My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

the heartache of losing a pet

Posted by Cauri on February 25, 2006

The other day i had a super breakdown (and forgot to write about it). Tuesday, i woke up at 4:30am, worked 8 hours at starbucks, fought with my boyfriend about disappearing to Ireland, came home to study for a midterm, and took that midterm until about 9:45 that night.  It was a very long, stressful day.  When I was working at starbucks, 2 people i was working with were talking about their cats, and how hard it is to get them to go to the vet’s, and then they were talking about all the cute things they do, and i had to fight back tears. Tuesday night, after i’d tackled the midterm, and was finally able to just relax for the first time all day, I completely broke down in my car on the way home. It is incredibly incredibly incredibly hard for me to live without pets in my life…most importantly, it is incredibly hard for me to live without symphony.  For the majority of my life, she was permanently glued to my side. She’d spend the day sleeping in my bed waiting for me, and the second i came home, i’d hear her little feet running down the stairs and her constant stream of meows.  You have no idea what it’s like to open the door and hear nothing.  On my drive home the other night, all i kept thinking of was how in october the vet told me she was the healthiest cat she’d ever seen, and a month later i got a call that they had to put her to sleep?  Things have become even more painful more recently when i walk into my room, expecting to at least hear the mouse wheels or the little chatter of my furry friends.  Last weekend i threw out all of my houses & wheels.  I couldn’t stand to look at them anymore.  I don’t even want to buy any new pets because, first of all nothing can replace the pets i’ve lost, and secondly, I can’t handle losing any more.  It’s surprising to me that I’m acting this way, that i’m taking everything so hard, not only because it’s been 3 months and i should be past this by now, but also because i am a very spiritual person, and i know that i will see them all again…Symphy’s already visited me…It’s just the fact that, at this time a year ago, i actually had 12 mice (3 were lauren’s) and a cat that was glued to my side.  Now my house just feels empty.  I don’t want the responsibility of a dog right now…i am not ready for another cat because i feel like nothing will ever compare to symphony…and i don’t want any more small pets because they just don’t live long enough…So for now, whenever i babysit or go to someone’s house where there are animals, i surround myself with them and spend as much time with them as i can.  Maybe I’ll start volunteering at a shelter again.  I guess that would be a good solution to what i’m going through right now.


4 Responses to “the heartache of losing a pet”

  1. I am so sorry that you lost your symphony. My cat DJ lives on my bed too, I love her so much, actually I have five cats. They are all so different, and interesting to watch.

    I know how you feel when you lose a pet that you adored, my hubby was really upset and still gets upset about on of his cats called Lewy, he was one of a kind. Aren’t they all.

    Take care


  2. Mary Bigham said

    I just lost my beautiful “baby” (got from spca to take place of boyfriend in 1990). Well, boyfriend needless to say has been long forgotten,name? anyway, baby died 2 days ago of kidney failure. He was my white fluffy angel sent to me by God. I know this because I wouldnt have been able to deal with the death of my brother from aids and my mother dying soon after . we had all these special little rituals and funny quirky things we would do that nobody else would understand except baby. we would play “king baby” and he would always know it was time to play when i would start my bath. He never liked anybody else – except for my boyfriend, who both fell for each other almost immediately! Baby would meet him downstairs like clockwork at 2:30 am every morning to just have their quality time together. These are the things I miss the most about him-the little details you could never possibly explain to anyone, these types of small connections are sacred little events that you will never forget. they are timeless instances that will always remind you that your precious “symphony” will always be with you,just as she always has. I know this because its the only way that i can cope with the loss of my kitty. He knew every emotion i would feel, especially sadness-he would gently lick my forehead as if to say -everything will be ok-and i love you. Im sure your precious kitty is now your furry little guardian angel! much love and heartfelt condolences-Mary

  3. Cauri said

    Thank you for sharing your story, Mary. I’m sorry you’ve been through such difficult times, but I completely understand how your cat helped you pull through…I had the same kind of relationship with symphony. We just understood each other, and she always knew exactly when i needed her. I just wanted to let you know your comment really touched me, and i really appreciated it.

  4. Marion said

    Hi Courtney and Mary

    Completely understand how you feel. I’ve loved and lost pets all my life and each time I wonder why I put myself through it again.

    The answer is that life without them is unthinkable.

    Regarding you saying it’s been three months and you thought you should have got over it – my experience is that we never get over the death of our pets and other loved ones – we just learn to handle the pain more effectively.

    I share my experiences in my website – hopefully you will find them useful.

    Take care and hang in there.

    Best wishes,


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