everything i ever wanted

I doubt myself a lot.  I don't know why, sometimes i just have a hard time letting things go, trusting that things are right, believing that i deserve this.  I give myself a hard time when things are going right, telling myself they won't be going right for long.  I overanalyze everything, and I end up giving myself mini-panic attacks.  Tonight, i found myself wondering, "Is ryan the one?  And how do I know?"

Today was a rough day, because I had a full weekend of living/breathing ryan, and this morning he woke me up by snuggling into me and by placing soft little kisses on my face.  I had to work from 9-6, and for the first time, i was completely in charge, with no one else in the store to rely on, which meant, I didn't really get a break–Every break i took was rushed because i either worried too much about things that still needed to be done, or other people worried too much about being left alone when a crowd came in…And when i finally got out of work, he was out with his friends.  So anyway, i talked to ryan for probably a total of 10 minutes today, which is a little different from the 48 hours we spent together over the weekend.  I couldn't wait for him to call me at bedtime (which is a must everyday), but when he called me we talked for about 30 seconds, and he just said he loved me and had to get back to playing poker.  When we hung up, i just burst out crying.  I was so upset about all the things that happened today that i didn't get to tell him…about people who came into the store, about my family, about the mean letter i sent to my doctor, all those little things…..  When i realized that i was actually crying because i didn't get to tell ryan that the Reduced-fat banana chocolate chip coffeecake actually has 54% of your daily fat intake for the day, i decided that maybe i should pull myself together. 

I just realized that i was upset because i was missing him terribly…That I cannot wait for the time to come when i get to come home to his smiling fuzzy face everyday of my lfie…and then I realized that he really could be my other half.  That he is my absolute best friend, and that it really upsets me when we don't get to share every little tidbit of our days with each other.  I want him to know everything, i want us to always know each other inside and out.  I want to fall asleep in his arms everynight and wake up every single day with soft little kisses on my face.  And then that smart little voice inside of my head who knows everything said, "Duh, isn't that everything you ever said you wanted in a soulmate?"

passion for the planet

My relationship with ryan has been so incredible lately.  We went hiking out by the delaware water gap today…and our hike got off to a really rocky start (really strenuous, incredibly hot, incredibly cranky), so we ended up getting back in the car and taking a break with some food and air conditioning.  We drove around for a little while and found another area to park in.  From there we wandered alongside a stream and we found a couple waterfalls.  We walked for a while and just kept finding more gorgeous landscapes.  It was exactly what we needed–to be able to relax and wander and take it all in.  And all i keep thinking about is how a year ago, i never thought i could have this with him.  I never realized how much he really cares about the environment, and how important it is for him to connect with nature.  I've noticed how much more conscientious he's been lately with saving energy, and even if he's out at a bar, he gets annoyed if the sink is dripping or something like that, that other people just let slide.  He's also becoming more aware of buying organic products, biodegradable products, and things that aren't tested on animals.  And i absolutely love this about him–how passionate he is, and how enthusiastic he is about making a difference–about really doing something with his life, and really aiming to try to change the way people treat this planet. 

His passion and enthusiasm has only made me more attached to him.  I dread being apart from him…I'm living for these experiences…of being showered in his optimism and excitement for life.  And lately I've been having all kinds of fantasies about what our future house will be like…the kinds of gadgets we'll have and the environment we'll create that'll treat our planet with love and respect.  This is bringing us so close together…as we're learning together how to make a positive impact everywhere we go.

moving on up in the coffee world

Today was my first day running the shift at work, and I had a GREAT day.  Not only was everyone getting along, but they were constantly joking around, and so many customers said they wished they worked with us.  It was an awesome day, and my boss kept complimenting me on how much fun he was having and how much different today was than most other saturdays when tensions are running high.  I was there for nine hours and they literally flew by.  I kept making a list of things that needed to be done and posted it up, and updated it about every other hour or so…That way, everything was getting done, but i wasn't constantly giving people orders…I gave them breathing time…I let them joke around and have fun during the down-time between customers, and when we needed something made, they all hurried to get it done.  I didn't have any issues with respect (which i was anticipating from other baristas).  Everyone seems genuinely happy for me, and I gave that back to them with all sorts of smiley-face love all over the store.  The whole day was awesome, the environment was just perfect, and now i look forward to working on saturdays.  Of course my boyfriend doesn't want me working saturdays, but i just love it so much more than working during the week.  The whole attitude in the store is so different, and saturdays just make me happy =)

memorizing the way you feel

You were absolutely adorable tonight.  I really loved the excitement of seeing you right after work, to have a real date.  When we were standing outside the restaurant, i just had to reach out and touch you–to wrap your hand around mine.  It had only been a few days, but i really missed the way you feel.  I loved the playfulness of today….to sit by the water and just enjoy each other's company…to swing on the swings and giggle about the silly things around us…Your mood and mannerisms made you seem absolutely adorable.  I loved just enjoying the little things…..wandering around in your car, getting lost between the lakes and the mountains.  And when you brought me home, it felt great snuggling into you, having that comfort of feeling your face pressed up against mine, being able to tell you whatever i wanted…knowing that you were all mine.  I love the way you feel in my arms…and i think this really means a lot…to able to  enjoy the simple things….like admiring the smile on your face and the way your arms feel around me….to really live in the moment and soak it all in….

god, this is love…

endlessly entertaining

"not that her mother was that sort of domestic type, I don’t know, I’ll never know, she could be a ball-breaking attorney who wears Jimmy Choos, Ball-Breaker Bunky, but that image lodged itself into my brain and now whenever I talk to Leta about my bunky I can’t help but envision a vagina preparing a pot roast and then sewing the button back on a festive Christmas sweater."  – http://www.dooce.com

Yay, loving my job

Just wanted to say how much i love my job!!  Today was my first day in control of the shift, and it was soo great =)  Everybody was so nice & really excited for me, and on everyone's little deposit bags they left me all sorts of "Good luck Courtney!" notes.  It was a very pleasant surprise during an otherwise jittery first-time experience.  It was very cute having everyone ask me what needed to be done and when they could take their breaks.  When we were slow this afternoon, i directed them in a super fun side project–Cleaning out the ice machine in the backroom.  (Which made me very happy to do…and sort of nervous about drinking ice drinks from ANY other store, since that thing only has to be cleaned twice a year…and i really wonder how many people do it.  It's only been 5 months since we opened and um, it needed to be cleaned.)  And we're starting a second storytime soon, so that's exciting.  Plus, now i'm thinking about doing a monthly bedtime story hour…with milk & cookies…and also maybe a family game night…since i need a reason to play scrabble & taboo with my partners.

please don’t ever let me go

Been having a weird sort of day…I'm just really groggy and out of it…Last night i got really upset with ryan over really stupid things, which basically just means, it's almost that time of the month again.  I wish I wasn't that bad.  I wish I could get things under control, but i really don't want to be on meds either.  Absolutely don't want to be on meds.  But it's been pretty consistent, every month latetly, where i'm happy as a peach and everything is right with the universe, until i'm suddenly running from ryan and shutting out everyone and everything i hold dear. 

He's a saint though.  Last night we were having an incredibly romantic night…We were drinking wine and snuggling, goofing around and just relaxing, enjoying each other's company.  At one point he leaned in to kiss me, and it sent shivers through me…it was so magical.  I was on cloud nine, couldn't believe how real everything was…I was thinking i never thought i could be so in love…..And an hour later, i was crying hysterically and telling ryan i was having doubts about our relationship.  It was the most random and crazy mood swing, and i need for things like that it to end.  He sat down on the bed with me, tears streaming down my face, put his little snuggly face in mine and whispered, "Baby, baby, do you love me?"  I ended up snuggling into him and calming down, but i don't know what comes over me.  It's like I have this insane fear that he's going to suddenly decide i'm not right for him, and it only comes out when i'm pmsing.  It's like i feel incredibly fragile and vulnerable, and as soon as i calm down and think things through, i'm fine.  As soon as i realize who my boyfriend is (the sweetest, kindest, most adorable boy in the world, who's absolutely glued to me) then i'm fine.  I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything like this, or if i'm losing my mind. 

I've never been in a relationship like this before, a secure, loving relationship…and i know ryan absolutely adores me, and i know he'd never do anything to hurt me…and i honestly think he'd never leave me…but now with these crazy mood swings i have, i'm also worried i'm going to drive him away.  Whenever i get like this, i threaten to leave, that i just need space, i'm ready to run out the door….and of course ryan never lets me go, but i'm so afraid, that what if one day he does? 

Please don't ever let me go.

lots of little trips

I woke up for work around 4:30 this morning, after having the strangest dream about this green dinosaur with yellow stripes, who was my best friend.  We lived in a treehouse together, and every morning we'd wake up and we'd slide down a giant slide, with me on his tummy.  It ended sadly though because i showed up at work with my dinosaur friend but nobody believed he was friendly, so they wouldn't let him inside. 

In real life work, my boss finally saw the devil side of this mean backstabbing woman i work with, and today i got to watch her clear out her locker, which really made me very happy on the inside.  She wasn't actually fired, just written up and kind of put on a trial sort of thing…and since she cleaned out her locker, i'm sort of anticipating never seeing her again.  I wish I didn't miss her huge blow-up on saturday, but apparently it involved her giving a bunch of motorcycle guys free drinks in front of my boss, and then throwing money at my boss screaming "This is all you care about!!!"  Uh, yeah, when our store still isn't making budget, you can't just give free drinks away to strangers.  And, um, in general, it's not a good idea to scream at your manager.

My promotion is finally kicking in.  I have 4 practice shifts this week, and then i'll check in with my manager this saturday to see how everything went, and hopefully i'll be a shift in june.  I will also start a second weekly storytime, since Thursday mornings have been so successful. 

I babysat the short hills kids this weekend, and it was a lot of fun playing with them again.  I'll be doing an overnight there the last weekend in June, which just happens to be their birthdays, so i'm trying to think of somewhere fun to bring them.  The last 3 years we've done Chuck E Cheese (when they were little, 4 & 2), then Land of make believe, then last year we did the point pleasant boardwalk (aquarium, rides & beach)…This year they'll be 5 & 7, but now i also have to bring kristen along (who's 1) so that makes things a little more difficult.  We could do the bronx zoo, or the land of make believe again…I think i'm gonna drag ryan along just so i have someone else's eyes…and then he can at least stand by the stroller with kristen everytime i end up running after the boys…We could just go to a fun park or something…I dunno…Any suggestions?  Anyone remember a fun place they loved going to when they were younger?  Distance doesn't really matter since i'm driving someone else's car and i like when everybody falls asleep in the car on the way home so i get a little peace and quiet…

And the 2nd week in july, me and ryan will be heading up to maine, and that'll be our first actual week-long vacation together…I already can't wait to get away…We've already excitedly started planning it, and i think it'll be a great break right in the middle of summer =)

i really am this lucky

wow, where to start?  Well, I'm happy.  Very happy.  I'm being promoted at work, my opinions/suggestions/ideas are valued and being considered…I'm developing great relationships with my fellow partners and customers…I'm head over heels in love with my boyfriend, I have a car that works, Oh, and I finished the semester with A's in my classes =)

Last night i made my family a wonderful vegan dinner =)  Except, i learned not to mention the words 'vegan' or 'soymilk' until after they finished their meals because ryan was happily enjoying his cream of asparagus soup until i mentioned that the 'cream' was a product of soy.  My brother devoured his though, so obviously there was nothing wrong with eating a creamy bowl of soup that is actually good for you.  I aslo sauteed a whole bunch of stuff (zucchini, peppers, tomato, onions, mushrooms, chickpeas and lots and lots of garlic =)  That was very good.  I was hoping to have leftovers to bring into work for lunch and to pass around, but my dad and brother finished the last of it.  It made me very happy to be able to make something healthy that all the guys in my life would actually eat.  (So thank you Lauren for the wonderful encouragement!!  =)

I was having huge issues with lots of negativity at work.  I'd been dreading hanging out at work because there'd been so much tension and negativity and backstabbing.  I'd cringe on certain days if i had to work with certain people.  I finally had a long talk with my boss today about it all, and i was finally able to leave feeling like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I went back tonight to set up for storytime tomorrow (We're having a pretend birthday party for everybody =) and i ended up sitting at the bar for almost 2 hours, just talking with everyone who was working.  It's really nice bonding with them to this extent.  It's kind of amazing how we're coming from such different places, but we're all such similar (environmentally-friendly) people. 

My friend Amy at work bought me an adorable rubber duck that squeaks like no other rubber duck i've ever heard. It was love at first squeak.   I think it's going to be Amy, the new storytime ducky.   My favorite little boy that i babysit (N) came in today to visit me and i let him play with the duck, and it was so cute hearing the squeaks from across the room.  He had a little banana frappuccino sample and a cookie.  Amy, the girl, thought N was the cutest sweetest thing ever, and every comment he made to her had her gushing.  As he was leaving, after his, "Thank you, Amy, thank you Courtney," he took off jogging through the store calling "See you guys later!!"  He had the hugest grin on his face the whole time he was in there, it was adorable. 

Then i went over N's house this afternoon as an emergency babysitter (the other girl suddenly couldn't make it), and i had SO much fun with him.  I'm getting so attached to that little guy.  He's incredibly smart and the sweetest and most well-behaved kid.  If you tell him not to do something, he actually stops.  And he always amazes me with the things he says.  He thinks i'm the funniest person on the planet…he laughs at everything i say and copies everything i do, and so many times this afternoon he climbed into my lap and hugged me with a great sighing "ohh Courtney".   I've been able to relax and enjoy babysitting more lately, and that's definitely keeping me sane.

And my boyfriend…God i'm so lucky.  Our hikes lately have been incredibly spiritual and have brought us so close together.  Last weekend was a little more nightmarish, with a lot of very high-up rockclimbing since the path was torn up halfway down the mountain, buuut, it was great exercise and great bonding.  And we won't be going back there =)   Ooh but we did see Chris Rock eating pizza with his 2 little girls!  As if pizza needed a reason to be more exciting… But sunday was just like a dream…We had a beautiful but strenuous hike, and then a great huge dinner and lots of sangria, and i was so happy…When it came time to go home i actually burst into tears, because i just wanted to stay cuddled in his arms for the rest of the night.  He's so wonderful to me.  I never thought I would find a perfect guy or be in a perfectly unconditionally loving realtionship like this.  Sometimes i have to stop and remind myself that this is real, that i really am this lucky.

So, things in all areas of my life are pretty perfect right now…It's a nice start to the summer =)

how my boyfriend changed my life

I love that google updates me daily on what people search & end up here…And yesterday somebody searched "How my boyfriend changed my life" and ended up at my blog, and i just want to say that that basically sums up my weekend.  This past year has been the most exciting, adventurous, loving, relaxing, passionate and happiest year of my life.  Ryan gives me something new and exciting to look forward to every time we're together.  We just had the most exciting and romantic weekend we've had, and i can't believe that every week it just gets better…We're always closer than we were the week before.  This weekend included an amazing sushi dinner, a lot of wandering around the city and stopping in fun places, a lot of starbucks, an adventurous hike, an excellent homemade meal, and a lot of loving scratching.  My boyfriend makes my life so much more enjoyable…He makes me so much more carefree.  He's made me realized that time is precious and should be filled with activities that I'll be excited about doing…and if I'm not going to enjoy doing something, if I'm not gaining anything positive from the experience, then what's the point? 

My boyfriend has completely changed my life.