My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)


Posted by Cauri on March 30, 2006

This blog's been landed on by some weird google searches in the past, but today i'm proud to announce that somebody searched "God's way out" and landed here =)

Today was a long, productive, happy day.  I was up at seven and woke up by working out & watching friends, and then i rewarded myself with some sims.  Then i had storytime at ten, and we had a really great group today.  Lots of babies and toddlers, and this one little girl had the whole group (especially the adults) laughing hysterically.  She has 4 older siblings, and her mannerisms and the things she said…she was so entertaining.  Then i worked with amy until 4, and it was nice to finally be with working with someone i enjoy working with, can be productive & get things done with, AND can have fun with.  I left work a little after 4, then headed over to sophie & grace's house, and i took them out for pizza for sophie's 5th bday.  She was adorable, proudly announcing to everyone that it's her birthday.  Then we went to another place for chocolate cake that she HAD to have…She took about 3 bites and then decided she wanted to go home, so that was a lot of money down the drain.  It kind of put things in perspective today…As much as i absolutely love kids and can't wait to have them, um, i also can absolutely wait to have them…until i have the money, time, & energy. Then i headed to school to take a test and now i'm back home again for the first time all day.  I am still somehow energized and happy.  Maybe that's because I only have to work 5 hours tomorrow and then i get to spend a WHOLE weekend with my love! 

I started thinking today, about how marianne's coming home on sunday, and how lauren will be home in a month.  And I realize how much my life has changed in the past year.  I used to be so fiercely independent.  I couldn't possibly understand how people could ever put their boyfriends before their friends….how people could ever make decisions on what to do with their friends, based on what their boyfriends told them.  In this past year, especially in the past six months or so, my boyfriend has kind of been at the center of my life.  And, as I think everything happens for a reason, it was obviously meant to be that way.  I guess I kind of needed my friends to fade out of the picture so that I could open to up and become dependent on my boyfriend.  To see why that isn't such a bad thing…To see how much we would grow from that.  To show me how much he completes me.  And now I'm kind of nervous about my friends coming back home.  Are things going to change between me and my boyfriend?  Is he going to understand when I'm suddenly out doing other things?  Is he going to feel shafted?  Or will i be able to balance everything?  I think I'm nervous about myself…When i'm out with my friends, i still feel the way i did a year ago…that i have to prove that I haven't changed…that i'm not dependent on anybody…that i don't miss my boyfriend just because I'm away from him for a night…

But the truth is I do miss him when I'm away from him for a night…i start missing him the second i leave him.  And when we're apart, everything reminds me of him…I'll hear someone talking about food he likes to eat or places he likes to go or things he likes to do…. And Even right now, i'm dreading going to sleep because i don't have his shoulder to snuggle into…I won't have his kisses on the top of my head…I won't have his arm wrapped around me…I won't be coccooned in his bed, feeling absolutely safe and complete.  It's this feeling of homesickness whenever I'm without him…

The fact is, things have changed.  I'm different now.  I'm part of a complete pair.  I know my friends are happy for me, and I know that they're in relationships too, they understand what this is like.  And i'm also excited to be able to go out and do things with girls again, instead of feeling like i'm intruding on "guy time".  I can't believe Marianne will be home again in just a couple of days.  And lauren will graduating in a month.  It's crazy how fast the time has gone by.  I guess, as ecstatic as i am that my best friends are coming home, that I'll have my old life back, I'm also scared because I've become so accustomed to my life the way it is right now…filling ryan in on every single detail of my life because he's the only one around who'll listen…spending every second of free time with him, becoming closer to him than i'd ever imagined…I don't want to give that up, but I don't want to sacrifice my life with my friends either…being able to just goof around or fill them in on everything either…They've been there for me through everything, for years.  

…I'm just a little anxious about the transition.


2 Responses to “boyfriend/friends/boyfriend”

  1. StEpH said

    Hiya!, i know how you feel when you said you miss your boyfriend whens he’s not around. i miss mine like crazy the minute i leave him. I just want to b with him the whole time but it cant happen as we’re both still at school. I love him so much and just wish i could snuggle up to him. Your friends will be fine about it, you shouldn’t change to much

  2. alanna said

    omg, i kno exactly wut u feel like my bf lives in a different state as me and we hardly c each otha except on the weekends and I miss him the second after we say goodbye, my friends didnt like him at first because he was quiet 2 them and only interested in me, so after a while they became used 2 him hangin around and so i had my boyfriends friends come down 2 my boat with my friends and it wuz just a bunch of us and my friends got along wit them so well and they always wanted 2 kno how things were, so it’ll probably b fine.I wuz nervous 2 then things were great.

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