My Only Way Out

(is to go so far in)

USVI

Posted by Cauri on July 3, 2007

Trunk Bay, St. John:

http://picasaweb.google.com/Cauryan/USVI062007

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

what would be nice

Posted by Cauri on May 16, 2007

oh, what a month.  While I was constantly writing papers and/or studying for exams and/or trying to remember which class was at which time on which day, Bruno was crying/screaming/irritable and generally unable to move.  My baby had lyme disease.  Which meant he cried and screamed when he had to lay down, he cried and screamed when he had to get up, he cried and screamed when he had to pee, he cried and screamed when he had to eat, he cried all night, he cried all day.  It took a whopping FOUR trips to my genius vet…(That’s four trips of me carrying a 70-pound dog to and from my car and to and from the office) before he diagnosed lyme disease.  He’s on antibiotics now, so he’s been a dream, but man, that was a rough month.

Now that he’s feeling better though, his personality has just come bursting through, and we all love him to death.  He’s such a lover.  He’s still very much a puppy, but he is such a snuggly cuddle monster.  And, once he hit seven months, he got his ears! 

So I’ve just spent my time spoiling him to death, and now it will be impossible for me to ever leave home. 

But in other news, my six finals are OVER, and I’m almost through my first week of my summer class.  So now I’ve started the job search.  I have an interview lined up next week for an adolescent youth shelter, which would be perfect!  I’m hoping I just land the job so that I can take a break from stress.  With everything I’m coming out of, I would love it if my life could just consist of going to work and coming home. 

Yeah, that would be nice.

Posted in Daily Life, doberman, School | 3 Comments »

23 =)

Posted by Cauri on April 23, 2007

I could not ask for a better weekend for a birthday. It was gorgeous! Friday night we played around with Bruno and tried to eat somewhere new and exciting for dinner. Ryan ended up spending $50 on a typical chinese dinner. We could’ve spent about $12 for the same food in bayonne (but better quality) and it would’ve been delivered in 15 mins. We headed back to Ryan’s Friday night, and his mom gave me an adorable card and money for St. Thomas =)

Saturday we wandered over to Liberty State Park. It was so beautiful out, and there was a big Earth Day festival. So we walked down to see the Lady, and then we wandered back to the festival. I got a free cupcake and some green cotton candy from my best friend. Couldn’t ask for a better way to spend a bday =) When we came home, Ryan cooked me an AMAZING meal. He totally just played around with it too. We started with a spinach salad. He also made garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and grilled salmon in white wine. It was the best meal I’ve ever eaten. I couldn’t believe he just “created” it, without glancing at a recipe or anything. I can’t wait to get a place with him and invite people over for dinner and games. Everyone will be amazed by his cooking.

Then we watched the Departed and cuddled and scratched till we went to sleep. On Sunday we went out to dinner with my dad and brother, and then we all got ice cream. Ryan, Brett, and Bruno all watched baseball, while I tried to get them to play games and stuff. Finally I got to end the night cuddling the love of my life and watching some HGTV =)

Ryan left for work this morning, and Bruno soon snuck in to take his place in my bed. Except Bruno hurt his leg/shoulder (once again…It’s an ongoing thing with this puppy) so he cried until I woke up and just held him. It’s another beautiful day, and I had all sorts of plans for where we could go for a walk, but Bruno hasn’t gotten off the couch, so I figure I should just let him rest. I have class soon, and next week starts my finals, sooo…maybe I should just rest too =)

Posted in Daily Life, Love, relationships | 1 Comment »

Worried

Posted by Cauri on April 17, 2007

The VA tech incident has really shaken me up.  I don’t usually let stuff like this get to me.  I live in NJ.  We’re trained not to respond to these sorts of things.  Stuff happens.  You suck it up and move on.  It’s just so devastating.  I’ve come close to puking a number of times.

I was driving out to school last night, worried about assignments and upcoming class discussions, as I listened to the whole VA story on the radio.  It just ripped me apart.   I guess it really hit home.  These good, innocent, young people, just had everything taken from them.  Most of them probably battled with the idea of even getting out of bed and heading to class early yesterday morning.  Those who did were probably nervous about a presentation or were worried about a fight they just had with their boyfriend.  Others probably wandered to class elated and eager to graduate in less than a month.  God, I can’t even imagine the turn of events.  Going from focusing on what your teacher’s saying, to suddenly fighting for your life.

I heard somebody on the radio speaking about how they had to call the family members of the victims, and I was just bawling.  I just kept thinking, what the hell would my father do if he got that call?  What about Ryan?  If they had to look at my body… Lifeless me in Ryan’s sweatshirt and the sneakers my dad just bought me last week, my valentine’s heart necklace dangling around my neck.  I almost couldn’t bring myself to go to school.

I just can’t get over it.  These young, cheerful people, full of dreams, focused on getting out of school and getting their lives started.  How dare one insensitive prick take that away from them.  Why does this happen?  Why does one miserable person seek to destroy so many others?  I guess as a future psychologist, I should look into these sorts of things.

Posted in Daily Life, relationships, School | Leave a Comment »

just a weekend

Posted by Cauri on April 16, 2007

This weather is insane. It took me an hour & half to get home from Ryan’s this morning, due to all the flooding and people not knowing how to drive when it rains. I finally get home, and now it’s snowing. Supposedly we’re in a state of emergency, but school isn’t canceled, so I’ve got some homework to do.

The weekend was amazing. Bruno came with me out to Ryan’s on Friday night, and he really loved the city life. He just adores Ryan, and it’s so sweet to see how Bruno looks to him for comfort. On Saturday we dropped Bruno back off at my house and headed all the way out to Blairstown to hike. We did about 5 miles, and it was pretty flat and easy walking, but we figured that’d be a good start to “spring” hiking. Then we drove to Hot Dog Johnny’s, where I used to go all the time when I was a kid. Ryan scarfed down three hot dogs, and I snacked away on my fries. The hot dogs smelled really good to me though, and for some reason we agreed that I can eat hot dogs when I’m pregnant. I’m aware that that’s entirely hypocritical. But for whatever reason, I just think it may be impossible to ignore the urge to eat certain animals when there’s a person in my stomach.  (On second thought, that sentence really creeped me out.)

On Sunday we booked a vacation for early June to St. Thomas. Six nights/seven days, nonstop flights, a beautiful hotel, beautiful beaches, hiking trails, and hopefully some peace and quiet. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a week after finishing college.

Posted in Daily Life, Love, travel | Leave a Comment »

Had to get away

Posted by Cauri on April 9, 2007

Ryan and I have both been so overwhelmed with life lately that we decided to get away for the weekend. Actually, Ryan surprised me on Wednesday by booking a room in Boston for Saturday night. We didn’t even realize it was Easter weekend, so it was perfect, because nobody was around. It only took a little over 3 hours to get up there, and in general the city was pretty empty. There was the occasional Jesus-pusher or homeless man, but most of the time we could walk everywhere without anybody pissing us off.

Boston was one of the first trips we took as a couple two years ago. It was exciting, because it was the first city we’ve gone back to, so we went to all the same restaurants and same romantic spots we found last time. The hotel was in a much better location this time though, and it was so beautiful. The city itself was very cold and windy, so our only complaints were windburn, sore throats, and runny noses. And the fact that all 40 of my pictures of the trip were taken in a ten-minute timeframe because that was the only time my hands braved the cold.

Over-all it was exactly what we needed. Instead of ranting about coworkers and professors, our conversations were about buildings and food and where to go next. I love exploring cities with Ryan, and I can’t wait to find out where we’ll be going/what we’ll be doing in June, although St. Thomas is at the top of our list. =)

Posted in Love, travel | Leave a Comment »

Extraordinary vacation?

Posted by Cauri on April 3, 2007

I got a letter in the mail a couple days ago letting me know that three of my classes have been waived, and my final day of school will be May 31st.  I wish I could be happy, but I’m so overloaded with work right now that I don’t think I’ll be excited until May gets here!  Every week I just have more papers/tests/presentations that it’s hard to focus on anything past what is due tonight.  But I have started to get thoughts together, because once June gets here I am going to need a job.  Or at least a something to do.  I’ll go back to school in a year or two, but I definitely want to find a job for the summer/fall/whenever I can land something.  Ryan and I have also decided to take a vacation the first week of June.  A huge, something extraordinary vacation.  But I have no idea where to go.  We’ve tossed around Ireland, Hawaii, Prague, Caribbean cruise…I think I’m definitely going to be more in the mood to just sit on a beach with no one else around than I’ll be to go discovering cities and places I’ve never seen before.  So probably an island vacation would be nice.  I have about five years of stress that needs to melt away.

Suggestions, anyone?

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My view of Dobes

Posted by Cauri on April 2, 2007

As Bruno and I have been spending all of our time together, he has completely changed my view of Doberman pinschers. He is my baby. He is a very large baby (63 pounds), but he is such a baby. He loves to cuddle, lick, snuggle, play, and cuddle some more. A few months ago, if I had seen another Dobe being walked a few feet away from me on a trail in the park, I would probably pause and/or freak out, and I try to remind myself of this, but every time I take Bruno for a walk and somebody freaks out, I get so angry!  He doesn’t even pay attention to other people when we’re on a walk.  He is not a fierce biting machine.  He is a puppy!

So many people have made nasty comments to me, like, “Well, maybe your dog’s nice, but it’s the breed”, as they slowly walk in the other direction. Or my favorite, by some yuppie at the dog park, “Ugh, not this dog again.” (Because he’s too big to play with her miniature piece of vomit.) This dog seems to be the friendliest dog I’ve ever counted, to other dogs and to other humans. He doesn’t greet people incessantly. He minds his own business. But if someone seems interested, he’s more than happy to play with them for a while or let them scratch his neck.

My brother took him to the vet last week, and Bruno was laying on the floor licking a little girl’s face, when two older women walked in. They saw Bruno and froze in the doorway. “Be careful,” warned my brother, sarcastically, “He bites.” They panicked. “Really?” My brother shook his head and was like, “He’s licking some little girl who he’s never met before!”

People have been so conditioned to fear Dobes, just because they happen to represent attack dogs in practically every movie.  And I’m sure if you conditioned them to live in your backyard and only have contact with a human or two, they will turn into fierce, human-eating monsters.  I’m also sure that if you tried to sneak into my house and Bruno had never met you before, he would probably become very territorial and would want you to leave.  But as long as he’s meeting you on neutral territory, as in on a trail in a park, he would probably pay no attention to you and would simply walk on.

Posted in Daily Life, doberman | Leave a Comment »

Next summer

Posted by Cauri on March 27, 2007

So Ryan and I have been talking a lot lately. The past few months have just been incredible. We’ve been the ultimate team, laughing, loving, and really living. We’ve been making time to just get out and enjoy the world…Doing random things to make each other happy. We’ve also spent a lot of time watching HGTV and planning our dream house.

On Sunday we were driving around Ryan’s work looking for houses for sale. We’ve started a plan. Well, a plan that relies mainly on me landing a decent full-time job in the fall or it will otherwise fall apart, but a plan nonetheless. And then that plan includes finding a cheap apartment in the fall (Cheap meaning under $1000, which, may be impossible unless we move to Newark) and then scrounging until next summer, when we could possibly buy a home.

When we got home, we were just holding each other, all excited about our plan, and it’s really hard to put that moment into words. It was sort of like, our identities just disappeared. Nothing mattered in that moment except for our connection. Nothing negative or even individual could be discerned. We were just one being. It was pure love. I’d never experienced anything like that before, and in the moments following, we were talking about a spontaneous wedding. A quick, book-your-flight-to-Vegas-and-Elvis-impersonator-on-Expedia wedding. I’ve been struggling with all sorts of issues related to my mother and how to avoid any familial negativity on my Special Day when people begin to realize that my mother won’t be attending. And this Elvis plan, this would’ve been an easy way out. But this time, I don’t exactly want the easy way out. I want the real deal.

So yesterday, I was googling “castles in ireland” and “weddings in ireland” and I was getting all fairytale. Except most of those castles require that you fly 200 people out there and schlep 200 people from the nearest airport to the magical castle and then you house 200 people and feed 200 people and it started to get a little complicated. I might not want the easy way out, but I do NOT want complicated. So I was fiddling with Google Earth, and I wandered to where I always wander, at least once a week, back to Acadia, on Mount Desert Island, in Maine. I googled “Acadia weddings” and was surprised at what I found. For $50, I can have my special day in the park–at whatever magical spot I happen to fall in love with–I’d have my pick of the park. Immediately, I was going back through pictures, recounting endless memories, and it just made complete sense. That is where my relationship absolutely solidified with Ryan. That is where we really knew how much we loved each other. That was when we knew we’d last forever.

It’s perfect. I immediately came up with a list of the most important people to us, and we do not need 200 people there. It’s more like 20. I do not need extended family there, just my best friends, my dad, and my brother, oh and Bruno, who would absolutely have to be there. And I’ve been looking through the vacation houses, and it will be so easy to accommodate people. We could get three huge houses for the week and have everybody split up between them (Costing each person about $200). Or individual couples can rent their own cabins for the week (Which can be done for $600, like we did last year) and we would all get a week-vacation together. It will be a blast.

So now this is practically all I can think about. About finding a photographer who really knows the mountains. About contacting the Lompoc Cafe, where every third song is another Tori song. About finding the perfect dress. About telling my friends. Sometimes I stop myself, because, oh wait, I forgot to wait until I got engaged! But that part doesn’t even matter. That’s a given. I don’t even need to go through that process, but Ryan does want to be able to call each other fiance. So we will get there. This summer, we will probably go back to Acadia to find the “perfect spot” and start getting all the little details together. And next summer, it should all come together.

Posted in Love, relationships, Yay! | 2 Comments »

Cell phone story

Posted by Cauri on March 13, 2007

Since I’ve been spending most of my days alone with Bruno and heading off to school at night, I like to tire him out early in the day so I can get my studying done in the afternoon.  I’ve been taking him to the dog park a lot, because it’s great for him.  It’s great exercise, and it’s great for him to learn to play with other dogs.  We definitely don’t want a dog-aggressive Dobe.

About two weeks ago, we had a lot of rainfall, which caused a lot of snow melting.  I just didn’t want to bring Bruno to the dogpark because I didn’t want a muddy mess in my car.  So I brought him across town to some of the newly paved trails.  They were still pretty icy and snowy, but in my head I figured, at least it isn’t muddy.  Before I left my car, I faced the decision of what to bring with me–I decided just keys and cell phone.  Soon after we started walking, Ryan called me.  I hung up with him just as Bruno and I hit an icy bridge.  Of course Bruno started tugging me, and of course my feet slipped on the ice, and of course my cellphone flew out of my hand and slid perfectly between the holes in the banister and into the stream below.

The water was flowing so rapidly, I knew there was no shot at getting my phone back.  I yelled at Bruno, I cried, and we stormed back to my car, where I yelled at him some more.  Bruno sighed, and slammed his body down, his head tucked under, and wouldn’t look at me.  I felt awful and drove him over to the dog park.  It wasn’t muddy, nobody was there, and we spent an hour chasing each other around.

Verizon refused to give me a new phone without proof of damage or without a police report, so after debating for two weeks (I actually loved living without a cell phone, because I’ve been so sick of having six new messages every time I turned it on), last night my dad and I headed down to the bridge where I dropped it.  And there was my phone, sitting in the stream, right where I left it.  My agile dad made his way over and under sticks and pricker bushes down to the side of the stream.  He found a perfectly curved stick and started trying to reach my cell phone.  Six different people stopped on the bridge to laugh at us and tell us we wouldn’t be able to do it.  My dad proved them wrong.  He’s my hero.

Posted in Daily Life, family | Leave a Comment »

 
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