boyfriend/friends/boyfriend

This blog's been landed on by some weird google searches in the past, but today i'm proud to announce that somebody searched "God's way out" and landed here =)

Today was a long, productive, happy day.  I was up at seven and woke up by working out & watching friends, and then i rewarded myself with some sims.  Then i had storytime at ten, and we had a really great group today.  Lots of babies and toddlers, and this one little girl had the whole group (especially the adults) laughing hysterically.  She has 4 older siblings, and her mannerisms and the things she said…she was so entertaining.  Then i worked with amy until 4, and it was nice to finally be with working with someone i enjoy working with, can be productive & get things done with, AND can have fun with.  I left work a little after 4, then headed over to sophie & grace's house, and i took them out for pizza for sophie's 5th bday.  She was adorable, proudly announcing to everyone that it's her birthday.  Then we went to another place for chocolate cake that she HAD to have…She took about 3 bites and then decided she wanted to go home, so that was a lot of money down the drain.  It kind of put things in perspective today…As much as i absolutely love kids and can't wait to have them, um, i also can absolutely wait to have them…until i have the money, time, & energy. Then i headed to school to take a test and now i'm back home again for the first time all day.  I am still somehow energized and happy.  Maybe that's because I only have to work 5 hours tomorrow and then i get to spend a WHOLE weekend with my love! 

I started thinking today, about how marianne's coming home on sunday, and how lauren will be home in a month.  And I realize how much my life has changed in the past year.  I used to be so fiercely independent.  I couldn't possibly understand how people could ever put their boyfriends before their friends….how people could ever make decisions on what to do with their friends, based on what their boyfriends told them.  In this past year, especially in the past six months or so, my boyfriend has kind of been at the center of my life.  And, as I think everything happens for a reason, it was obviously meant to be that way.  I guess I kind of needed my friends to fade out of the picture so that I could open to up and become dependent on my boyfriend.  To see why that isn't such a bad thing…To see how much we would grow from that.  To show me how much he completes me.  And now I'm kind of nervous about my friends coming back home.  Are things going to change between me and my boyfriend?  Is he going to understand when I'm suddenly out doing other things?  Is he going to feel shafted?  Or will i be able to balance everything?  I think I'm nervous about myself…When i'm out with my friends, i still feel the way i did a year ago…that i have to prove that I haven't changed…that i'm not dependent on anybody…that i don't miss my boyfriend just because I'm away from him for a night…

But the truth is I do miss him when I'm away from him for a night…i start missing him the second i leave him.  And when we're apart, everything reminds me of him…I'll hear someone talking about food he likes to eat or places he likes to go or things he likes to do…. And Even right now, i'm dreading going to sleep because i don't have his shoulder to snuggle into…I won't have his kisses on the top of my head…I won't have his arm wrapped around me…I won't be coccooned in his bed, feeling absolutely safe and complete.  It's this feeling of homesickness whenever I'm without him…

The fact is, things have changed.  I'm different now.  I'm part of a complete pair.  I know my friends are happy for me, and I know that they're in relationships too, they understand what this is like.  And i'm also excited to be able to go out and do things with girls again, instead of feeling like i'm intruding on "guy time".  I can't believe Marianne will be home again in just a couple of days.  And lauren will graduating in a month.  It's crazy how fast the time has gone by.  I guess, as ecstatic as i am that my best friends are coming home, that I'll have my old life back, I'm also scared because I've become so accustomed to my life the way it is right now…filling ryan in on every single detail of my life because he's the only one around who'll listen…spending every second of free time with him, becoming closer to him than i'd ever imagined…I don't want to give that up, but I don't want to sacrifice my life with my friends either…being able to just goof around or fill them in on everything either…They've been there for me through everything, for years.  

…I'm just a little anxious about the transition.

“Just Being”

Tonight was one of those nights that I will always remember.  After working at the mall all day, I was starving, and in desperate need for a little relaxation.  Ryan and I were throwing around ideas of going for a walk & then eating out somewhere healthy..but we couldn't really think of anything.  So on my way home from work, I called ryan and told him i decided i'm gonna make something, and i swung by the grocery store.  I was under strict time constraints (I'd have to be leaving my house to meet him in an hour), and i was starving, so concentration wasn't really working.  I grabbed a bunch of random ingredients that jumped out at me (and of course a little bit of sushi) and headed home.  I ended up throwing together a random (but tasty) salad (leafy greens, snap peas, and blueberries, with raspberry vinaigrette), and we had olive hummus on onion pitas (which was sooo delicious), and grilled garlicy salmon (except i didn't make ryan's garlicy enough and i forgot that some people like things like salt and pepper, and not just onions and garlic on everything).  We met each other at the little park behind his work, and we had a picnic.  He seemed happy, which kind of surprised me since it was the first time i ever made him anything.  I still don't know if he was just trying to be nice, but either way, it was kind of nice playing the domestic role for once…and I want to learn how to cook…i want to be able to eat healthier, and i'd love to be able to make healthy and tasty meals for us all the time. 

After dinner, we went for a walk…and then we ended up driving to another park around the corner.  We walked through some woods and came very close to deer, and that always excites me…when they're close enough to want to investigate you…  The little baby deer was absolutely adorable.  He seemed so excited to see us..he was constantly peeking back over at us.  It was really cute.  Then we ended up lying down on this little dock thing next to a pond, and it was one of the most tranquil moments of my life.  We were lying there, staring up at the clear blue sky (there literally were no clouds in sight)…and although we occasionally mentioned different things we saw, we didn't really even have to say anything.  It was just a moment of absolute calm…where, for those moments, we were, as my old yoga instructor would say, "just being".  I was tempted to meditate, and if i was alone, i would have, but then it struck me, that in those moments of absolute calm, that was probably the closest to a meditative state that ryan's ever been in.  And it made me so happy to be part of it. 

We'd been talking about going somewhere exciting for our one-year anniversary next month…We've tossed around every possibility, from the caribbeans, to california, maine, canada…..Just about everything.  But, i think it might be a better idea just to escape to somewhere where nobody will be able to find us.  Where we can just lie next to a lake and "just be".  Where he can do some fishing, i can do some writing/meditating, and we can just enjoy each other's company, just relax and not worry about anything.  Tonight brought us so close together…I can't imagine what a weekend of just being together would do for us.

what i’m living for

My boyfriend has been absolutely incredible to me lately…Well, he's been absolutely incredible to me always, but lately, he's just been the sweetest, mostly because i've really needed it.  I've just been stressed out lately, to the extreme.  I was feeling like I'd taken on way too much…like i'm in this endless cycle, like i won't break free.  Thursday night i just started feeling very overwhelmed…After being really mean & nasty to him, i broke down to him on the phone…crying histerically…And i will never forget what he said to me.  That I just need to figure things out, to find where i belong, to realize what i'm living for.  "I know what i'm living for," he said.  "I'm doing it.  Making you happy."  

We really only had sunday together, as a full day to spend with each other and just enjoy each other's company.  He told me he wants to go to ireland, as part of my bday gift.  He got some books in the mail, so we were looking through them together yesterday, deciding what kind of vacation we want to book, what we absolutely want to see, where we want to stay…It was all very exciting =)   Then we decided to go out for dinner, and it took a little while to decide where we wanted to go, but we chose Viatnamese.  We went out to some place in jersey city, but it was packed, so then we headed into hoboken for Thai.  We'd just ordered our food and started drinking our beer, when i noticed movement on the wall behind my boyfriend.  A nice little bug headed toward my love.  Ugh, i'm getting itchy again now just thinking about it.  But, it was definitely a roach, and Ryan definitely jumped out of his seat and we stormed out of the restaurant and lost our appetites, and it was a very horrifying experience.  After roaming around for a while, being totally disgusted, and very freezing, we just went to Johnny rockets, where, at least the food was being cooked out in the open.  It actually ended up being a very happy and love-filled experience.  Then we went home, drank our wine that we didn't get to drink the night before, and watched our shows (family guy & sopranos).  Then we stayed up kind of late, telling stories (talking really loudly, laughing really loudly), and it was a lot of fun—it kind of felt like a slumber party with your best friend.  This morning we woke up and on his drive out to work, we stopped in florham park.  He ran into the bagel store, and i ran into sbux, and we met back in his car for breakfast.  When we went our separate ways, i just started thinking, about how much i love all of these little routines we've created.  How we always have so much fun together.  How we spend so much time together doing such mundane things, but i still look at him like he's the most amazing person i will ever meet.  Those are the moments i'm living for.

babysitting woes

Been so busy…What a weekend…Friday, I did a lot of babysitting and then went out to ryan’s for snuggly sleep. It’d been a rough week, and i was missing him like crazy, and i really just needed that comfort–of being able to snuggle into him and feel absolutely safe and loved. Saturday i had sbux, and i’m starting to get really annoyed with one other partner, because she’s very hot-headed and her negativity is really starting to affect me. She’s so rude to customers, she makes drinks incorrectly, and when you try to jump in and help, or explain to her how many shots or pumps of syrup are supposed to go in a drink, she bites your head off. It just gets annoying, and i’m tired of being complained at by unhappy customers who deserve to just have their drink made right the first time.

Sat night i went out to s.h. to babysit those kids, and i hadn’t seen them since before xmas. The boys were exactly the same though..We played a lot of kickball and soccer. And the little girl was just adorable. She’s 15 months now, and that is my absolute favorite age. You just constantly hear her rambling, and so many times she’d chase after me yelling something in her little language and she seems so sure of what she’s saying. The only actual real words i heard come out of her mouth though were “Michael” and “Whoa”. It’s obvious who she spends a lot of time with. She was just so precious and adorable though. She copied every little thing that I did, and at night we were all sitting on the couch, and she climbed up just to snuggle into my lap. I didn’t want to have to put her to bed, but at bedtime, i rocked her with her bottle, and i just couldn’t believe how big she is now. I was thinking how fast this past year flew by, especially now that I hadn’t seen them for a couple months. I remembered last April, when val had a family emergency, and i rushed out there to take care of the kids.  The baby was 4 months old, and i noticed she was making a weird purring sound when she breathed. I threw her in the car and then chased the boys around the house for 15 minutes before they finally got in the car. I’d just started dating ryan, and i remember calling him from the car, when i was freaking out, frustrated with the boys (who were screaming in the backseat), and worried to death about the baby. Everything was ok though.. The dr just sent us home with a nebulizer, and she just sat there so patiently, giggling and smiling the whole time i gave her her medicine. She’s always been such a happy and loving little girl. It’s moments like that that make me really miss nannying…being a huge part of their lives, helping them through everything as they grow up. And when you’re only there as a fill-in, when you’re missing out on the developments, and you’re just witnessing the jumps from one stage to the next, it’s really scary to notice how fast time is flying by. So i really was thinking about nannying again for the summer…maybe even talking to the parents about working for them this summer. But they said they’d be home a little after eleven, and i had ryan order sushi for me, and he went out and bought wine and was waiting for me…And…The parents came home a little after 12:30. And that is exactly why i left the nanny world. Parents have no sense of obligation when somebody who loves their kids is home with their kids. As i was leaving, they were trying to give me one of their friends’ numbers, with promises of at least $15 an hour for 2 little girls, but it just isn’t worth it right now. There comes a point where it doesn’t matter how much money they throw at you, because you need to have your own life to keep your sanity. I love being at starbucks, so when a set time rolls around, I am out the door. I do babysit parents who are like that, who honor the time that they say they’ll be home, and for those parents, i am more than happy to babysit more often. But for everyone else, I think it’s time i stop doing people favors and start focusing on living my own life for a change.

oh, what a day

i went to the psychologist today, because i really needed advice on how to deal with my mom.  Do i cut off all contact with her because she’ll never change?  Do I talk to her and explain all the things I’m mad about from the past?  Do I ignore the past because it’s the past and just talk about what’s bothering me now?  Do I ignore it all and just maintain a relationship with her because she’s my mom?  I just needed some advice, some direction, and i got nothing.  It was sort of frustrating and a huge waste of my time.  And then when i got back to my car, there was a HUGE dent in the side from the asshole parked next to me.  So I did what anyone would do.  I found a piece of paper, wrote FUCK YOU, and left the nice little letter on their windshield. 

Then I went to babysit Sophie & Grace, and they are such adorable, sweet & funny little girls.  I tried to remember half the ridiculously funny things they said, but when bedtime came, i laid down inbetween them, and we all held hands, and i dozed off for a little while with them.  When their parents came home, I ended up staying for an extra hour & a half, just drinking coffee and talking with them.  We covered just about everything, from their daughters, to veganism, war, traveling, movies, and old stories about the crazy people in their band.  They’re just such awesome people.  I loved listening to their stories about when they were in their early twenties, because it reminded me so much of me & ryan.  And it’s really nice when you find other couples to talk to who understand that i’m really part of an “us” now, that I can talk about all the places ”we’ve” been and the things we’ve done. It makes me feel wonderful when people ask me all about him…that everybody realizes that he’s what makes me tick, that he’s at the center of my life.  I brought him over there for dinner about two months ago, and i guess hearing them talk about him now, it’s like their little way of letting me know that they approve, in a sense.  They’re just such wonderful people, and i really could talk to them about literally anything.  I’m very lucky to have these kind of relationships in my life. 

storytime & spirituality

Yesterday was a great day at work.  Storytime worked out kinda weird…It was all boys.  So the princess books got kind of bumped to the side, and i read kind of quickly because i was getting questions like “How many books are left?”  and “Is every book about dragons?”  and the random “I love you!”  But over-all they were fun to joke around with and a lot less annoying than the regular girls who come in there and have to scan through every picture before letting me turn the page.  I don’t have the patience for girls…I really hope I never have daughters.  Of course my boss called at the beginning and the girl who’s out to jeopardize my career excitedly told him that i was letting kids jump on the chairs.  Ugh, this girl’s really been getting on my nerves, but apparently she had a horrible day yesterday and everybody’s been complaining to my boss about her, so maybe she’ll just get flustered and quit and then the rest of us can go back to just worrying about storytime and nothing else.

Anyway, i had a great day bonding with everybody else.  Amy was planning all these summer trips to festivals (i should be tagging along with her to two) And chris was talking about girls and sharing his writing, and then rachel came in, and i actually got into a really deep spiritual discussion with her.  I take these kinds of conversations very seriously…and they always happen at a time when nobody else is around (we were the only 2 in the building, we didn’t have a single customer for about 40 mins). And she’s christian, but that didn’t even really matter (as it shouldn’t)…We were more focused on the interconnectedness of everyone, meditation/visions, paying attention to your body/intuition, how we’re both empathic & the problems that causes….I guess a general overview of everything…I just always get excited when i can have these kinds of talks with a christian, and there are no barriers put up just because of whom i choose to or not to worship. 

I went out to ryan’s last night, but weeknights go by too fast because we just played games for a little while and then fell asleep.  We had to wake up early so he could get to work, but i felt like i hadn’t slept at all and i was being super grumpy.  When i was sitting in my car, i was still rubbing my eyes, trying to wake up.  It’s a great sign of what today will be like.  At least I’m only babysitting for the Now meeting for a couple hours, and then ryan’s coming over tonight.

storytime jitters

Storytime is soon, and i’m nervous because i never know what i’ll have to be dealing with.  Last week went really really well…but that was mostly because of the snow and only the happy, enjoyable storytime kids showing up.  I’m scared of the cd-throwing kids and basically any parent that looks at storytime as a mcdonald’s playplace and drops their toddler there and wanders away.  This week’s theme is dragons, and i had a hard time finding good stories, but i did manage to get four pretty good dragon books and three fillers.  I really love going to the library to find these books now.  It’s kind of my way of unwinding every week.  And pretending i’m still 4 years old. Going to the library, plopping myself on the floor, and searching through all the colorful books until something grabs my attention.  I usually spend a good hour to two hours there, and that’s when i really limit myself.  But i’ve been on a kind of story overload this week.  I set up our story email, and we have to take a million pictures today for the featured storytime community board.  I guess I’m just hoping only the cute, happy, fun kids come today.  And maybe the people i work with can say mean things to the parents who have no clue what parenting is.

Things are so right

I just came home from one of the best weekends of my life.  Friday night i went out to ryan’s, and we got 2 new wines to try and a pizza =)  And we set up his laptop so we could lay around his room and play games against each other online.  Around midnight we went out to the living room to watch supersize me and we were cuddling & nuzzling on the couch, and we had our faces pressed up against each other, and it was one of those moments that i was completely wrapped up in.  I was overwhelmed with love & contentment and i begged him not to let me go yet, because i knew it was a moment we would never be able to duplicate.

Saturday we woke up and headed down to the camden aquarium.  It was super windy and insanely cold and we spent 30 mins outside freezing before they even let us in the doors.  The place was so over-run by uncontrollable children…i was getting so pissed off at parents.  If you’re gonna bring your kids to places like that, maybe you should at least have your eye on them.  I guess I just don’t get it…I know, as a nanny, when i bring kids places, i expect them to behave well..and the second they start acting up, we go home.  End of story.  (Case in point: http://clumzcauri.livejournal.com/2005/07/29/)  I just think the aquarium was a little too crazy.  There was one cool shark tank area that was a lot quieter (and i had to be super brave, and had to cling to ryan and try to completely ignore the fact that there were sharks swimming over my head) And then, Ryan bought me an adoooorable fuzzy hippo =)  and then we left. 

We went into Philly and had an amaaaazing dinner, and then we just walked around for a while…We did the really touristy things that you can’t do anywhere else…like, Go to starbucks and borders…But i just love walking around new places with him at my side…being somewhere different where nobody knows you…and you’re just a happy couple in love =)   And then we came home to play a lot lot lot more games and then scratched to sleep.

Today we were just so in love.  He makes me so incredibly happy.  I love being lazy and staying in jammies all day and just being goofy with him.  I was really sad when it came time to leave him tonight.  We tried to nuzzle like we had on friday night, but i knew we’d never be able to duplicate it–I just had to settle for love in hug-form.  It was really hard to leave.  I had tears in my eyes as i was driving home…it’s just so hard to tear myself away from his world to come back to this life for the week.  Obviously, he’s still in my thoughts every second of the day, and we txt/call and are in contact with each other all day long…We get to do lunches, we get to have dinner at night, but it’s just not the same.  Nothing compares to being totally & completely wrapped up in each other…Falling asleep in his arms, being woken up by his kisses, Going everywhere with him by my side.  I can’t get enough of him.

I was talking to marianne tonight (who lives with her bf) and i was saying that Ryan & I are talking about moving in together, maybe as soon as this summer.   I don’t really want to just rush into anything, but i feel like we’re so ready.  I look at him, and i’m overwhelmed with love for him.  He makes me so incredibly happy…we both work at this relationship, we’re both pushing to better ourselves, to better each other, to strengthen our bond and our relationship…Every weekend that i leave him, i feel even closer to him than i did the week before.  She was saying that she met someone who was 22 and married, and she was just making fun of him and calling him crazy…and…It hit me, that, a year ago (even a couple months ago), that was me.  But things with ryan lately have just been so intense…so unlike anything i could’ve even imagined experiencing this young in my life….  There have actually been moments where i’ve thought, “oh my god if he asked me to right now, i’d be his forever…”   I kind of just responded to marianne like “Yeah, well, i can kind of understand it now.”  When things are right, you just know.