an unconditional love

Last night my dad, brother, and I actually all stayed home together.  We all lounged around the living room, watching tv, and sharing hilarious stories for a couple hours.  It was a lot of fun and something I think we all really missed.  I realized that my brother going off at me the night before–It was because i really haven’t made time to just hang around with them in a very long time.  I guess it’s hard, growing up, and figuring out who you are, independent from your family.  When we were younger, my brother and I clung to each other because we went through everything together.  We were always really close, because we were the only constants we had in each other’s lives (Of course we had our parents, but bouncing from mom’s house to dad’s house, your sibling is the only one that is always with you).  And even though we are so different from each other, and if we met each other in any other way, we would never even talk to each other, let alone actually be friends, we stilll have an amazing closeness that I realize most people don’t have with their siblings.  My 20-year-old brother still tells me he loves me every time he heads out the door, every time he hangs up the phone.  That’s something most people don’t even do with their parents anymore.  I guess last night was just one of those moments, where i realized, no matter what decisions I make in life, no matter where I end up, I will always have this.  This amazing, close family who will cling to each other through anything. 

just the usual stress

I had a pretty good weekend.  Friday night i closed at work (and my mom did not try to come and see me).  Then I slept over Ryan’s, and saturday i babysat in short hills from noon till midnight.  It was gonna be an overnight thing, but plan’s changed at the last minute, so i was glad to be able to go back to ryan’s again.  Sunday we did some shopping, because i really really need new summer clothes.  I was just looking for t-shirts and skirts, but after a couple hours of shopping, i only found one soft green t-shirt that i loved!  So any suggestions for original places to shop for pretty clothes (online or off), let me know.  I had a sunday dinner with ryan’s family, and it was really nice.  I really really like his mom and feel completely at home there now.  I’m feeling like she’s the kind of person I will be able to turn to in difficult times.  She’s really easy to talk to, and she really understands things.  It was a really nice dinner. 

Then Sunday night I came home to my own family, and my brother (who spent the whole weekend with my nightmare mother) gave me so much shit about how i’m “turning away people who really care about me” and how much I’ve changed and blahblahblah.  He was being a total asshole, and he was trying to give me a guilt trip over garbage with my mom that he’s just decided to completely ignore.  It really pissed me off.  I called Ryan crying into the phone over how he’s the only person i can really trust, and “how can my own family treat me this way?”   I was half tempted to run away in the rain in the middle of the night back to ryan’s house, but i remembered that my dad loves me, and he supports my choices 100%.  I woke up after five hours of sleep to open the store this morning.  It was nice being surrounded in caring customers…even though i don’t really open up about my personal life, they’re always nice to talk to, they always cheer me up.  The family stuff is just dragging me down.  I’m mostly surrounding myself in thoughts of Maine right now.  Where to go, what to do.  It’s a little escape with my love.

It’s hard enough even trying to be civil to myself

Headache.  So there's been a hold on my checking account for about two weeks now, since my dad "owes" $8,000 to my mom.  (Which is complete bullshit and my mom actually owes us money since she hasn't paid child support in about 6 years, But try explaining that to a court system where the mother is automatically favored.)  So a $60 legal fee was taken from MY account, and now there's a hold for $350 on MY account, which means i bounced a check, which means my MOM's fucking stick up her ass is screwing with my credit.  I'm beyond pissed.  I think the jersey girl in me is coming out.

So, basically, i have no need to continue a relationship with her.  In fact, if i came in contact with her, my hands would probably end up around her neck and there would be a lot more jersey-girl words coming out of my mouth.  I went for a relaxing pedicure with marianne yesterday, and she let me know that my mom (who lives in south carolina) is coming up here tonight.  She'll be staying with my cousin for the weekend (My cousins who now think i'm a horrible person because i don't return my mom's calls, and all they ever hear is my poor mother's side of the story…Always the victim.)   And they all plan on coming into starbucks everyday this weekend until they run into me.  What the fuck kind of plan is that??  If they came into my work, do you know how much that'd affect my whole job??  It's the sickest plan.  No, I won't return your calls, No, I don't want anything to do with you.  So why on earth would you stalking me, coming into my place of work, suddenly change my mind?  I'm really scared.  First of all, when I'm at work, I'm Miss Positivity.  I'm the beaming, spreader of cheer.  My shifts always run smoothly because I make sure everyone is happy.  And now i'm shaking.  I'm scared.  And I don't have to be at work for another 6 hours.  I don't even have my mom's cell phone number anymore, I don't have my cousins' numbers anymore (they used to be in my phone) so it's not like i can even call anyone and just say, "Look.  I'm angry.  Don't bother me.  I'll talk to you when I cool down."  If I have to see her I'll have a conniption.  Oh, what to do.

to just be

I'm having a hard time being away from my boyfriend lately.  I never thought I'd be this dependent on someone.  I guess mondays have always been a difficult adjustment for me…it just isn't getting any easier.  I definitely don't want to rush into anything, i just really miss him when we're apart for the week.  Seeing each other for a two-hour date in the middle of the week just doesn't cut it.  I just miss him so much more after seeing him so briefly. 

I think it just amazes me how well we fit together, how much we complement each other.  Sometimes i'm amazed by just how well he knows me.  Last week he picked out a book for me that I absolutely love.  It's written by a shaman basically about how we've lost touch with nature, and it's just something that i would've definitely picked up for myself if i ran across it.  It's really pertinent to everything i've been feeling and experiencing lately.  I've really been focusing on that connection, between love and nature, really immersing myself in what feels right at the moment…Focusing on just living, Just being, and letting everything else go…

Yesterday was the perfect day at ryan's house.  We went for a drive to whole foods and found ingredients for a delicious healthy dinner.  When we came back home, I did an hour of yoga while ryan made me dinner.  And it just amazed me.  First of all, the mood i'm in after yoga…I'm already completely subdued…I'm completely aware of my body and I'm completely at peace with my environment.  And ryan…he is just an amazing cook.  And it really surprised me, how he just knows the kind of flavors i love, how he can just throw things together for an incredible taste.  He grilled tuna for us…with different spicy flavorings for him…with lime & garlic for me.  And the wild rice was just incredible…with onions & tomato & garlic…it was just really incredible.  The food was so delicious, and it meant so much that he just knew exactly how to make it for me.  We're really just so in tune with each other. 

I think that's what makes it so difficult to be away from him.  To be back to operating in this mundane, routine life, just struggling to get through another year, to finally be able to let go, to enjoy, and just be.

i can’t wait to live and breathe you

Work's alright again.  I've been very positive and friendly and funny with everyone lately, no matter who i'm stuck working with, and so far it seems to be working.  Especially since we have a lot of new people, and why not at least mold them into interesting and funny people…I don't wanna be stuck with grumpy people all summer.  So it's been fun lately…Today i felt kinda sick and the day reeeally dragged (but what monday doesn't, when you wake up at 4:30?)

I love the kids i'm babysitting lately too.  There are really only 2 families now that i regularly babysit for (weekly), and there's a third family that i babysit once or twice a month.  The rest…i stopped calling back.  There's no need to pick up any new families, or work with kids i don't enjoy.  Even though i'm still getting calls from new people at least once or twice a week.  If anybody ever wants to babysit in the state of new jersey, i have a very long list of very needy parents who you can gladly pick up some hours for. 

Ryan and I are getting things together for Maine now, and I've never ever ever been this excited for a vacation before.  We will be spending eight entire days together in an apartment in the middle of the woods on the coast of Maine.  It is bound to be an absolutely amazing experience.  I can't wait to live and breathe each other for eight full days.  Eight full days where i can almost guarantee i won't get cellphone service, and where i shouldn't use the internet.  That means eight full days of nobody calling me to cover their shift at work, no annoying sudden babysitting jobs, no angry mother leaving me messages…Nobody will be able to reach me except ryan.  I just want to be completely immersed in nature and ryan.  We'll cook most of our meals, and we'll be out exploring the island during the day.  We'll watch sunrises and starry skies.  We'll search for puffins, whales, and moose.  I'll wake up everyday in ryan's arms and snuggle him to sleep every night.  I absolutely cannot wait.  It's going to be incredible.

new perspective

I can't believe it's the middle of june already.  I feel like summer's already flying by.  I've just been so busy.  I'm starting to have a hard time at work.  I still love my job, i still love my boss & everything, and I'm having a lot of fun with the things I'm planning (with storytime & game nights).  But we're hiring so many new people, because we're losing so many great people.  A few are becoming assistant managers, so it's great for them, but i'm starting to see what it'll be like without them around.  And I don't like it.  We have too many middle-aged women who stand around and complain about how they expect so much more out of their lives.  It's nice to be in charge now, it's nice to have that higher perspective.  It's easier for me to direct people so that everything's getting done, and it's nice to have the freedom to walk away and move around.  It's very hard to deal with the same type of people everyday…and to have to direct the same time of people everyday…who are just miserable with their lives and don't really wanna be serving coffee.  It's interesting how i've connected with everyone more since i've been in the new role…since i really have to connect with everyone if we're going to get anything accomplished.  I feel like everyone respects me, everyone trusts me, everyone confides in me.  But they're also stressing me out, and i don't like the thought of everyone that i'm actually close with, everyone that i really get along with, and everyone i really look forward to working with, won't be here anymore in 2 months. 

I think I'm going to cut my hours way back in the fall, to maybe only 2 days a week, so that i can actually graduate.  I guess I was just standing around yesterday, really thinking about things, and i just know i'm meant to move onto something better.  I've really been drawn to special needs kids lately.  In the bookstore & library, that's all i've been picking up books about.  Yesterday, when i was standing around in work, just finding mundane tasks that needed to be done, i was chatting with one of our regulars who was sitting at the bar.  We were talking about school and i was just saying i'm so ready to be done, to move on to something better.  He looked at me and just asked, "Have you ever worked with kids?"  I laughed and said "Yeah, that's all i've ever done."  Well, his sister is starting a program at an elementary school in mine hill, primarily focusing on socializing special needs kids.  She's just starting it up now, over the summer, but by next summer and into next fall, if it takes off, she'll be looking to higher lots of wonderful people.  It just gave me something to look forward to, and kind of confirmed that there is something better for me.

I may not be a grumpy middle-aged woman still serving coffee.

Under my bed

Yesterday I cleaned out my room.  And I mean, really  cleaned.  Instead of going through my usual actions of cleaning (just shoving things underneath my dresser and my bed), i actually moved the furniture all around so that i could clean under everything.  I found the most unusual items…things that made me have all sorts of flashbacks.  I found lots of pictures from highschool (& little notes from Lauren).  There were lots of pictures from albright (photos from taboo, sleighriding, walking dogs, and the night we spent outside.)  I found a picture of myself when i was 7, sleeping in bed with my cats symphony and bowtie.  This picture made me burst into tears.  I found myself sobbing over how much i still miss symphy.  And when i moved my dresser back, i had a random flashback of  being eight years old, and having my mother exlpain to me that my great grandmother, who'd just passed away, had left me all of her bedroom furniture.  And even though I'd been excited and thought it was really cool at the time, it sort of just struck me yesterday, how much I must have meant to her.  It was a gesture I'd never really thought about, or fully appreciated, even though I've been using her furniture for fourteen years now.

And then i found a random list that said: 

Sam adams holiday porter, 2 cakes, chairs, Write your love a letter

It was the list of last-minute things to do for ryan's birthday.  

It was kind of amazing, how much these little tidbits, these pieces of memories, really affected me yesterday.  Little fractions of my life have been collecting in my room, and i've never really taken the time to stop and reflect on them.  Sometimes i really just need to zone out and just remember,  to take the time to ruminate, to pause and reflect.

I never realized I just had to look under my bed.                                               

a lotta hiking, a lotta love

I just updated flickr with all the hikes we took in the last month.  I think the only one we don't have pictures of is Watchung, but we didn't really stop to admire anything during that hike anyway…(too many signs of bears). 

But on May 14 was the Palisades,

May 21 was the Skylands manor in Ringwood State Park:

May 29 was the Delaware Water Gap:

and June 4 was Kitatinny Valley State Park & the Sussex Branch trail:

I really love having this to look forward to every weekend =)   I just don't always look forward to waking up at 4:30 every Monday morning, and getting back into the swing of things for the week.  Already can't wait for our trip next weekend!

starbucks has a heart

What a lot of people don't realize about starbucks is that we're required to constantly hold "make your mark" events–basically a lot of volunteer work.  We have to involve ourselves in as much as we can, and for each event, Starbucks gives $10 per hour to the organization for every volunteer who shows up…up to $1,000.  I really like that they do this, and it's one of the reasons i was so excited to work for this company, but it's not something that many people are even aware that we do.  They really put a lot of pressure on us when we first opened, because we'd only done like 2 events in the first couple months of the year.  So far, we've done six (a walk for breast cancer, a run for congenital heart defects in children, cleaning up a local park…)  We're also doing a lot of other volunteer things that don't count as make-your-marks (like having a clothing drive for the battered women's shelter, collecting cell phones for AIDS, giving out thousands of dollars worth of free coffee at events for things like substance abuse awareness, and giving all leftover pastries to the homeless shelter 3 days a week).  A lot of people are so quick to bash starbucks, but what they don't realize is, if every store is as involved as our store is, do you realize how much of a difference we can make?

Yesterday we went to a fair at a school for autistic children in rockaway, where we had to paint their faces.  This was definitely an experience.  For one, i am an absolutely terrible artist.  I can get away with flowers and dinosaurs, but any kid who wanted anything different, (like the one who only wanted batman and ended up with a squiggly black cross on his face) was in trouble.  The kids were really great…They were all so excited to be there, and it was fun interracting with them…The teachers, on the other hand, made me sick to my stomach, and after a couple hours i was ready to leave.  Just the way they treated the kids…it disgusted me, and i don't understand how a school with 75 students, and a staff of 45, could be so clueless. We were talking enthusiastically to every child who came and sat down with us…Of course my first question was always, "Do you like dinosaurs??  How about green?"  And most kids enthusiastically smiled back.   There was one kid who didn't really respond to amy, but she was still talking away (about things like puppies and asking what colors he wanted, just making cheerful conversation) and one of the teachers stuck her face in and said, "They don't really talk."  We were mortified.  They don't really talk??  She just announced that, nonchalantly, in front of an entire group of kids, teachers, and parents!!

A lot of the kids who came and sat down obviously didn't want to be painted on.  I'd touch their cheek and say, "Can i paint a dinosaur right here?" and obviously if they backed away, i immediately moved to their hand, and said, "What if i paint it right here so you can look at it all day!"  A lot of times, that worked fine.  But still, some kids didn't want to be painted on, so i'd give them some stickers and let them just paint around on a paper plate.  That was fine with me, the kids were just so excited to be there.  But a lot of teachers would step in and yell "Just paint his face already!"  And i'd say, "Umm, he's ok, he doesn't really want it."  Meanwhile, he'd be squealing in delight just by painting the little plate in front of them.  Then the teacher would say "Just do it anyway!"  And if i'd touch their face again and they'd respond with a shriek or backing away, there was no way i would paint on them.  So then that was it, the teacher would force them out of the chair and put the next kid there.  That really upset me.  Can't you just let the kid enjoy a few minutes of painting, especially if they're so excited that they're squealing? 

I just felt like nobody actually listened to the kids, at all.  There were two teachers that i saw the entire day who actually seemed nurturing and would calmly explain to the kids where they were going next and what they needed the kids to do.  The rest of the day, everybody was constantly yelling at the kids.  We heard a constant flow of the same phrases all day, screaming at them to sit down and stay still.  It made me jump.  They were just constantly snapping at the kids, and i HATE that.  That was one of the biggest reasons i left daycare, because i couldn't stand the teachers who were so worn out, so incapable of communicating, that they'd spend day after day, yelling at the children, making them feel insignificant.  NO child deserves to be yelled at like that, ever.  And it's appalling that autistic children, children who are already so in-tune with their environment, so highly sensitive to their surroundings, go to school everyday to be yelled at and ridiculed.