My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

everything i ever wanted

Posted by Cauri on May 30, 2006

I doubt myself a lot.  I don't know why, sometimes i just have a hard time letting things go, trusting that things are right, believing that i deserve this.  I give myself a hard time when things are going right, telling myself they won't be going right for long.  I overanalyze everything, and I end up giving myself mini-panic attacks.  Tonight, i found myself wondering, "Is ryan the one?  And how do I know?"

Today was a rough day, because I had a full weekend of living/breathing ryan, and this morning he woke me up by snuggling into me and by placing soft little kisses on my face.  I had to work from 9-6, and for the first time, i was completely in charge, with no one else in the store to rely on, which meant, I didn't really get a break–Every break i took was rushed because i either worried too much about things that still needed to be done, or other people worried too much about being left alone when a crowd came in…And when i finally got out of work, he was out with his friends.  So anyway, i talked to ryan for probably a total of 10 minutes today, which is a little different from the 48 hours we spent together over the weekend.  I couldn't wait for him to call me at bedtime (which is a must everyday), but when he called me we talked for about 30 seconds, and he just said he loved me and had to get back to playing poker.  When we hung up, i just burst out crying.  I was so upset about all the things that happened today that i didn't get to tell him…about people who came into the store, about my family, about the mean letter i sent to my doctor, all those little things…..  When i realized that i was actually crying because i didn't get to tell ryan that the Reduced-fat banana chocolate chip coffeecake actually has 54% of your daily fat intake for the day, i decided that maybe i should pull myself together. 

I just realized that i was upset because i was missing him terribly…That I cannot wait for the time to come when i get to come home to his smiling fuzzy face everyday of my lfie…and then I realized that he really could be my other half.  That he is my absolute best friend, and that it really upsets me when we don't get to share every little tidbit of our days with each other.  I want him to know everything, i want us to always know each other inside and out.  I want to fall asleep in his arms everynight and wake up every single day with soft little kisses on my face.  And then that smart little voice inside of my head who knows everything said, "Duh, isn't that everything you ever said you wanted in a soulmate?"


One Response to “everything i ever wanted”

  1. Ryan said

    I love you….our love makes complete sense. Thank you for being mine.

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