My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

please don’t ever let me go

Posted by Cauri on May 23, 2006

Been having a weird sort of day…I'm just really groggy and out of it…Last night i got really upset with ryan over really stupid things, which basically just means, it's almost that time of the month again.  I wish I wasn't that bad.  I wish I could get things under control, but i really don't want to be on meds either.  Absolutely don't want to be on meds.  But it's been pretty consistent, every month latetly, where i'm happy as a peach and everything is right with the universe, until i'm suddenly running from ryan and shutting out everyone and everything i hold dear. 

He's a saint though.  Last night we were having an incredibly romantic night…We were drinking wine and snuggling, goofing around and just relaxing, enjoying each other's company.  At one point he leaned in to kiss me, and it sent shivers through me…it was so magical.  I was on cloud nine, couldn't believe how real everything was…I was thinking i never thought i could be so in love…..And an hour later, i was crying hysterically and telling ryan i was having doubts about our relationship.  It was the most random and crazy mood swing, and i need for things like that it to end.  He sat down on the bed with me, tears streaming down my face, put his little snuggly face in mine and whispered, "Baby, baby, do you love me?"  I ended up snuggling into him and calming down, but i don't know what comes over me.  It's like I have this insane fear that he's going to suddenly decide i'm not right for him, and it only comes out when i'm pmsing.  It's like i feel incredibly fragile and vulnerable, and as soon as i calm down and think things through, i'm fine.  As soon as i realize who my boyfriend is (the sweetest, kindest, most adorable boy in the world, who's absolutely glued to me) then i'm fine.  I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like this, or if i'm losing my mind. 

I've never been in a relationship like this before, a secure, loving relationship…and i know ryan absolutely adores me, and i know he'd never do anything to hurt me…and i honestly think he'd never leave me…but now with these crazy mood swings i have, i'm also worried i'm going to drive him away.  Whenever i get like this, i threaten to leave, that i just need space, i'm ready to run out the door….and of course ryan never lets me go, but i'm so afraid, that what if one day he does? 

Please don't ever let me go.

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2 Responses to “please don’t ever let me go”

  1. mel said

    I am in a relationship with a guy, and I go through exactly what you just described, and it’s usually when I’m pmsing. One minute I tell him that I love him and I feel these strong feelings toward him, the next minute I wonder if he’ll still like me next week and I start questioning him *and crying about it, or i get insecure about whether he thinks i’m too old for him (i’m two years older than him: he is 21 and I’m 23. But he always reassures me. But I think it has to do with the time of the month, because I seem to think less rationally during that time. DAMN IT :-). I think it has to do with pmsing for sure, cuz the rest of the time I’m fine. But i could totally relate to what you described.

  2. Cauri said

    Yes, thank you, I’m so glad someone could relate. It’s a difficult thing to describe, without sounding crazy, so I’m glad that someone else understands. It’s like my brain just goes into analytical overdrive…and i can’t get it to stop. Last month I was much better though, so i’m hoping that if i become aware of what i’m doing, i’ll get it under control and won’t freak out as much anymore.

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