Been having a weird sort of day…I'm just really groggy and out of it…Last night i got really upset with ryan over really stupid things, which basically just means, it's almost that time of the month again. I wish I wasn't that bad. I wish I could get things under control, but i really don't want to be on meds either. Absolutely don't want to be on meds. But it's been pretty consistent, every month latetly, where i'm happy as a peach and everything is right with the universe, until i'm suddenly running from ryan and shutting out everyone and everything i hold dear.
He's a saint though. Last night we were having an incredibly romantic night…We were drinking wine and snuggling, goofing around and just relaxing, enjoying each other's company. At one point he leaned in to kiss me, and it sent shivers through me…it was so magical. I was on cloud nine, couldn't believe how real everything was…I was thinking i never thought i could be so in love…..And an hour later, i was crying hysterically and telling ryan i was having doubts about our relationship. It was the most random and crazy mood swing, and i need for things like that it to end. He sat down on the bed with me, tears streaming down my face, put his little snuggly face in mine and whispered, "Baby, baby, do you love me?" I ended up snuggling into him and calming down, but i don't know what comes over me. It's like I have this insane fear that he's going to suddenly decide i'm not right for him, and it only comes out when i'm pmsing. It's like i feel incredibly fragile and vulnerable, and as soon as i calm down and think things through, i'm fine. As soon as i realize who my boyfriend is (the sweetest, kindest, most adorable boy in the world, who's absolutely glued to me) then i'm fine. I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like this, or if i'm losing my mind.
I've never been in a relationship like this before, a secure, loving relationship…and i know ryan absolutely adores me, and i know he'd never do anything to hurt me…and i honestly think he'd never leave me…but now with these crazy mood swings i have, i'm also worried i'm going to drive him away. Whenever i get like this, i threaten to leave, that i just need space, i'm ready to run out the door….and of course ryan never lets me go, but i'm so afraid, that what if one day he does?
Please don't ever let me go.
