My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

i can be a monster

Posted by Cauri on April 6, 2006

I just went through a couple rocky days with ryan…(like, i was taking out my extreme moody bitchiness on him for the craziest reasons).  And now we're in the clear.  It's not something i do every month, but it does happen every couple months, and…I'm such a monster.  And I fight and i storm out for RIDICULOUS reasons, but when i come back to make sure everything's ok, he still covers me in kisses, he stills squeezes me so tight, he still showers me in love.  And i feel terrible for putting him through this bullshit..even if it is temporary…and i wonder if everyone goes through these phases…Does everyone say horrible things to their boyfriends when they're pmsing?  Is it something i'll ever gain control of, be aware that i'm just being moody, suck it up, and move on?  Or will i always be a monsterous bitch?  It's like I hit a point where i realize that i'm just being a bitch, but i'm too stubborn to admit it, so i just keep being even bitchier to him, until he realizes why i'm acting that way, and i guess it's sort of become something he deals with?  But I hate putting him through this.  It isn't fair and it isn't right and the rest of the month i do shower him in love.  I shower him in love during the rocky parts too, it's just that i always have a lot more meanness to me.  It's like every little thing that he's done in the past year that annoyed me but that i bottled up comes bursting out, just because i want to piss him off.  I'm tired of doing that to him.  He's so mature and he's so calm and loving, and so incredibly passionate and would do anything for me,  … For us.  After i have these insane emotions going through me, i realize how ridiculous and immature i was, and i feel so embarassed and ashamed.  He's my love, i don't want to put him through bullshit that he doesn't deserve.


One Response to “i can be a monster”

  1. I PMS really bad too. The other night it got so bad, that I was running around the streets at night in my pj’s crying. I was like a crazy woman. I hate it. I think I should go to the doctors, because it is like living with an evil twin at that time. My head just goes nuts.

    I really do understand your concern.

    Take care


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