No more sleeps =)

what a day i have ahead of me.  I'm doing laundry and racing around now to get everything packed for the weekend.  I keep telling myself it's only a weekend, and i'll be back at ryan's either sunday or monday anyway, so if i really forget something, chances are, i can use his or do laundry.  I'm just so anxious.  I'm so excited that bright & early tomorrow morning we'll be driving outta here, but i just feel like it's never gonna get here.  I have this class in parsippany today at the corporate office for sbux, and i'm just nervous about it and i don't know why.  It's a really long class, and i'm kind of stressing about the class i have it after it tonight in montclair, so maybe that's why.  Ryan's picking me up in parsippany and bringing me to montclair, and then picking me up after class tonight, so at least that's all straightened out….me not having a car & everything.  I need to get away.  This past week has just been insane, and it's like there'll never be an end to the things I'm stressing out about…Every time i get over one hurdle, there's another thing i have to tackle before i'm in the clear.  It's been an entire week of non-stop stresses, and I cannot wait to get out of here.  On Sunday night, Ryan started telling me, "Ok, after tonight, it's only 3 more Sleeps until you're back here sleeping with me." I've been reminding myself that every day, but the days aren't going by fast enough.  Last night, after my presentation was done, and I finally had a moment to relax, Ryan texted me, "Only ONE MORE SLEEP!"  I broke out in the biggest smile…Sometimes i can't believe how adorably sweet he is.  I cannot wait to be in his arms tonight and then heading away in his car tomorrow morning.  I love that feeling–when you're in the car driving to a place you've never been before, with your love at your side.  I'm even just looking forward to the drive with him…i know it'll be fun, all the things we'll see & experience along the way.  I'm sure there'll be lots of stories.    

is it friday yet

Definitely losing my mind.

Things that are driving me crazy today:

-I still don't have a working car.

-My paper & presentation on feminism in the 14th century, due tonight.

-My sbux class all day tomorrow.

-My last class of the semester tomorrow night.

-the fact that I'm broke.

…and leaving for vacation Friday morning.

…and need to pack

…and get everything to ryan's house, even though, again, i don't have a car.  Or, time.

-My parents' court date is tomorrow.  And even though they don't have to appear in court, my dad was telling me some of the things my mom has decided to include in her case.  Things like, pages of rants attacking my father.  Oh, and plenty of passages from the BIBLE.  Seeing as how my dad has merely stated the facts, like, We have been living with him for about 10 years, and seeing as how my mother is insane, I hope this all gets cleared up and we can all get on with our lives. 

Buuuut my anniversary is this weekend and that's the only thing keeping me sane.  As of right now, i can't even imagine that it will ever be friday.

I think I’m growing up

Something weird is happening to me.  I think I'm growing up.  Maybe this is the product of me actually being in a happy, secure, loving relationship for the first time in my life, but lately I've been having intense, grown-up-like cravings…Cravings for crazy kinds of things, like babies, houses, babies, puppies, more babies and spending the rest of my life beside the man i'm madly in love with.  I keep having all sorts of daydreams and fantasies of what it would be like.  I think it's something most girls experience the majority of their lives…but it's something i've just started doing recently.  I've always loved babies…Always…but lately, there's been an intense desire, like i cannot wait to actually have a baby of my own.  It's kind of maddening since mentally, and financially, my brain knows well enough that that's something that won't be happening for probably another eight years.  Yes, in eight years, a baby would be delightful.  But right now…not at all a possibility.  I wish my brain could understand that.  I can't help myself.  I look at them, i cuddle them, and i wish i had one of my own.  Sometimes I notice how angellic ryan looks when he's sleeping, and i think, I hope our babies look like him.  And he's so playful and adorable, i have fantasies of all the places we'll be able to bring our kids, how much fun we'll have.  And I feel like a madwoman actually writing about this, but it's like it came out of nowhere and i want to know if anyone else has experienced this!!  Is it just because I'm 22 now?  I'm practically, technically, pretty much an adult…and my body's saying, hey lady, it's time to settle down now…  Is it because i've met the love of my lfie?  Because of the way we take care of each other…because of the passion we have for each other…because of the energy we put into our relationship and our life together?   Because even on the most terrible of mornings, when i'm on the verge of falling apart, feeling like all i want to do is crawl back into bed and cry, Ryan can walk into the room, and i instantly know that everything will be ok…and when he holds me, All i can think is,

This is Love. 

and  

I'm so lucky. 

nothing but love

I had a wonderful birthday weekend =)   Friday I spent most of my bday at the library researching feminism in the 15th century.  Then I borrowed my brother's truck (since my car's still broken) and drove up to boonton with amy to help clean up some lady's yard.  I could only help for a little over an hour because i was meeting ryan for my special dinner, but then the truck wouldn't start.  So that was a major irritation but it was resolved quickly enough.  Ryan came over around 5:15, and he brought me an adorable love-filled card and a beautiful cyclamen plant that i named Molly.  We went out for sushi and it was an amazing amazing amazing dinner.  I'm craving it again now. 

We headed to redwoods for dessert, but there wasn't a single parking space free.  We stayed in the area for a little while…bought a bottle of wine, but redwoods was still a madhouse, so we headed back to bayonne.  The wine was wonderful and i ended up very happy very quickly, and um, i don't even remember what kind of wine we drank.  Buuut ryan treated me like a princess and I can't imagine a better way to spend a birthday. 

Saturday i had to work from 12-5, so ryan drove me out there, and he was soo adorable.  He went to target to buy supplies for our vacation…all sorts of snacks & water & travel size everything.  Then he went to the bookstore, and he came back to my store and was just reading in the cozy chairs for about 2 hours.  He looked sooo cute over there.  And it was just so adorable how excited he was for our vacation.  Ooh and he brought me soup for lunch =)   Then for dinner we ended up just staying at some place in bayonne which was way too expensive for the food we didn't even like.  It made me miss my sushi dinner from the night before.  Then…i don't remember what we did…Oh, just went home and watched seinfeld till we fell asleep.

And today we did a little more shopping for vacation…Ryan bought me a backpack and a compass and i got to pick out some more snacks….And then the rain cleared up and it ended up being a beautiful day, so we walked around liberty state park for a little while.  It was so beautiful and ryan's really lucky to have grown up so close to there…I feel so lucky to have grown up in new jersey…We're so close to everything.  I got a little homesick at dinnertime because we just ate at ryan's house but i never know what to eat and i got frustrated and i just wanted to be home where i could just make whatever i felt like.  I ended up eating a cheese sandwich and then ryan's mom made me some broccoli and mashed potatoes, which were really good…but sometimes i just wish ryan had his own place so i could just make whatever i'm in the mood for, without being in someone else's way or using up someone else's groceries.  We cuddled and scratched a little, but he brought me home around 8, and now I'm sitting here with Molly and i'm missing him like crazy.  This week's going to be insanely stressful for me, and i cannot wait until friday, when we'll be sitting on our balcony in chincoteague, watching the sunset, drinking wine, and having an entire weekend of nothing but love =)

I will never forget

I will never forget the way I feel right now…The way you felt in my arms tonight.

I will never forget these moments.

Focus on the positive

It's been sort of a rough week, and…This one woman at work has been really getting on my nerves lately…To the point where i was really dreading working with her.  There was one day where she was saying bad things about one of my best friends who works there, and it really had an effect on me.  I wasn't totally aware of it, but i just didn't even want to be near her anymore.  Today, she finally called me on it.  She wanted to know what was wrong with me.  I tried to pretend nothing was bothering me, but then she finally brought up the amount of negativity in our store lately.  I told her that that's what's really bothering me…the constant backstabbing and jealousy…that it's really been rattling me.  She said it's really been bothering her lately too, that sometimes she feels sick to her stomach before work, that she doesn't even want to come through the door.  And i felt partially guilty.  That just because i heard her backstabbing one of my friends, that maybe i should've just let it go in one ear and out the other.  How am I improving the situation by being cold to her?  She even said, we need to start focusing on the positive.  And she was right.  And after that conversation, I can't tell you how much better I feel.  How I'll be able to walk into work with this positive attitude.  And it really does make a difference.  Even if people around you are negative, you shouldn't let it affect you.  Obviously it's easier said than done, but it's something I'm going to try to be more aware of. 

I called my boyfriend on the way home from work (and earlier in the day i'd been kind of snappy at him), and he said he heard such a difference in my voice.  That earlier i was even picking at negative things, i was in such a bad mood.  He said I needed to just concentrate on how much he loves me.  All the time.  Even when i am in a bad mood.  And that seems to be exactly the lesson i needed to learn today.

happy days

Last evening turned into a little bit of a rough night.  My car broke down on the way to the library for storytime books, but i did manage to get it started again and drive back home.  Then I ripped the bowtie off of one of my new duckies.  It was very sad.  But my dad came home soon after and i borrowed his car for school.  Now i'm kinda stuck in the house all day, which is ok, because i have so much studying to get done…Between my huge training book for starbucks and finals being 3 weeks away, it's insane how much work i have. 

Luckily, this friday is my birthday and i'm starting to get that excited feeling.  It's not even that i want anything special this year or anything, it's just that I love that feeling that it's your special day.  Nobody's ever mean to you, nothing can ever go wrong on your birthday.  Friday night i'm going out to dinner with my dad & brother & ryan…for…Sushi =)   Then saturday i want to go into the city and just do random fun things….even though i'm working from 12-5, which is the most annoying time to be scheduled to work.  And then sunday i have to pick a special pretty place to go hiking.  And then next week might be kind of rough with classes coming to a close.  Thursday I have a training class with starbucks at the corporate office from 10-5, so i'm kind of nervous about that since i don't really know what to expect.  Then I have class in montclair from 8-10, but then I will be heading out to ryan's, and very early Friday morning we will be heading down to Chincoteague!  And that is what I'm getting very excited about.  I cannot wait for our romantic weekend.  Out anniversary couldn't fall at a more perfect time. 

I guide myself

 At the risk of being totally offensive…

If you’re Christian and happy about that choice, (without trying to force your views onto other people) please skip over this.  I’m not writing to offend, I’m writing because I’m tired of being offended.

I'm kinda glad all the easter festivities are over.  And by festivities, i mean, i did get some adorable duckies and lots of chocolate from ryan's mom.  I just got tired of the constant stream of "happy easter's" and being freaked out by men in bunny costumes who refuse to talk.  I got a million more "And how was your easter?"'s from customers yesterday, and when the one woman i work with whom i cannot stand asked me how my easter was, I snapped and said i didn't celebrate it.  She had a horrified look on your face, and was like, "Well, i don't really celebrate it either, but like, well, what do you mean?"  I said, "I mean i don't celebrate easter."  She just stared at me, puzzled, before finally asking, "Why?"  Um, because i don't?  Why is that so difficult for people to accept?

Well today i thought i was in the clear, until chris came back from his lunch break, holding a bunch of flyers in his hands that stated things like, "Understanding the bible" and "Now you can be truly happy".  Apparently he was attacked by a jehovah's witness in the parking lot, and she absolutely refused to believe that he was happy already.  And these types of people never cease to amaze me. 

And I'm just tired.  I’m just so tired.  I’m tired of being offended, I’m tired of having to whisper about the things I believe in, crossing my fingers, hoping that nobody overhears.  I’m tired of being ridiculed, I’m tired of being informed by complete strangers that I’ll be “going to hell”.  I’m tired of hearing people use jesus as an excuse.  I’m tired of people trying to manipulate me.  I believe what I believe in because of what I’ve experienced during my lifetime.  Isn’t that enough?  Just because I have a secure and firm belief system that’s different than yours, why should I even have to defend it?  Shouldn’t you be secure enough in yours not to have to attack people who don’t believe the same as you?  Shouldn’t you be able to shrug it off and just accept that some people believe differently?  Shouldn’t that be something that we can embrace?   I’ll never understand it.  That mindset of most Christians that their way is the only right way. Why?  Because your parents told you that that’s what you have to do?  And you just blindly accepted that?  If it really works for you, Great. But I don’t feel like it’s really working for people.  If it was really working for people, why would they be pushing so hard to force their opinions onto other people?   If it’s really working for you, shouldn’t you be happy just to meet and share views that may not mirror yours exactly?   Shouldn’t you welcome the experience to see how other people can live differently?  

I don’t even try to explain to people what I believe in anymore.  Why bother when people don’t even try to understand?  I’ll break apart elements of my beliefs.  I’ll explain that I have a deep bond with nature…That I’ve found a complete oneness with everything.  Sometimes I’ll replace the word meditation with prayer.   But it really is hard for me to discuss exactly what I believe in, and should I really still be dealing with these sorts of fears?  I find myself whispering “I’m Pagan” only to people that I really trust, and even then I become so nervous, hoping that nobody else overheard. And why?  Because I believe that we’re all the same—Plants, animals, men, and women?  Because nobody deserves to be treated as inferior to anyone else (plants, animals, and women included)?   Because I’m tired of people being guided by a book.  I’m tired of someone waving a book in my face and proclaiming that This is the only way.  Because I believe that I have the right to do whatever I want with my own body?  And that includes my spiritual practices.  Because I’m living my life based on what I experience, I make decisions based on my intuition, based on what I experience in meditation, from past lives, with spirit guides, and what I learn from conversations with other like-minded people.  I don't worship anyone, let alone some guy who was alive a couple thousand years before I was.  I don't think his birth was any more of a miracle than anyone else's.  So Basically, you’re fearful because I’m intelligent enough to go my own way, to make my own decisions.   I guide myself. 

 

But I do hope everyone who was “going through the motions” this weekend had a wonderful time daydreaming in church. 

incredible weekend

I just got home from one of the best weekends of my life.  Friday night i got all prettied up and Ryan came and picked me up and we had a real date.  That was kinda exciting because we never really do that anymore, and i spend a lot of time in sweats or duck pj's.  We went out for sushi, and it was the best sushi dinner I've ever had.  Then we went to see ice age =)  And then he came over and we cuddled for a while, but he left around 10:30 because i had to open at work on saturday.  So then sat i worked till 12:30, and ryan came for the last half hour.  Then we went shopping for new hiking shoes, and we grabbed some lunch, and then we went back to the same hill that i went to the other day with amy & christy.  It was a rough walk up to the top, but it was a beautiful day so once we got to the top it was so worth it.  After that we went back to ryan's to shower & change, and then we headed to his friend's barbecue.  The majority of the people were people we didn't know (and would probably never talk to), but all of his best friends were there, so they started playing poker, and that made me more comfortable.  I spent the next 5 hours sitting at the poker table drinking beer and relaxing.  Of course that got really boring after about an hour…but…i was a trooper.  I kept smelling the hot dogs and that was making me get really hungry after a while, but i did finally get some pizza around midnight. 

Sunday we woke up around 11:30….waaaay later than planned.  We kind of hurriedly got ready to go hiking, and we got to jockey hollow at 2.  We did a little bit of every trail…We basically hiked the majority of the park…There was one area we kind of ended up skipping over near the end because we were getting deeper into the woods and we hadn't seen a person in a very long time and we kept coming across bear tracks.  If I'd seen one i probably could've brushed it off as nothing, but we saw a bunch and they were all going the same way as us, right along the path, so i just started getting nervous.  We were trying to make a lot of noise but when we came across the tracks again i made ryan turn around, so we went back to the road that runs through the middle of the park and we picked up another trail that ran closer to that road.  By the end my legs were killing me…and every time a bee came near me, i'd start running..and that seemed to only happen uphill.  But, overall it was great…We had another absolutely gorgeous day, and this is a really fun hobby we're sharing together. 

Then we went home, showered, and put on clean jammies and then had Thai delivered.  We lounged around, watched tv, and passed out a little before midnight.  Ryan brought me back home today on his way to work.  This was such an incredible bonding weekend…I'm sad that it's over.

i don’t need your miracle child on my blanket

Ugh, it’s gray outside and i don’t feel like moving. I didn’t have work this morning, so it’s really nice to be lazy =) I think I’m supposed to be babysitting for the NOW meeting at 1, but since it is a holiday for some people, I’m not sure if that’ll still be on. I really hope it is, because i desperately need the money, and i miss the kids. I haven’t seen soph & grace since sophie’s bday.

Yesterday at work I got kind of flustered. I didn’t have any of my regular kids at storytime this week, it was a whole crowd of new faces. But this woman that i trained with back in the denville store (who still works at the denville store) came in with her precious little baby who she “tried so hard to have” and we’ve all heard one too many way-too-personal stories about her breastfeeding and her ovulation…But anyway, she brought the 10-month-old into storytime yesterday and dropped him at my blanket, and then wandered around the store to just hang out and catch up with other partners. They don’t pay me enough at storytime to babysit, so I don’t. So he was eating paper and he was crawling around and He wasn’t my responsibility. I was reading with the 3-yr-olds and being goofy and making everyone laugh and doing what I do every week. The snooty mom kept getting frustrated with me and at the end of storytime, none of the other kids really wanted to go yet, they all loved the stories. We read a story about a purple feather and at the end it soars through the air and lands at your feet, so I handed out giant purple feathers to all the kids (except the babies). I had moms asking me for authors and story recommendations and kids telling me what they want to hear next week. As they were leaving, Snooty mom came back over and in front of everyone said, “We should teach Courtney some songs and rhymes so she can keep the kids’ attention!” I was mortified. I was like, “No, it’s ok, I’ve really been picking out funny stories for children about 3 years old.” Two moms with 3-yr-old kids defended me saying how perfect the stories were and how their children were glued there, they really loved it. Then one mom of toddlers even said that most storytimes are for at least 3 & up. Then I explained that I have had babies as young as 4 months there, that it’s great for them developmentally, but they should be sitting in their moms laps, having their moms explain to them what we’re seeing too. She gave me such attitude, but even the friends that she brought in proudly announced that they’ll be back next week. So over-all it was a good storytime, but i can’t stand moms who don’t really know how to be moms. Well, i can’t really stand anyone who gives me attitude in general.