thank you for staying true to yourself

I’m still having a hard time adjusting to life after Maine.  It truly was a life-altering vacation.  It changed both me and Ryan, how we view our relationship, how we view each other, and how we view life.  When we first started dating, we’d fight a lot over stupid things, but when we fought, we fought.  We’re both stubborn people with tempers.  I’ve always been a little more peace-loving in nature, and i used to beg Ryan to meditate with me, or to try yoga, but he’d always refuse.  I honestly thought the relationship wouldn’t last because spiritually, we just didn’t line up.  Of course, we’ve become so much closer, we’ve established a much deeper relationship…but nothing compares to working your butts off together in the heat & humidity, working as one, spending hours climbing a mountain, to reach a peak and soak up the silence.  It’s moments like those when you realize just how much nothing really matters.  How the stress of your daily life that you carry on your shoulders and feel like you’ll never escape floats away when you’re sitting and breathing and just taking in all that’s around you.

Last Friday I sat in traffic for 3 hours on the way to Ryan’s house (which is 20 miles away).  I was starving, I had a headache, I was tired, I was low on gas.  I had groceries in the car for the romantic meal I wanted to cook for him and they were getting warm.  We were going to miss the movie i so desperately wanted to see.  It was hot, it was raining, and I was tired of moving an inch every ten minutes.  Ryan called me, and I snapped at him.  I yelled and I cursed and I lost it all.  I ripped into him, expecting him to fight back.  And instead he calmly explained to me that it wasn’t fair that I was taking out my anger and frustration on him.  That he was frustrated too.  He told me to remember what we realized in Maine.  That “stress is manufactured in the self”, that “we can’t get upset or stressed out over things that aren’t in our control”.  I felt like a three-year-old throwing a tantrum.  I couldn’t believe my super mature boyfriend and the things he was saying.  I couldn’t believe how much he’s grown, how much we’ve grown as a couple.  In that instant, I was proud of him, for standing up to me, for continuing to live the lifestyle he vowed to live in Maine. 

I’ve been trying to implement it more in my everyday (obviously my boyfriend’s been more successful than me), but when it comes to work, or bills, or mothers who steal your money…Sometimes it’s smart to just take a step back, away from it all.  It’s so much easier to look down on your problems and realize how insignificant everything is when all you’re focused on is being true to yourself and the ones that you love.

Moments I will never forget

From my vacation in Acadia National Park (on Mount Desert Island, in Maine):

-Stopping to enjoy a lunch beside a pond on top of a mountain:

-Being awoken to the sound of Ryan doing the dishes and cooking me breakfast.

-Drinking beer after beer at the Lompoc Cafe, while listening to Tori and Dar Williams.

-Forgetting my fear of heights and just climbing:

-Roaming around drunk through Bar Harbor, making Ryan laugh.

-Sneaking blueberry ice cream onto the bus.

-Laughing at myself, every time i run from a bee:

-Drinking blueberry beer and throwing caution to the wind by eating a 2 & 1/2 pound lobster.

-Viewing the island’s little secrets that can only be seen by boat.

-Taking the time to zone out and meditate:

-Sharing each and every amazing, life-altering moment with the one I’ll love forever.

Those are the moments I will never forget.

back home

That was the vacation of a lifetime.  I just started updating flickr with some pictures…But it’s sort of a daunting task, since we have 600 pictures to go through.  It’s very hard to re-adjust to life back home, especially because i just don’t want to!  But I do need to get myself to bed, since i have work in 6 hours.  Maine really felt like home to me.  Maybe in a few years it will be.

Never coming home…

Just a taste of what we’ve seen:

I’ve never experienced anything like this before.  I’m trying to find ways to make a living on this island.  I do not want to leave in two days.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cauri/

ready for acadia?

I only have about 100,000 thousand more things to do to get ready for Maine before we leave at 4 tomorrow morning =)

Hope everybody has a great week, and I can promise there will be hundreds of pictures to look through when we get back.

Ahh the joys of being one week late

It’s sort of insane…the thoughts that go through your mind, second after second, hour after hour, the checking and re-checking, for eight days straight.  Of course my boyfriend, the ultimate worrier, has been a complete paranoid mess the past week.  He found a way to slip into every sentence in every conversation, “Did it come yet, do you still feel it coming?”  He googled a list of pregnancy symptoms and completed a mental check of what i’d displayed so far.  I caught him at least 5,000 times staring at my stomach, trying to assess how much it’d grown since the last time he checked.  It was quite comforting.

I admit, each day i was still late, it perplexed me.  I’d been pmsing for two solid weeks.  Craving everything from brownies & popcorn to pickles & peanut butter.  I cried at credit card commercials.  I was clingy and needy, crying whenever i was apart from my boyfriend.  Each morning i woke up, i was sort of amazed that it still wasn’t here.  No matter how much i assured my boyfriend that, yes, i know my body, and no, i am definitely not pregnant, i still couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t here yet.

Then i started with the what-if’s.  What if I really am going to have a baby?  What if it’s twins?  What if Ryan loses his job next month?  What if I’m stuck at starbucks, making $20,000 a year for the rest of my life?  What if i puke at work because i can’t stand the smell of coffee?  What if i try to finish school, and i have to take my finals when i’m 9 months pregnant?  Oh God, What if my dad finds out? 

What if i get an abortion?  What about all the pain?  Will Ryan stay in a hotel with me and hold my hand, so i can puke and cry and scream, and he’ll be the only one who knows?

What if i choose adoption?  How do I explain to everyone I’ve nannied for, Every newborn baby i’ve woken up for in the middle of the night, every toddler i’ve ever taught to walk, every sweet little baby that i’ve snuggled into and covered with kisses…that “Yes I raised your kids, but I can’t handle my own”?  How could i look at my own little creation, hand it over to someone who, hopefully, knows just as much as i do and explain that, I’m just not ready…

On Tuesday, my seventh day of still waiting, i had a syrup incident.  I started making somebody’s drink, (a vanilla & cinnamon latte), and I had the sryups in the cup, and i was about to pour espresso into it, when my ultimate enemy at work jumped in and proclaimed, “Caramel goes better with cinnamon.”  I usually tell her to stop trying to steal my thunder, but yesterday, I simply stated, “She asked for vanilla.”  “Well, caramel goes better with cinnamon.  It tastes buttery.”  My eyes welled with tears.  I shouted at her, ”But I like vanilla more!”  I threw the cup, full of my vanilla/cinnamon mixture into the garbage and screamed “Fine!  Make it your way, Do whatever you want!”  I stormed into the back room, crying, and then I pulled myself together and thought, “Hey, wait a minute, is this my period coming??!!”

I drove out to ryan’s, crying histerically the whole drive, over everything from the syrup incident, to my bank account being drained because of my loving mother.  I cried a lot more at Ryan’s house.  We talked a lot…about everything.  We recognized that we had many options, but, at this point, there was still no need to worry.  He kissed me a lot.  He scratched my back.  He grilled me a cheese sandwich and bought some beer.  We played games and laughed and kissed a lot.  He really soothed me.  I was taken aback by the confident, caring, funny, and strong man he is.  I realized that no matter what, I will always have this.  I fell asleep in his arms, finally able to fully relax, and i could feel the difference in my stomach.

This morning i woke up to my wonderful, most cherished friend.  My period.

butterflies, fireworks, and clocks in hot dog form

This weekend was incredible, and as usual, since it’s monday, i’m missing ryan terribly and wishing the weekend never had to end.  Saturday we completed the longest hike yet–7.5 miles at Allamuchy Mountain State Park.  We were out the door by 8, on the trail by 9, and even though it was warm and the uphills were a little exhausting, over-all it was a very enjoyable, rewarding hike.  There were some moments of absolute calm.  There was one rough climb, about 1/4 of the way through, where it was rough getting to the top, but when we finally did, we were overwhelmed with the vibrant green of the ferns in the forest.  And peaking through the trees in the distance, downhill, you could see water.  We rested there for a few minutes, and we were both experiencing an overwhelming calm, to the point where, as Ryan put it, a bear could cross the path in front of us and we wouldn’t think anything of it.  

It started getting exhausting toward the end, since the hike ended at about 7 miles, and we had a 0.5 mile trek back to the car.  Our legs were getting tired at that point since, we knew we were done…we just weren’t yet.  We stopped by some flowers where Ryan noticed a few butterflies–which turned into noticing many, many more butterflies of all sorts of varieties.  I’d never seen so many butterflies, and they fluttered around us, checking us out, and some landed on us.  It was all sort of magical, and neither of us had experienced anything like that before.  A few followed us for a while, but eventually they dwindled off, and we still had a long walk back to the car.  That became somewhat grueling, but when we finally made it back to the car, we decided to reward ourselves with diner food and Starbucks.  Then we headed back to ryan’s comfy bed and took a snuggley nap =)  We woke up and headed out to watch the bayonne fireworks, and it was so beautiful.  We had a perfect spot.  We held each other, and everybody else sort of melted away.  The finale was really spectacular, and it was the perfect end to a perfect day. 

Sunday was a little bit lazier…It began with ryan’s mom making my favorite coffee and bringing me breakfast in bed =)  We did a little shopping, ate a nice barbecue dinner with ryan’s parents, and then headed out to the bar with Wuss (ryan’s best friend).  Wuss just got his own apartment and decided to devote one room to displaying an assortment of clocks and mirrors.  I thought that sounded nifty, so on sunday, i gave Wuss his very first clock—A hot dog clock =)  I hope, many years from now, when he has hundreds of clocks, his hot dog clock is still displayed proudly. 

And now i’m back home, adjusting again to the week ahead of me.  It’s definitely a busy one, between work, and packing and preparing for Maine, for which we are leaving at 4am Saturday morning!!!  =)