My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

i think i’m gonna explode

Posted by Cauri on February 11, 2006

~using all of my will
to keep very still
still even on the inside~

I’ve gotten a little too good at keeping everything buried deep inside. This week was so incredibly stressful, since I was sick, but still working at 4:30 every morning, then babysitting, then going to school till 11, then waking up the next day and repeating the same cycle. Things tend to be a little more difficult when every time you come home, you have to hear more garbage about your parents’ court case…There are always new papers to sign, there are always new dates to remember.  

Whenever I’m at work, people are so happy to be able to confide in me. There are customers who come in every day, just to have someone to talk to, just to feel like someone cares. But even the people that I work with, They’ve been pouring out their life stories, seeking advice. And I love being this person–to know that people trust me this much, but sometimes I wish someone could relate to what i’m going through.

My father is one of my absolute best friends, and it breaks my heart every time he steps into that court room and has to hear “Don’t you care about your kids?”  They always rip him apart at first–Always automatically assume that the father is at fault…before they actually READ the case and realize, oh no, my mother is just psychotic.  I would do anything for my father, and I’m trying so hard to help him out of this mess she’s created, but sometimes I don’t even want to come home because I just need to unwind once in a while!   But more than anything, i wish my mother would just grow up and move on.  And stay out of my life.

~there’s never been an endeavor so strange
as trying to slow the blood in my veins
to keep my face blank
as a stone that just sank
until not a ripple remains~

On thursday, my district manager came in and had a meeting with me. He wants to move me up to shift, then assistant manager pretty quickly (within the next few months). Then give me a store. I explained that my passion is really child advocacy, but i’d consider doing assistant manager while i’m still going to school. He started explaining all the different paths i could take with my degree (overseeing child labor in other countries, establishing schools, etc.) (and starbucks does a LOT for the family farm owners in other countries). This meeting was kind of a huge deal, since i’ve only been working for the company for 2 months.  I was excited, it’s nice to be recognized like that. But of course, as soon as i was done, i was greeted by curious partners who wanted to know why i was talking with our d.m. for so long. When i explained some of what we’d talked about, they were furious.  They’d been begging to move up, and then i came out of nowhere and stole their thunder. 

When I left, I called my boyfriend, and I told him about the meeting. Again i was brought down because “Why waste your degree on starbucks” and blahblahblah. I never said i was signing my life away to starbucks, i was just so excited to at least be recognized like that. I was really upset that nobody could even be happy for me.  I was holding back tears as i went to babysit that night. My boyfriend texted me a lot of i’m sorries and came and met me for pizza, and when i got in his car, it was such a release. I snuggled into him and just started crying. I’d hit my breaking point, and it was finally safe for me to just let everything out.  So after a few minutes of sobbing uncontrollably, he was just like, “Where did that come from?”  I just got tired of keeping everything bottled up.  I can’t do that to myself anymore.

~it’s a skill i’d hoped to abandon
when i got out on the open road
but any more pent up emotion
and i think i’m gonna explode~

Last night i went to get my haircut, and i was just looking at myself in the mirror, and i realized i looked like such a sad girl. My bangs were hanging there past my chin, and i was hidden behind them. I told the guy to cut my bangs just above my eyes. He was hesistant and just like, “Are you sure?”  I told him I didn’t want to be hiding anymore.

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3 Responses to “i think i’m gonna explode”

  1. Leigh said

    I don’t know how your feeling, but I was sick with the same horrible cold a few weeks ago, and I found that if you put Vicks Vapo-rub on your feet and then put socks on right before you go to bed, you feel like a different person when you wake up. I thought it was an old wives tale, but it allowed me to function.
    As for the whole starbucks thing, I definately don’t think that you would be wasting your degree. My boyfriend is in the same position in CVS, where he just worked there for a job and now has his own store in a year’s time. You meet a lot of people that can switch you out of there. It does not necessarily mean that it would be permanent. 🙂

  2. cauri said

    Aww thanks Leigh =) I’ll have to remember that trick next time I’m sick! And Exactly!–That was my point–Why not move up now, while i have the option to, and hey, who knows where i’ll be a year from now…
    Thanks for understanding =)

  3. Marianne Scharf said

    I too was going to comment, but now I feel silly since someone else already did. However, I will anyway. Just cuz I like to listen to myself type. Anyway… i know how you feel…sort of regarding the job. Erik threatened to break up with me if i didnt stop waitressing. Now that ill be back at Redwoods he isnt happy. And i understand that it would be great to start my career, but if I can waitress and take home roughly $1000 in cash per week, I think id be the ass to give that up, right? So I sort of know what you mean about using your degree, and having an un-supportive boyfriend, at times.

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