posted by Cauri on August 8, 2006

I’ve been in a slump lately. I’m just feeling trapped…I’m so eager to fast forward the next year or two. I’m still molding myself…my life… And as much as I may feel like wandering, or completely losing myself until I’ve got it all figured out… I’m also ready to just stabilize myself. To commit to a job, to a location, to my boyfriend. I started working at Starbucks a year ago, because I was tired of working with kids. I was tired of wearing myself thin. And now I’ve outgrown this. I find myself oogling every baby that comes my way. I’m making conversations with every preschooler that comes into our store. I’m falling asleep with the intense desire to snuggle a baby, close to my chest. I’m starting a volunteer job at the local battered women’s shelter, where, for three hours a week I’ll simply be responsible for “playing with the children”. I catch myself searching the paper for nanny jobs in the city and I wonder what I’m doing. I need to finish school..there’s only a year left. And as I feel the end of the year rapidly approaching, I have no idea where I want to venture next. A part of me is feeling like fleeing to Ireland, since that was always my plan. Before I met Ryan. Now I can’t imagine a life without him by my side. I crave my boyfriend whenever we’re apart… Whenever it’s time to leave his world and return to my boring, repetitive Monday-Friday. I want him to wander with me. I want to fully know and understand freedom. I want to fully know and understand the unity between us. I want to fully know and understand myself, my purpose.

I’ve outgrown this stage of my life. I’m ready for more.

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