My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

I guide myself

Posted by Cauri on April 18, 2006

 At the risk of being totally offensive…

If you’re Christian and happy about that choice, (without trying to force your views onto other people) please skip over this.  I’m not writing to offend, I’m writing because I’m tired of being offended.

I'm kinda glad all the easter festivities are over.  And by festivities, i mean, i did get some adorable duckies and lots of chocolate from ryan's mom.  I just got tired of the constant stream of "happy easter's" and being freaked out by men in bunny costumes who refuse to talk.  I got a million more "And how was your easter?"'s from customers yesterday, and when the one woman i work with whom i cannot stand asked me how my easter was, I snapped and said i didn't celebrate it.  She had a horrified look on your face, and was like, "Well, i don't really celebrate it either, but like, well, what do you mean?"  I said, "I mean i don't celebrate easter."  She just stared at me, puzzled, before finally asking, "Why?"  Um, because i don't?  Why is that so difficult for people to accept?

Well today i thought i was in the clear, until chris came back from his lunch break, holding a bunch of flyers in his hands that stated things like, "Understanding the bible" and "Now you can be truly happy".  Apparently he was attacked by a jehovah's witness in the parking lot, and she absolutely refused to believe that he was happy already.  And these types of people never cease to amaze me. 

And I'm just tired.  I’m just so tired.  I’m tired of being offended, I’m tired of having to whisper about the things I believe in, crossing my fingers, hoping that nobody overhears.  I’m tired of being ridiculed, I’m tired of being informed by complete strangers that I’ll be “going to hell”.  I’m tired of hearing people use jesus as an excuse.  I’m tired of people trying to manipulate me.  I believe what I believe in because of what I’ve experienced during my lifetime.  Isn’t that enough?  Just because I have a secure and firm belief system that’s different than yours, why should I even have to defend it?  Shouldn’t you be secure enough in yours not to have to attack people who don’t believe the same as you?  Shouldn’t you be able to shrug it off and just accept that some people believe differently?  Shouldn’t that be something that we can embrace?   I’ll never understand it.  That mindset of most Christians that their way is the only right way. Why?  Because your parents told you that that’s what you have to do?  And you just blindly accepted that?  If it really works for you, Great. But I don’t feel like it’s really working for people.  If it was really working for people, why would they be pushing so hard to force their opinions onto other people?   If it’s really working for you, shouldn’t you be happy just to meet and share views that may not mirror yours exactly?   Shouldn’t you welcome the experience to see how other people can live differently?  

I don’t even try to explain to people what I believe in anymore.  Why bother when people don’t even try to understand?  I’ll break apart elements of my beliefs.  I’ll explain that I have a deep bond with nature…That I’ve found a complete oneness with everything.  Sometimes I’ll replace the word meditation with prayer.   But it really is hard for me to discuss exactly what I believe in, and should I really still be dealing with these sorts of fears?  I find myself whispering “I’m Pagan” only to people that I really trust, and even then I become so nervous, hoping that nobody else overheard. And why?  Because I believe that we’re all the same—Plants, animals, men, and women?  Because nobody deserves to be treated as inferior to anyone else (plants, animals, and women included)?   Because I’m tired of people being guided by a book.  I’m tired of someone waving a book in my face and proclaiming that This is the only way.  Because I believe that I have the right to do whatever I want with my own body?  And that includes my spiritual practices.  Because I’m living my life based on what I experience, I make decisions based on my intuition, based on what I experience in meditation, from past lives, with spirit guides, and what I learn from conversations with other like-minded people.  I don't worship anyone, let alone some guy who was alive a couple thousand years before I was.  I don't think his birth was any more of a miracle than anyone else's.  So Basically, you’re fearful because I’m intelligent enough to go my own way, to make my own decisions.   I guide myself. 


But I do hope everyone who was “going through the motions” this weekend had a wonderful time daydreaming in church. 


6 Responses to “I guide myself”

  1. Lia Trepiccione said

    I know that you mean about not away believing what everyone else does. I think that you’re entitled to what you would like to believe in and I’d say F everyone else who wants to judge you based on it. If you were Jewish you wouldn’t celebrate Easter, but then you’d have to be labeled as something rather then just saying You personally dont celebrate Easter or whatever holiday. It’s your right not to celebrate holidays, but I’m sure some are just curious. I know that it might seem hard to have to explain all the time the way that you feel, but it’s sad that people in our society buy into the materialistic view of events and are narrow minded into thinking that everyone must conform to what the majority says.
    It’s rough but just be true to yourself and what you believe and say f u to the rest of them. šŸ™‚

  2. Cauri said

    Wow thanks Lia for your super supportive comment =)
    I went on such a rant and i was starting to get worried some people would have really nasty things to say to me, but thanks for the encouragement =) I just hit a breaking point, where i’m tired of keeping things bottled up and i’m tired of people treating me like i’m crazy just because i have a different belief system. I really appreciated everything you had to say and i’m glad you could understand where i’m coming from.

  3. Hi. Read your comments and sorry you have had bad experiences with pushy Christians. I would encourage you not to blame Jesus for the actions of some of his more immature followers. I hope you keep seeking and keep asking questions. Not all of us are annoying nitwits. lol..

  4. agental said

    Hello. At first glance reading your comments I had a flash back to my high school days. I was raised in a christian home where I was made to go to church. If I had wrote down my feelings during that time it probabaly would have sounded just like that. The circumstances I went through at the age of 18 would bring me to a place of questioning everything in my life and the only thing I could cling to at that lonely, hurting time was Jesus. Although I had heard it a million times before the reality of ” Jesus loves me so much that he died for me” all of a sudden became real in my life. I don’t believe in “preaching” at people and I hated it when they did it to me but in hindsight, those are the people who cared about me the most. God bless you,

  5. Elizabeth said

    Honey – you use the words “I” and “I’m” and “me” alot –

  6. Cauri said

    Just a thought–
    But i think that’s because it’s my blog.

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